Love of a Soldier

Love of a Soldier

I see the sun cry in dread,
And a wall of grief up ahead.
All I can see now is bloodshed,
Everyone dropping dead,
All loving words left unsaid.

Families torn apart.
There is a giant weight sitting in my heart.
Was it meant to happen this way from the start?

Now as I sit here and cry
I turn my head towards the sky.
I stare up and ask 'Why?'
And as the stars answer with a sweet, sweet lullaby,
I now know my friends are sky-high.

Hi! Welcome to YWS!
I like this poem- especially the first stanza that sets a gruesome scene which is just like the life of a soldier. I like the first stanza's rhythm and flow but the second stanza doesn't flow so well, I find.

Families torn apart. Here I think you should add are or something to give it more syllables like the other lines
There is a giant weight sitting in my heart. This line can be changed slightly. Maybe you could shorten the 'there is' to 'there's' or ' a giant weight sits in my heart'.
Was it meant to happen this way from the start?

That's all I have to say. You did quite a nice job!
Keep writing

It's interesting, and I like the rhyme scheme. As the reviewer before me said, the second stanza was rather choppy. I would've prefered that you kept the five line rhyme in the second stanza as well. The ending was great though, and I love the lines

And as the stars answer with a sweet, sweet lullaby,
I now know my friend's are sky-high.

I personally would get rid of now, but those are my two favorite lines of the whole poem.

Good job! Keep writing stuff like this!

-Nana

Hey, Alphabet! GREAT poem!

I can tell that this topic means a lot to you. I personally think (not to tread on the previous reviewers) that poetry doesn't have to be a uniform thing. Look at Carl Sandburg;

THE fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

He didn't use a set pattern of stanzas, nor did he use rhyme, as some people almost religiously believe MUST be part of a poem. If I remember correctly, Carl didn't even use punctuation correctly. He never capitalized his sentences, either. (although this particular one I did.. can't find the original)

Poetry is a delicate thing, to be written with caution and love. And, I'm glad to say, you have accomplished that!! We can feel your emotions, picture and hear the scene around you. And, we can relate.

Well done, once again!

~The Scratt