A Spirit's Poem

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Of all the things I have done in the past;
nothing stays the same; nothing can last.
From past to present, I roam the earth;
From life to death is my rebirth.
What it means to be dead, I know not;
Everything I had, when I lived, has now rot.
I once had it all, from land to riches;
Now I have been reduced to wishes.
What is it that she knows that I don't?
My life is a secret. Share it, I won't.
Every day is a death for my soul;
Every night just lets me roll;
Deep in my everlasting rest, I dream;
But things are never what they seem.
Last edited by Redfang18 on Thu Jun 30, 2011 4:50 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables




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Redfang18 wrote:Of all the things I have done in the past;
nothing stays the same; it can't last.(thing is, you've said "nothing" which is quite a vast thing, and then you say "it" and pinpoint something ,even though the object in question is infinite vagueness.)
From past to present, I roam the earth;
From living to death is my rebirth.(Wile "death" is a Noun, living is a verb. )
What does it mean to be dead, I know not;I would suggest that you say "what it means to be dead" , as what you have at the moment is more of a question followed by a flat statement)
Everything I had, when I lived, has now rot.(LOVE this)
I once had it all, from land to riches;
Now I have been reduced to dishes.(Confusing..Reduced to <i>dishes?</i>
What is it that she knows that I don't;(end with a "?" ? )
My live is a secret. Share it, I won't.(life, not live)
Every day is a death for my soul;
Every night just lets me roll;
Deep in my everlasting rest, I dream;
But things are never what they seem.

Overall, a good poem. Just want you to know, that all my comments were made good-heartedly with no intention of any harm whatsoever. They're mere suggestions from my squiggly and odd point of view. Good job, keep it up!
Why can't we have drops of sunshine, and rays of rain?




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Now I have been reduced to dishes.
Dishes? HU?

All and all it seems like it has allot of thought put into it. It is a little hard to understand but hey if you like it then.....

~FW~
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I really like this poem, you had me from the first four lines. Also, I don't know if you noticed or if it was intentional but your poem fits many of the requirements of a Shakespearean sonnet. It has the usual fourteen lines and the rhyming pattern of (e, f, e, f) and even though it doesn't have the required structure of three quatrains and couplet, I would say its very close to being a Shakespearan sonnet and could be if you wanted it to be.

Firstly I salute you to writing a poem with rhyme, which is hard to do without being nonsensical. I thought you did this very well except for the eighth line which ends in 'dishes.' Instead maybe you could have written something that fitted more that ended with another word that rhymes with riches like 'wishes'??? Overall I really liked the structure of this poem and the vague mysterious tone that you wrote it in, so that it sounded almost like a riddle. I loved the question and answering side of the poem with line such as
Redfang18 wrote:What it means to be dead, I know not;
, and I think you did very well. It flows well and shows your talents as a writer. Well done.
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson



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