What is love

What Is Love

What is love?
It’s funny that you ask
To me love is a hidden face
Behind a pearl white mask

Why is such love a secret
And shut up nice and tight
And kept hidden away from us
And concealed far out of sight

Love is the crazed destroyer
It leaves men raving in the rain
It causes suffering and ice in our hearts
And raises oh so terrible Cain

I keep such love a secret
To spare you of the pain
So later when you hate me
You have nothing left to gain

There is such I swear to you
And it can consume a man
So don’t underestimate
The things love can

I’ve felt such love and it’s left me cold
To shiver through the night
So leave love alone my faithful friend ‘cause
Love can be an awful fright!

hey I'm Brown Eyed Girl,

I'm soooooo happy I found this poem, i absolutely love it! Somethings I struggle to put into words what I really think you like been in my head or something! =] I normally give people tips bit I honestly can't think of any to write! I'm new at this website too if you want to help each other out I'm cool with that

Great poem again please message me if you're gunna write anything else

Brown Eyed Girl x

I like this a lot. I was expecting a clichd, emo poem about lost love, but this really took me by surprise!

I think this would flow better, though, if you used some puctuation.

Also, this verse:

There is such I swear to you
And it can consume a man
So don’t underestimate
The things love can

This doesn't make much sense. I would clean it up a bit. I kind of get the general idea, but it is phrased oddly.

Lastly, you use the word "thru". Usually abbreviations don't work very well in poetry, and I would recommend you replace it with through.

~Lynn

Hmm. Not bad I guess. One thing: your erm, title. Reminds me of a Haddaway song. Which is now in my head. Badly.

Reeeeeeeegardless, allow me to get the nit-pick-o-matic and begin. *Flicks switch*

Number 1: Your topic: Alright. Not original, really, but, not horrendously cliche'd.
Number 2: Your overall poem: Needs some work, but overall good.

That work? And here we go:

You're trying too hard. Don't just stick imagery in for the sake of imagery, that's not what a poem's about. You want to weave a tapestry of colour and emotion, not a pile of interesting threads that don't fit together so well.

And. In one or two places you slip up:
'Raises oh so terrible Cain'.
Yeah OK. I see what you mean. Use your internal thesaurus, I can see you have one. 'Oh so terrible?' Pardon? One, the word's a little bit 'alright then' a little bit 'same'. Poetry doesn't use that word very often because it's overused. And. It breaks the rythm. Considerably. As for 'raising Cain' I know how the saying goes and it means causing a ruckus and all that, but in this case, a mention of Cain doesn't work, I'm afraid. Find a different rhyme, if you MUST rhyme. I'll say this now: write some open. if you want to rhyme, rhyme, but never rhyme just because 'poetry should rhyme' which I think you're doing.

As for 'the things love can'. There's forcing rhymes, and there's... knocking words off to make things rhyme and therefore make the line nonsenical. Err. Yes, I'll leave it at that.

Your thru - please, use through. It's more correct, unless you Americans started spelling it funny, in which case, I'm behind the times so I apologise.

Now it's all (mostly) good and solid and emotional then the end?

'Love can be an awful fright!'
That's wrong for so many reasons, goodness. It falls flat as a line, let alone an ending. 'An awful fright' makes you sound like a little old woman talking about a moth in the loft, not a person sick of love, gracious. So yeah, it just doesn't work. I can't suggest anything in its place other than changing the last stanza, because I don't think ANY of that stanza lives up to the rest of the poem, really.

Erm. Sorry if that seemed harsh. I like the 'hidden face' line, to make myself seem less evil, and a couple other things, but I'm here to help, not flatter.

G'luck with life ~ Schem

Okay, well where to start. First off, excellent job, this poem really spoke to me, and I know that people can use that as a line that doesn’t really have meaning behind it, but this line speaks a lot in only six words. I could picture a story, and see your words relate to an uncountable amount of people.
That’s my positive remarks, and I mean every word I say, but I believe writing, like art, is only done when you believe it is done. Now, I do not know if you feel like this piece is complete, but what I do know is that I have a few critiques for you if that’s all right. Here we go—

Behind a pearl white mask

Love this line! Maybe it's because I am a cancer and thats my birth stone or because it gives just enought detail in one line to wow the reader. Who knows!

And shut up nice and tight

There’s something about the word shut up that I can’t take my eyes off of. It’s not really the message I think you’re trying to reach in this piece. I recommend something along the lines of, “and held out of the light” I recommend this for two reasons, it gives the pieces a better flow and also there is so much dark, despair, and coldness in this piece, which I love, but I think for a nice contrast the lack of light and warmth should be mentioned.

Otherwise great job!
SnowBerry!

Okay, I like the idea of the poem. I really do. As others have said above me, it is a good idea but not very original. Its also very not cliche'd which is very good.

There are just some things that make the poem not as good as it could be. First is the rhyming. This poem does not have any need to rhyme, and not to be rude, but I think that by rhyming it, you ruined it. Some of the rhymes really don't work, and that is where the next problem comes in. Some the lines really don't fit. The line with Cain in it doesn't work. At all. The oh so terrible sounds childish and I didn't even understand the Cain part until I read Schemilix's review. Which is probably not good, I'm guessing? If readers don't know what you are talking about, then they will NOT keep on reading.

The second line I absolutley did not understand was the line that ended with can. It felt like it was not finished and it just sounded really really weird and bad. In two of the stanza's, you use the same rhyme, -ain. Pain, Cain, and the other two. That didn't feel right either.

Overall, I think this poem is good but could and can be much, much better. Sorry if I sounded harsh, I really didn't mean to be. Oh, and along with Schemilix (again) I also liked the first part about the mask and face. They were good imagery and a beautiful way to relate your meaning to the reader in the first couple of sentances.

Good job,
Emmy