Red Stilettos(Title Pending) Chapter 1- Council

The council that was sitting perfectly aligned in there chairs were all waiting for the case to begin. All seven of them in a sitting at a long, rounded bench. The council was wearing bright red robes that matched there eyes. It was similar to a court room, with the judge, the jury off to the side, with the family members waiting impatiently in there seats, and the case subjects with the lawyers with them. However, here the council were the judges and the jury, and there was no family members or lawyers.

They all just sat there, perfectly quiet and proper. The two case subjects sat in separate chairs fidgeting uncomfortably in the middle of the large circular room. The girl of the two case subjects had long golden blonde hair and her eyes were an really light icy blue. She was wearing a short black dress with blue sneakers that didn't quite fit her. The boy of the case subjects has ash hair that was disheveled and shaggy. His clothes are a pair of worn out, light wash jeans and a white button up shirt. The girl was looked frightened, but the boy was looking at the ground and seemed to show no fear.

The big one who was positioned at the middle of the rounded bench who is the head of the council rose from his seat. When he spoke the teens in the chairs listened, “Mitchel Riley you have been accused of turning Ali Fret into a vampire without permission from the council, she was not sick of any disease so there was no reason for this change.”

He took a brief pause then continued, “You did this without anyone knowing and you clearly do not love this girl. Explain to us why you did this?” trembles were in his voice and spat the words do not love this girl. Taking his seat again he raised an eyebrow at the boy, Mitchel who was sitting in the chair beside the girl, Ali.

Mitchel Riley looked up from the ground to face the council, “I do love her.”

When he spoke it did not sound convincing, it was not a confident voice, more like a silent whimper that made the council members glance at each other.

The woman on the end rose from her seat to speak, there was an angry scowl on her face, “If you love her you should have came to ask permission. Vampires have lived in secrecy for over a hundred decades now and exposing humans to us is against the law, same goes for turning them into a vampire. You have broken two laws that haven't been broken in over one decade. Break even one of these laws can get you killed. Do you understand?” Her voice was very serious and she had a new scowl on her face, this one more angry then the last.

Mitchel was nodding somberly and went back to looking at the floor. His dark gray eyes seemed even darker now.

“Do you understand?” The woman said, her voice raised and angry, her hands smashing into the curved desk.

Mitchel looked quickly at her in the eye,“Yes, I understand, but I do love this girl!” This time his voice was more sincere and he looked at Ali who was sitting ever so quietly in her chair.

Another woman stood up she seemed more collected then the other council members, “Mitchel, That girl is not your soulmate. You show no signs of it, so there for, she was not yours to turn. You have disobeyed us Mitchel.” Her voice was calm and soft. Though disobeying the council was a tragedy she seemed to show no signs that what he had done was tragic.

As the woman sat down the man beside her rose, “Magnolia is right, and Rose is right to. Disobeying us is not only a law which you have broken but a complete disrespect. Mitchel and Ali please leave the court room. We have to talk about a punishment.” This man's voice is also collected and soft, yet there was anger around the edges of every word.

Ali now started to rise out of her seat then Mitchel's hand pushed her back down. Ali gaped at Mitchel but he was facing the council again, “Fine, punish me, kill me, but don't punish Ali.” With that he took Ali by the hand and left the room.

First Off, I really like your writing voice and the plot. I think you could go very far with it. I like the idea of a vampire jury. I do though have some critiques.
Over the course of the whole thing you have kinda messy sentences occasionally. You have comas where it would be better to have periods and start new sentences, especially on your descriptions of the characters. In your descriptions you have a lot of wording you don't need, For example instead of saying "The girl had long blonde that was a golden color, her eyes were a really light blue..." you could say, "The girl had long golden blonde hair and her eyes were an icy blue." Also having more descriptive words makes it more interesting. But thats an opinion. Oh, and in the second paragraph you just say "The big one" you might want to specify that he's a vamp jury guy.
Again I really like it and keep writing!

Edits in red, comments in blue.

The council, that was sitting perfectly aligned in there chairs, were all waiting for the case to begin. All 7seven of them in a row at a long, rounded bench how exactly can you be in a row on a ROUND bench?, all wearing bright red robes. It was likesimiliar to a court room, you know with the judge, the jury off to the side, with the family members waiting impatiently in there seats, and the case subjects with the lawyers with them. OnlyHowever, here the council were the judges and the jury, and there was no family members or lawyers. They all just sat there, perfectly quitequiet and proper, while the case subjects sat in two separate chair's fidgeting uncomfortably in the middle of the hugelarge circular room. The girl had long blonde hair that was a golden colour you described her hair as both blonde and gold, but said them seperately. Try saying "The girl had long, golden blonde hair" instead, her eyes were a really light blue, and she was wearing a button up shirt that was a light blue tucked into a black pencil skirt that went to her knees you use really twice in this one sentence. Try saying instead, "her eyes were an extremely light blue". The boy had ash coloured hair with dark gray eyes,. He was wearing a half tucked in half notun-tucked in gray button up shirt, and a pair of black worn out jeans. The girl was looking frighteningly frightiningly isn't a word. Instead say frightened, or looked with fright at almost everything that was around her, but the boy was looking at the ground.

The big one, the one with the blood red eyes and hair that matched his red robe, rose from his seat that was positioned in the middle of the seven council members.

New paragraphWhen he spoke, the teens in the chairs listened, “Mitchel Riley you have been accused of turning Ali Fret into a vampire without permission from the council,. She was not sick of any disease, so there was no reason for this change.”

Start a new paragraph here, just because readers don't like to read long paragraphs.He took a brief pause then continued, “You did this without anyone knowing and you clearly do not love this girl. Explain to us why you did this?”

New paragraphHe spoke with trembles in his voice and spat the words 'do not love this girl' out. Taking his seat again he raised an eyebrow at the boy, Mitchel who was sitting in the chair beside the girl, Ali.

Mitchel Riley looked up from the ground and said, “I do love her.”

New paragraphbutHowever, when he spoke ithe did not sound convincing,. It was not a loud confident voice, more like a silent whimper and itthat made the council members glance at each other.

One of tThe woman on the end rose from her seat to speak, she had already put an angry scowl on her face, “If you love her you should have came to us to ask permission, even then we would have said noJust leave that part out, because they're trying to get the point to him to ask. By saying that, that would make him think even if he did ask they'd just say no. Even if it was true, they wouldn't say so. Vampires have lived in secrecy for over a hundred decades now and exposing humans to us is against the law, and same goes for turning them into a vampire is against the law as well. You have broken two laws that haven't been broken in over one decade. Breaking even one of these laws can get you killed. Do you understand?” Her voice was very serious and she had a new scowl on her face, this one more angry then the last.

Mitchel was nodding somberly and went back to looking at the floor. His dark gray eyes seemed even darker now, and they were all glassy lookingThis sentence is kind of immature and unfit for a novel. Instead, say that had a glassed over look to them, or his eyes were glazed over..

“Do you understand!?” The woman's voice was now said, her voiceraised and angry . Hher hands were smasheding into the curved desk, that causeding the desk to break a little.

Mitchel looked quickly at her in the eye,“Yes, I understand, but I do love this girl!” This time his voice was more sincere and he looked at Ali who was sitting ever so quietly in her chair.

Another woman stood up she seemed more collected then the other council members, “Mitchel, That girl is not your soulmate. You show no signs of it, so there for, she was not yours to turn. You have disobeyed us Mitchel.” Her voice was calm and soft. Though disobeying the council was a tragedy she seemed to show no signs that what he had done was tragic.

As the woman sat down, the man beside her rose “Magnolia is right, asnd Rose is right to,. Disobeying us is not only a law which you have broken but a complete disrespect. Mitchel and Ali please leave the court room. We have to talk about a punishment.” This man's voice is also collected and soft, yet there was anger around the edges of every word.

Ali now started to rise out of her seat then Mitchel's hand pushed her back down. Ali gaped at Mitchel but he was facing the council again. “Fine, punish me, kill me,” he dragged out each me trying to pleadinstead of saying this, put the me's in italics “but don't punish Ali.” With that he took Ali by the hand and left the room.

This was overall pretty good, but you have some work to do. It has good potential. Also, remember to put a comma before you start each person speaking. For example: The girl said, "I love puppies."

There's more I could've corrected in this review, but I both didn't want to bore you and got bored myself. Good luck, keep writing!

Love and other things,
fictionfantic.

Hello there I'm Truth, nice to meet you! I shall review this chapter of yours. Comments in bold, corrections/suggestions in red. Keep in mind that anything I change in this doesn't have to be changed, it's up to you, your are the master of your novel! Shall we start?

germsieGal wrote:The council, comma that was sitting perfectly aligned in their chairs were all waiting for the case to begin. You can take out 'that was' in there, to make it flow a bit more and just make the sentence sound better, with a comma it says just the same but in a better way. Also, 'there' should be written 'their' since its possessive, the chair belongs to them. There's also this sentence right after, that sounds a bit awkward all by itself there but could be incorporated with the one before for a more natural flow. All seven of them in a sitting at a long, rounded bench. The council was wearing bright red robes that matched their eyes. It was similar to a court room, with the judge, the jury off to the side, with the family members waiting impatiently in there seats, and the case subjects with the lawyers with them. However, here the council were the judges and the jury, and there were no family members or lawyers. Family members are plural, therefore it should be 'were'.

They all just sat there, perfectly quiet and proper. The two case subjects sat in separate chairs, comma fidgeting uncomfortably in the middle of the large circular room. The girl of the two case subjects had long, comma golden blonde hair and her eyes were an really intense light, comma icy blue eyes. She was wearing a short, comma black dress with blue sneakers that didn't quite fit her. The boy of the case subjects had ash hair that was disheveled and shaggy. His clothes were a pair of worn out, light wash jeans and a white button up shirt. The girl was You don't need was in there. looked frightened, but the boy was looking at the ground and seemed to show no fear. When writing, you should always remain in only one verb tense but people tend to start out with past and switch back and forth with present. This is a very common mistakes but it doesn't make it right. When talking about the past, it should remain past, unless you come back to the present. In a novel, if the authors choose to write in the past tense, then it shall remain so 'till the end. You're doing pretty good so far, you just have some slip-ups (that I corrected in blue so you could spot them faster), but it's just something to consider when you revise.

The big one , comma who was positioned at the middle of the rounded bench who is and the head of the council, comma rose from his seat. When he spoke, comma the teens in the chairs listened, “Mitchel Riley you have been accused of turning Ali Fret into a vampire without permission from the council, she was not sick of any disease so there was no reason for this change.”

He took a brief pause then continued, “You did this without anyone knowing of it, comma and you clearly do not love this girl. Explain to us why you did this?” trembles were in his voice and spat the words do not love this girl. Maybe this could be "There were trembles in his voice as he spat the words 'do not love this girl'". Taking his seat again, comma he raised an eyebrow at the boy, Mitchel who was sitting in the chair beside the girl, Ali. You don't need to repeat what the reader already figured out.

Mitchel Riley looked up from the ground to face the council, “I do love her.” Maybe full names are a bit too formal...

When he spoke it did not sound convincing, it was not a confident voice, more like a silent whimper that made the council members glance at each other.I like the description here.

The woman on the end rose from her seat to speak, there was an angry scowl on her face, “If you love her, comma you should have came to ask us permission. Vampires have lived in secrecy for over a hundred decades now and exposing humans to us is against the law, same goes for turning them into a vampire. You have broken two laws that haven't been broken in over one decade. Break even one of these laws can get you killed. Do you understand?” Her voice was very serious and she had a new scowl on her face, this one more angry then the last.

Mitchel was nodding somberly and went back to looking at the floor, comma his dark gray eyes seemed even darker now. You could combine these sentences to make it feel more flowy.

“Do you understand?” The woman said, her voice raised and angry, her hands smashing into the curved desk.

Mitchel looked quickly at her in the eye,“Yes, I understand, but I do love this girl!” This time his voice was more sincere and he looked over at Ali, comma who was sitting ever so quietly in her chair.

Another woman stood up, comma and she seemed more collected then the other council members, “Mitchel, That girl is not your soulmate. You show no signs of it, so therefore, she was not yours to turn. You have disobeyed us, comma Mitchel.” Her voice was calm and soft. Though disobeying the council was a tragedy, comma she seemed to show no signs that what he had done was tragic. I'm not sure tragic is the right word for this...

As the woman sat down, comma the man beside her rose, “Magnolia is right, and Rose is right to. Disobeying us is not only a law, comma which you have broken, comma but a complete disrespect. Mitchel and Ali please leave the courtroom. We have to talk about a punishment.” This man's voice was also collected and soft, yet there was anger around the edges of every word.

Ali now started to rise out of her seat but Mitchel's hand pushed her back down. Ali gaped at Mitchel but he was facing the council again, “Fine, punish me, kill me, but don't punish Ali.” With that, comma he took Ali by the hand and left the room.

Alright so overall, I feel like there's some emotions missing... the narration itself is pretty neutral, there's missing something. There's a lot of description, which is good, though. Also, who is your MC? Normally, by the first few sentences, we should be able to tell who you'll be following. Will you be following someone in particular? Maybe you chose to narrate in omniscient but I feel that takes away the relationship between the character and the reader, which is something really special. That's pretty much all the critique I have Hooray, you've survived this long! I apologize if I've been harsh, I certainly didn't mean to be... but I liked this, it's a nice beginning and I'm pretty curious of what you'll do with this plot!
Keep on writing!

PS: If you have any questions or concerns about any comments or corrections above, feel free to PM me
-Truth-