That Silent Face

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Points 1853

Reviews 130

Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:31 am

Baywolf says... · Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:31 am

That's not me screaming in the night.
I'm asleep, filtering dreams from reality
Trying to find a way back to who I am—
Darkness cannot hide me from myself.
But the light I have is dimming on and off
And I can't find the switch to change
The channel back to who I want to be—
It’s a strange flow, twisting and turning
Me under the gaze of a silent face and
A luckless age,
Lost and found in a
Labyrinth of unchanging mists that
Lead nowhere and everywhere a heart
Could desire except to the one place
It needs to be when it wakes up—
I try to sleep, to fight the dreams of hope
And tender moments that give life
Nightmares.
Pain is only a weakness,
It’s true, but it is and it isn’t when it
Happens to strangers and you’re watching
From the distance of years, and tiny
Signals floating past the stars and
Into your closed, watching eyes don’t
Tell you anything you don’t already know.
You’re not awake—
And it is real.

After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux

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snickerdooly

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Points 3149

Reviews 153

Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:51 am

snickerdooly says... · Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:51 am

That's not me screaming in the night.
I'm asleep, filtering dreams from reality
Trying to find a way back to who I am—
Darkness cannot hide me from myself.
But the light I have is dimming on and off
And I can't find the switch to change Hey this part sounds a little unfinished
The channel back to who I want to be—
It’s a strange flow, twisting and turning
Me under the gaze of a silent face and
A luckless age,
Lost and found in a
Labyrinth of unchanging mists that
Lead nowhere and everywhere a heart This part should be something like: "It leads nowhere and everywhere to a heart. I think that would make it sound a lot more clearer.
Could desire except to the one place Maybe say, "Could desire have exceptions to this one place.
It needs to be when it wakes up—
I try to sleep, to fight the dreams of hope
And tender moments that give life
Nightmares.
Pain is only a weakness,
It’s true, but it is and it isn’t when it
Happens to strangers and you’re watching
From the distance of years, and tiny
Signals floating past the stars and
Into your closed, (The comma is not needed here.) watching eyes don’t
Tell you anything you don’t already know.
You’re not awake—
And it is real.

Overall I liked the flow of the poem and the way it sounds when read, also the idea is very creative but a couple things oyu can do to make it even better is: First maybe put it into different stanzas not just one big one it would help with understanding it more and not feel overwhelmed by so much text.
Also you should try to edit it up a bit and make it more clearer so the reader can understand the piece more.
Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller

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tgirly

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Points 1147

Reviews 374

Wed Jun 29, 2011 3:58 am

tgirly says... · Wed Jun 29, 2011 3:58 am

I think you could break it up into more than one stanza to give it more flow, but other than that, I like how it melds into the next line so smoothly.

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

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writeitalldown

Gender

Points 1320

Reviews 37

Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:02 pm

writeitalldown says... · Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:02 pm

I enjoyed the idea and complexity of this poem. Dream type poems are often difficult to write because the "dream state" is so confusing itself and so detailed and emotional its un-describable, and hard to explain while making complete sense to the reader. Yet, your poem was surprisingly easy to read, even though I think that you should break it up into multiple stanzas instead of one. Punctuation also helps while reading, and I absolutley fell in love with the way every line flows into the other. Your poem was kind of self-conflicting at times but this is excused because it is a dream state.
Overall, very good-job.

That's not me screaming in the night.
I'm asleep, filtering dreams from reality.
Trying to find a way back to who I am—
darkness cannot hide me from myself.
But the light I have is dimming on and off
and I can't find the switch to change
the channel back to who I want to be.
It's a strange flow, twisting and turning
me under the gaze of a silent face and
a luckless age.
Labyrinth of unchanging mists that
lead nowhere and everywhere a heart
could desire except to the one place
it needs to be when it wakes up.
I try to sleep, to fight the dreams of hope
and tender moments that give life
nightmares.
Pain is only a weakness,
it's true, but it is and it isn't when it
happens to strangers and you're watching
from the distance of years, and tiny
signals floating past the stars and
into your closed, watching eyes don't
tell you anything you don't already know.
You're not awake—
and it is real.

Tips on punctuation:
*Everytime you drop down to another line in your poem, you do not capitalize the letter, you only capitalize the letter 'i' names, titles, proper nouns, and the first letter of the word in the beginning of every sentence.

*Make sure to end your sentences with a period.

Sorry for ranting. -Bettinger

"You can't find another me, but I can find a million yous."

"My shadow followed when you walked away and ever since that day my life has never been the same"

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