Redeeming the Time

Spoiler

This is a poem I wrote about a slave trader who regrets his past. It needs a LOT of work, so please go for it!

Wails ripping,
whips cracking.

The clink of gold,
the sobs of mothers.

Hear the cry
of the auctioneer

Hear the dragging
of the chains

Ghosts of thousands
Whisper down my neck

Souls of innocents
cry out from the ground

The stink of sweat, blood,
and cruelty remain on my hands

Those who were in bondage,
are now free.

I, who was free,
am now in bondage

All the torment I sowed,
I now reap

I have a price on my head,
though not physical,

That is far greater than
the price of all combined

The rolling of the sea has
become the churnings of guilt

The groan of a ship has
become the groans of regret

For with my one life,
I sealed the death of countless

Hi,

This flows well and I love your use of couplets. The violent and concise beginning really drew me in. I especially enjoyed:
"The rolling of the sea has
become the churnings of guilt

The groan of a ship has
become the groans of regret."
They were really powerful.

My only quibble is that I think the ending was a little weak. I'd go for something that engages the senses and shows the reader rather than telling them what the speaker feels directly.

A very enjoyable read.

Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Jas

I really like this poem. It's very impressive. I also love the mystery to it. I love how everyone can take it in and interrupt it in different ways. Great image creating!

Oh my, I'm back! At the beginning you said:

It needs a LOT of work...

But I find nothing wrong with it! Like everything else I read, I really liked this. I love the emotions you show in your writing, it's unique. This is great, keep up the good work! If you have anything else, please let me know (and I mean anything! Don't hold out on me, I love your work! Congratulations you have a new fan! ) Till next time!

--Tabby

Thank you, Tabby! ^_^ Probably my first fan, too