The Romanov (Prologue)

Ok, so the last thing I posted on this site was in April, how sad is that? Ok, about The Romanov, the title is a little iffy, I like it myself, but its hard to explain, so if you want a long explanation about it then please just ask. Its not quite a romance novella, it kind of works its self into one, along the way. So please bare with me. I am very proud of this piece, very proud its silly how excited I am about writing this. Well, like always nit-pick but don't be mean.
Addawen.
P.S. the prologue part is spoken from a guys point of view.


It was then that I first laid eyes on the carnal, exotic, creature before me and it may be my last. I raised my hands in innocence eyeing the little twelve gauge shotgun she held in her tiny hands.
The blood lust in her eyes was hunger, it was hate, carnage even but above all it was desire. Desire shown through those blue eyes, desire for want of her trigger finger to pull back letting the thirsty bullet escape from its cage and plow deeply into my skull.
I would then fall backwards, my eyes not seeing the scarlet of my blood spew from me, my eyes not seeing the little twitch of a smile crossing her plump lips.
I blinked once, twice and the image of me lying flat on my back unseeing, danced before me. I focused on the crazed beauty before me, her eyes such a vibrant blue they would make the jewel, for which they are named after thrive with jealousy. Her tawny colored hair soft as silk billowing in the wind behind her, showing off her ample little body.
Those eyes, my God I will never forget such eyes. I had no idea so much emotion could be shown through eyes.
Was this to be my end? Struck down by this siren, and I a man of war, am I too be snuffed out like this, after all that I have seen and lived through?
Her petal shaped lips twitched in that one of a kind smile, then disappeared, her bright eyes grew more fierce.
“Out of my way Viking!” she snarls, her voice sweeter then I imagined. “My quarrel is not with you.”
“Viking?” I ask bewildered.
Before I could utter another word, like a viper the butt of her gun struck out, slamming into my skull. And just like so many others before me, I Jensen Kolbeck, fell victim to The Romanov.

PadrePio's Short Xenical Review:

Since prologues do not necessarily contain a plot as further evidenced by your story's prologue, I will not be able to comment on the plot and structure of your story, novella, novel, or whatever it is. One thing I need to tell you though is to please. . . give us, your poor readers, the space and time to breath. More specifically, we need commas. Do try to be aware of "natural" pauses within sentences because you ought to place a punctuation mark whenever they occur. And just to reiterate, I can hardly glean what, in Bapho's name, this write up is all about. But from what I can infer, it is a dark/semi-dark -themed novel with humorous undertones. Although I cannot say that the prologue is highly interesting, it is decent enough to make me glance at the first chapter and see where the hell the story is going and if commas are still under-appreciated.

Keep Writing!

It's confusing enough that I wanted to read it through. As PadrePio pointed out, you need to put in some more commas to make the story seem more natural. But the thing that confused me most of all was the fact that the Romanov called Jensen a Viking. Were there guns back in those times? I really don't think so. Anyway: Keep Writing!

TIGERSPRITE

Totally agreed with the first review
Please add more commas. There are the natural breaks in your sentences where the reader takes a breath, anyway

I can't really say anything on your lot, character description or anything, because I really don't know much.
All I can say is
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder

Thanks guys, your comments are very helpful.
It's not set in ancient times, I use the term "Viking" losely, because the name Jensen is scandinavian, so yea, that will be explained as the story goes along. I don't want to give up so much of the whole story, because they are some things you as the reader need to figure out on your own, and you will get to do that as the story developes, chapter one will be posted soon, and that will help just alittle.

Hello Addawen! All I have to say is: this is amazing. Maybe the end where he got shot you should make it seem like slow motion (my suggeststion thats it). I loved it. This peice is beautifuly written. Keep Writing!
Nike

Hi there! I'll have a go at reviewing this today.

I won't repeat what the others have said about commas and whatnot. I will suggest more spacing between paragraphs. As it is, the prologue appears to be a wall of text, and isn't as clear as more spaced out paragraphs. Sometimes, that can discourage readers in longer pieces.

One thing I will nitpick about your story. The 12 gauge shotgun. They're, by no means, "little." They're meant to be fired from the shoulder, much like regular rifles. And, back in the early twentieth century, which I'm assuming is the time frame due to the usage of the name Romanov, they were bigger than they are now. Just something to remember: realism in novels/novellas/whatever it is.

This is intriguing, so keep writing!

Sporks

Hihi.
I found your novel by browsing through the 'Novels & Novellas' page. The main reason I picked yours was because of your synopsis, which stood out.
Anyways, to the actual reviewing.
The first thing I found when I was reading through was, as another reviewer pointed out, a twelve gauge shotgun isn't...tiny. Well, I suppose to the right person it might, but not to necessarily to the reader. If I were you, all I would do is remove the 'little' and then you would be fine.

The blood lust in her eyes was hunger, it was hate, carnage even but above all it was desire.

I would suggest some changes in this sentence. Such as, "The blood-lust in her eyes was hunger, it was hate, carnage even- but above all it was desire." As your story goes along, I noticed some lack of commas in areas where they should be. The absence of them can off-put the reader and mess up the spacing in their head, which can put them off.
Overall, it's a good read but can use some editing in the spacing department. Other than that, you have a pretty good prologue on your hands.

((Er, I just went back and noticed that this is a bit of an older post. ^.^; I hope you appreciate the review anyway.))

Spiderman Here.

I don't think she means Viking, when she says it. I think it more refers to the region of Scandinavia. Okay, great voice, great description and imagery. It was beautifully puled off. The idea seems great, BUT I have one problem with it.
I'm not saying you will do this, but MANY BEFORE have made the mistake of making their character perfect. The character will kill 50 men on the battle field with a pistol. Just don't make your action scenec unrealistic. Give your characters a weakness.

That is all.