Cancer

Yes, this poem is quite dark but most of my poems are. My friend's Grandfather died a month ago from Cancer, and my Mum's best friend died of cancer two years ago. But also for my own Grandfather who I never met but wish dearly that I had. Rest in Peace to you all.

Under a tree is where I sit. Under this tree is where I wait.
Under my tree is where I ponder, about my looming, inevitable fate.

Under a sky is where I frown. Under that sky is where I cry.
Under my sky is where I ponder, waiting for the day that I'm told I must die.

Under a lamp is where I’m cold. Under this lamp is where I’m blind.
Under their lamp is where I ponder, with nothing but me and my empty mind.

Under a cloth is where I’m gone. Under a cloth is where I’m dismissed.
Under their cloth is where I ponder, left in a world where I no longer exist.

Under a tree is where I sit. Under this tree is where I grin.
Under my tree is where I ponder, on another life that’s about to begin.

Hello,

I enjoyed this poem. My grandfather passed away recently (of a stroke, but all the same) so I can identify. It is dark, but I like the way you lift it at the end. It keeps it from being morbid. First off, I have some nitpicks:

Under a tree is where I sit. Under this tree is where I wait.
Under my tree is where I ponder, over my looming, inevitable fate. The line does need the syllables, but if you could try to find a word other that "over" that would be good. Over just doesn't fit here.

Under a sky is where I frown. Under that sky is where I cry.
Under my sky is where I ponder, waiting for the day that I'm told I must die. This is a beautiful stanza.

Under a lamp is where I’m cold. Under this lamp is where I’m blind.
Under their lamp is where I ponder, with nothing but me and my empty mind. Under "their lamp?" Whose lamp?

Under a cloth is where I’m gone. Under a cloth is where I’m dismissed. Dismissed doesn't really fit.
Under their cloth is where I ponder, left in a world where I no longer exist. There is one too many syllables in this line.

Under a tree is where I sit. Under this tree is where I grin.
Under my tree is where I ponder, on another life that’s about to begin. I love your ending.

Okay, with those out of the way I'd like to say how impressed I was by your ability to rhyme. You seem to have a very natural grasp of how lines fit into a poem and how words work together. Your poem reads easily and nicely, so kudos for that! This may seem a little bit superfluous, but you might think a bit about your title. I know it is supposed to explain, but I challenge you to get more creative with it. In general, excellent work with this!

Sare

Crimsona wrote:
Under a tree is where I sit. Under this tree is where I wait.
Under my tree is where I ponder, about my looming, inevitable fate.

Under a sky is where I frown. Under that sky is where I cry.
Under my sky is where I ponder, waiting for the day that I'm told I must die. I don't like how this line drags on, it seems to break the rhythm of the whole poem... I suggest you take out the "That I'm told"

Under a lamp is where I’m cold. Under this lamp is where I’m blind.
Under their lamp is where I ponder, with nothing but me and my empty mind.

Under a cloth is where I’m gone. Under a cloth is where I’m dismissed.
Under their cloth is where I ponder, left in a world where I no longer exist.

Under a tree is where I sit. Under this tree is where I grin.
Under my tree is where I ponder, on another life that’s about to begin.

I love, love, love this poem. It's truly beautiful. Nice rhymes, nice rhythm, nice imagery and wow, it's just beautiful. Keep on writing!

-Truth-

I think that anyone can relate to this poem, because I don't think there is anyone in the world that hasn't been affected by cancer in some way, no matter how small or in what way.

Okay, so now on to the nitpicks:

1) This is a small one, and actually kinda stupid, but it really bothers me how everytime you use "Under", it's capitalized. It'd be fine if it were a different line every "under", but it's not.

2)

Under a cloth is where I’m dismissed.

At this part, everything alternates "this that this", and it's missing "that".

3) The repetitive use of "ponder" is also sort of annoying. It takes away from the depth of the poem, for me.


Keep writing!

I think that anyone can relate to this poem, because I don't think there is anyone in the world that hasn't been affected by cancer in some way, no matter how small or in what way.

Okay, so now on to the nitpicks:

1) This is a small one, and actually kinda stupid, but it really bothers me how everytime you use "Under", it's capitalized. It'd be fine if it were a different line every "under", but it's not.

2)

Under a cloth is where I’m dismissed.

At this part, everything alternates "this that this", and it's missing "that".

3) The repetitive use of "ponder" is also sort of annoying. It takes away from the depth of the poem, for me.


Keep writing!

Hi there,

No need to apologize for working with material that isn't all sunshine and happiness - poetry is a great place to work through life's darkest corners, to figure out how it is you understand the world and everything in it. So I say good for you for tackling such difficult subject matter.

A lot of people don't particularly care for repetition in poetry, but I've never had really strong feelings about it one way or the other. The big thing for me in this poem was punctuation. I have to be in the right mindset to read poetry, and, for me, punctuation is where I'll make it or break it in terms of "getting it" on the the first or second read before I get frustrated. I would highly recommend using more commas to allow your words to flow more easily. I kept stopping and losing my sense of rhythm and rhyme because of the full stops you chose to use.

I liked some of the rhymes you used; they weren't utterly predictable, as too many rhyming poems are, so don't lose that sense of flow that you set up so nicely by using them.

Thanks for the read!

Ari