Two hearts Apart (Part 2)

Recalling

Afternoon. Summer break. It was hot and boring. No one will ever live in this creepy looking house. Unless this was just a hallucination for a party-glam like Zhayanne. Gentle winds blow down to her ears as she started looking at whole place. Some strands of her long black hair swayed.

Her parents especially her mom with her aunt planned this ‘engrande’ for them. As if they will love that idea. But here it is, she was trapped with this entire scheme and jammed to be with her not so good cousins. “Brilliant!” her mind added. Vacation and my cousins are the two words you cannot combine!

“Zhy my dear, unpacked your things before surveying the house” her Auntie Meg told her. “I bet you and your cousins will like this old house. And I’m sorry, I recognize you guys were upset because you thought you’re stuck with this eerie house and missed the chance to be in Palawan, but please try to be fond of this place we love.” Her auntie was like begging for an impossible thing to her especially with her cousins.

“Hmm. Aunt Meg, you can’t blame us. Palawan was one of the best tourist spot in our country and most of the people wants to stay there to feel the relaxing aroma of the beach-- but staying here will most likely be nice enough than burning my soft skin right?” I said it with a smile to lighten up my auntie’s woe. My mother always tells me that my smile is full of hope and promises. At first I thought my mother was just saying that to please me. But as years goes by, I used it as an advantage for some instances.

Soon Aunt Meg smiled. See? I was good at this subject like an expert. Making people around happy or acting like she was happy. “So be it Zhayanne. Enjoy. You just agree with the idea of staying there huh? Nice for you. If it was really nice.” her mind was out crying those words as if being sarcastic to her own master. “Damn.” She whispered.

It was past six in the evening. Lavish supper has just ended. I can’t sleep, maybe because I was not used to sleeping this early. “For crying out loud it was just 7pm! Worse than I imagine.”

So the next thing I jumped out my bed and start evaluating the house. There were four rooms in the second floor, one room has a single bed and bathroom which I was using, the next area was a huge master’s bedroom it was Aunt Meg’s and her daughter’s room, after that room was as gigantic as the master’s bedroom but the distinction was, the next room has two double deck beds (where her nasty cousins build their territory)

But the last span caught my eyes. It has a full-size brown flap with carved flowers and butterflies in it. Earlier I asked Aunt Meg what holds this room. She just smiled at me and said “Memories.” I at a snail pace hold the knob and mutely unlock the room. But as I opened the room my eyes was swiftly filled with glee when tons of books came out. Tada! The mysterious room she has been wondering was a palace! It was a library with lots of novels, poems, articles and imaginary tales!

“This- is- life!” My heart uncontrollably shouted. And as the echoes filled the room I suddenly hold her mouth. “Oops.” I tip-toed and look at every shelf. And fall in love more as I find romantic novels at the room. “Wow! Nicholas Sparks’ stories!” I hurriedly walk but I stepped on something. A cat. A jet black fury cat with yellow eyes. I sat down. “I’m sorry.”

The cat was so adorable. I suddenly want to touch and feel his fur. But as I raised my hand the cat jumped and ran fast. “Hey!” I chased him but he’s too fast. Now he’s gone.

I was about to sit on the nearest chair when I noticed a small door across the room. The details of the door were like the huge entry in this room. The small entry seems like it was a miniature. Curiosity filled my head. So I walked there and opened the door. I crawled.

“Urgh! Dirt!” I said with an irritating voice. But ‘astonished’ was the term to use as I look around. Yes I was totally amazed. I was awestruck with the sight the little door holds. Small lights from the whole town crammed the night while tiny stars lights up the dark sky.

I was standing at a small terrace on the left wing of the house. People will not see it even at morning because of the huge mango trees at the front yard. I spread my arms and continuously breathe the sweet scent of the night’s atmosphere.

“Do you need someone to be your Jack?” a male voice came over. I froze. “Who are you?” I asked without looking backward. My heart keeps thudding. I can even hear the loud sound. “I said who you are!” I shouted to lessen my fear.

“I’m BJ seorita.” He said. Spanish accent was obvious in his voice. I suddenly feel an urge to look at him. “I don’t know you’re name seorita.” He added.

“I’m ZC.” I answered. Surely, I can’t confess my name to a stranger my mind thought. I barely know him. But I was dazed when I heard a soft chuckle. “Why are you laughing at me?” I hissed.

“You’re something ‘ZC’, I gave you my nickname and you gave me you’re initials.” Now I realized his voice was a sweet melody to anyone’s ear. I wanted to turn around and see what his features were because his drop-dead gorgeous voice with a Spanish accent keeps me wondering what does this stranger looks like.

“Why don’t you look around?” He said as if he read my mind. I suddenly want to ask if he can read my mind. But I forgot that and unexpectedly awed when I saw a romantically dark guy in front of me. A guy whose facial appearance was like of those in magazines I’ve read. Without over stressing he is tall, dark and handsome. At first I thought he looks like a famous Italian model--Raffaelo Balzo, minus the fact that Balzo’s eyes were blue while this guy has charming black eyes. “Yeah, he could be a model.” My mind thought.

“My father is a Latin.” He said calmly. Again he answered the query I had in mind.

He walks closer and bends forward. His warm breathe touches my face. He was straightly looking at my eyes as if he was seeing every part of my being. I remembered a picture captured by my favorite artist. It was an image of the photographer’s eye entitled “The Window to a Soul”. I love it so much because the titled gave justice to the grandiose master piece. For the eyes were the windows to every person’s soul and nature. Now, my heart skipped a beat as he continuously staring at my face, as if he was remembering every detail of it.

What is happening to her?
I pushed him away. But he stood still and again stared at me.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” I unpleasantly jeered. He just smiled and answered. “Staring.” Oh! How I hated his answer. I know he was staring but why did he? My mind keeps fussing me with irritation but I know I will lose if I mislaid my temper. I gently pushed his left shoulder and asked. “Why are staring?”

“And why are you blushing?” He teasingly asked. I suddenly touch my cheeks. I know he was just avoiding my question. I was about to inquire him again when he spoke. “You’re Aunt Meg’s niece right? You’re Zhy if I’m not mistaking.” I raised my brows “Why? Does that bother you?”

He exhaled and said. “Yeah, a first it bothers me a lot. But after seeing you I change my mind.” I don’t know what he was talking about. So I gave him a ‘what the heck are you talking about-look’. He laughed at me. “Well, your Aunt asked me personally to entertain you and your ‘not-so-good’ cousins.” He supposed, stressing the description he used to my cousin. I laughed a real one actually.

Then silence hung in the air. Their eyes met. A hint of a smile hovering my lips. Perhaps, it was time to end their ridiculous bickering. He extends his arm. “Friends?” I took his hand and felt the current that ran on my veins. “Zhayanne Chelzy was my real name.” I told him. “Ten go mucho conocerle—oh! I mean pleasure to meet you.” He said.

“Are you always here?” I curiously asked him. He looked away and gazed at the sky. “Why? Will you come here if I do?” He posed smilingly. “Well, yeah if you’ll entertain me.” I respond. He chuckled. Then I glanced at him and saw how he winced. “For sure I will. For sure.”



That was the day I’ve met the person whom I thought could protect me but shattered my heart and broke into pieces…
He was the reason why I’m so sentimental. Memoirs with him were the only thing that doesn’t change. Yes, My secret memories with him…


(Paulo thank you for the advice)

Alright, so, you have a good beginning. You just need to watch your grammar and spelling

Her parents , especially her mom with her aunt ,planned this ‘engrande’ for them. As if they will love that idea. But here it is, she was trapped with this entire scheme and jammed to be with her not so good cousins. “Brilliant!” her mind added. Vacation and my cousins are the two words you cannot combine!

“Zhy, my dear, unpacked your things before surveying the house”, her Auntie Meg told her, “I bet you and your cousins will like this old house. And I’m sorry, I recognize you guys were upset because you thought you’re stuck with this eerie house and missed the chance to be in Palawan, but please try to be fond of this place we love.” Her auntie was ,like, begging for an impossible thing to her especially with her cousins.

You forget commas in places, as shown above.


Keep describing the situations to the reader for them to grasp and follow along as they read. Keep trying to play with their imaginations. Remember to Show, not Tell.

Good Luck
~WickedWonder

Hey again I wasn't sure about the scene thing so I went straight to part 2...

jenmarie wrote:Recalling

Afternoon. Summer break. It's hot and boring. No one will ever live in this creepy looking house, comma unless this is just a hallucination for a party-glam like Zhayanne. Gentle winds blow down to her ears as she started looking at whole place. Some strands of her long black hair swayed.

Her parents, comma especially her mom, comma with her aunt planned this ‘engrande’ for them, comma as if they will love that idea. But here it is, she's trapped with this entire scheme and jammed to be with her not so good cousins. “Brilliant!” her mind added. Vacation and my cousins are the two words you cannot combine!

“Zhy, comma my dear, unpacked your things before surveying the house” her Auntie Meg told her. “I bet you and your cousins will like this old house. And I’m sorry, I know you guys were upset because you thought you’re stuck with this eerie house and missed the chance to be in Palawan, but please try to be fond of this place we love.” Her auntie is like begging for an impossible thing from her, comma especially with her cousins. 'know' would probably fit better in there with what you're trying to say.

“Hmm. Aunt Meg, you can’t blame us. Palawan's one of the best tourist spot in our country and most of the people wants to stay there to feel the relaxing aroma of the beach-- but staying here will most likely be nice enough than burning my soft skin, comma right?” I said it with a smile to lighten up my auntie’s woe. My mother always tells me that my smile is full of hope and promises. At first I thought my mother was just saying that to please me. But as years goes by, I used it as an advantage for some instances.

You're dialogue is a bit awkward... I feel like you are trying to force information in it, information we don't necessarily need right at the moment. You can add more info as you go, adding things in conversations and in thoughts to place the reader in the story

Soon Aunt Meg smiled. See? I'm good at this subject, comma like an expert. Making people around happy or acting like she is happy. “So be it, comma Zhayanne. Enjoy. You just agree with the idea of staying there huh? Nice for you. If it was really nice.” her mind was out crying those words as if being sarcastic to her own master. “Damn, comma” She whispered.

It was past six in the evening. Lavish supper has just ended. I can’t sleep, maybe because I am not used to sleeping this early. “For crying out loud it was just 7pm! Worse than I imagine.” Did she say that out loud? If not, and this is just a thought, then it should only be in italic, without the quotation marks.

So the next thing I jumped out of bed and start evaluating the house. There are four rooms on You can't be in the floor, but you can be on it the second floor, one room has a single bed and bathroom which I am using, the next area is a huge master’s bedroom and is it was Aunt Meg's and her daughter’s room, after that room is as gigantic as the master’s bedroom but the distinction was, the next room has two double deck beds (where her nasty cousins build their territory)

But the last span caught my eyes. It has a full-size brown flap with carved flowers and butterflies in it. Earlier I asked Aunt Meg what held this room. She just smiled at me and said, comma “Memories.” I, comma at a snail pace, comma hold the knob and mutely unlock the room. But, comma as I opened the room, comma my eyes swiftly fill with glee when tons of books came out. Tada! The mysterious room I've been wondering about was a palace! It was a library with lots of novels, poems, articles and imaginary tales!

“This- is- life!” My heart uncontrollably shouts ed.And As the echoes filled the room, comma I suddenly hold her mouth. “Oops.” I tip-toed and look at every shelf, comma and fall in love more as I find romantic novels in the room. “Wow! Nicholas Sparks’ stories!” I hurriedly walk but I stepped on something. A cat. A jet black, comma fury cat with yellow eyes. I sit down. “I’m sorry.”

The cat is so adorable. I suddenly want to touch and feel his fur. But as I raised my hand, comma the cat jumps and runs fast. “Hey!” I chased him but he’s too fast. Now he’s gone.

I'm about to sit on the nearest chair when I noticed a small door across the room. The details of the door were like the huge entry in this room. The small entry seems like it was a miniature. Curiosity filled my head. So I walked there and opened the door. I crawled.

“Urgh! Dirt!” I say with an irritating voice. But ‘astonished’ is the term to use as I look around. Yes, comma I'm totally amazed. I'm awestruck with the sight the little door holds. Small lights from the whole town cramsed the night while tiny stars lights up the dark sky.

I'm standing at a small terrace on the left wing of the house. People will not see it even at morning because of the huge mango trees in the front yard. I spread my arms and continuously breathe the sweet scent of the night’s atmosphere.

“Do you need someone to be your Jack?” a male voice say came over. I freaze. “Who are you?” I asked without looking backward. My heart keeps thudding, comma and I can even hear the loud sound. “I said, who are you?” I shouted to lessen my fear. You mean, "who are you?"

“I’m BJ seorita.” He said. The Spanish accent is obvious in his voice. I suddenly feel an urge to look at him. “I don’t know your name seorita.” He added. It is her name, therefore it should be "your"

“I’m ZC.” I answered. Surely, I can’t confess my name to a stranger. I barely know him, comma but I was dazed when I heard a soft chuckle. “Why are you laughing at me?” I hissed. Thoughts should be in italic... and try not to start too much sentences with "but", use commas instead when the subjects are related.

“You’re something, comma ‘ZC’, I gave you my nickname and you gave me your initials.” Now I realized his voice is a sweet melody to anyone’s ear. I wanted to turn around and see what his features were because his drop-dead gorgeous voice with a Spanish accent keeps me wondering what does this stranger looks like.

“Why don’t you look around?” He say as if he read my mind. I suddenly want to ask if he can read my mind. But I forgot that and unexpectedly awed when I see a romantically dark guy in front of me. romantically dark? I'm not sure this is the right wording... try romantically-looking dark boy maybe A guy whose facial appearance is like of those in magazines I’ve read. Without over stressing he is tall, dark and handsome. At first I think he looks like a famous Italian model--Raffaelo Balzo, minus the fact that Balzo’s eyes were blue while this guy has charming black eyes. Yeah, he could be a model, I think A mind cannot think on its own, it's the person that thinks.

“My father is a Latin, comma” He says calmly. Again he answered the query I had in mind.

He walks closer and bends forward. His warm breathe touches my face. He's straightly looking at my eyes as if he's seeing every part of my being. I remembered a picture captured by my favorite artist. It's an image of the photographer’s eye entitled “The Window to a Soul”. I love it so much because the titled gives justice to the grandiose masterpiece, comma for the eyes are the windows to every person’s soul and nature. Now, my heart skips a beat as he continuously stares at my face, as if he's memorizing every detail of it. I'll stop correcting the verb tenses here because this is getting quite long... I suggest you go over and revise all of it to catch the last ones.

What is happening to her? Who?
I pushed him away. But he stood still and again stared at me.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” I unpleasantly jeered. He just smiled and answered. “Staring.” Oh! How I hated his answer. I know he was staring but why did he? My mind keeps fussing me with irritation but I know I will lose if I mislaid my temper. I gently pushed his left shoulder and asked. “Why are you staring?”

“And why are you blushing?” He teasingly asked. I suddenly touch my cheeks. I know he was just avoiding my question. I was about to inquire him again when he spoke. “You’re Aunt Meg’s niece right? You’re Zhy if I’m not mistaken.” I raised my brows “Why? Does that bother you?”

He exhaled and said, comma “Yeah, a first it bothers me a lot. But after seeing you I change my mind.” I don’t know what he was talking about. So I gave him a what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about look. He laughed at me. “Well, your Aunt asked me personally to entertain you and your ‘not-so-good’ cousins, comma” he supposed, stressing the description he used to my cousin. I laughed a real one, comma actually.

Then silence hung in the air. Their Our? eyes met. A hint of a smile hovering my lips. Perhaps, it was time to end our? ridiculous bickering. He extends his arm. “Friends?” I took his hand and felt the current that ran in my veins. “Zhayanne Chelzy was my real name.” I told him. “Ten go mucho conocerle—oh! I mean pleasure to meet you.” He said.

“Are you always here?” I curiously asked him. He looked away and gazed at the sky. “Why? Will you come here if I do?” He posed smilingly. “Well, yeah if you’ll entertain me.” I respond. He chuckled. Then I glanced at him and saw how he winced. “For sure I will. For sure.”



That was the day I’ve met the person whom I thought could protect me but shattered my heart and broke it into pieces…
He was the reason why I’m so sentimental. Memoirs with him were the only thing that doesn’t change. Yes, My secret memories with him…


(Paulo thank you for the advice)

Alright, nice part 2 the only thing here is that sometime you seem to change the narrator and say 'she' instead of 'me'... it this because there's another narrator? If so, then mark it. If not, then these parts should be changed so it is always in the first POV.

Keep writing!

Truth