Spider

I weave characters by day
Spin plot lines at night
I form a web of deceit, masked in letters
Ink is my thread
Paper is my foundation
I ensnare readers in my creation
Slowly I lay out traps
Tugging the strings
Wrapping readers in sticky falsehoods
I inject anesthetic thoughts
Intoxicating eyes with interlaced ropes of words
Lulling my prey into false reality
Building walls of ink-laden text
Welcome in with beauty
Envelope with dark, clinging lies

--
Makes us sound not too nice, doesn't it? A big thanks to everyone who may have reviewed the first version of this poem. I liked the ellipses when it was shorter, but you were correct that when the poem got longer, the ellipses 'ate.. my... soul...' A great round of applause for all of your. *bows gratefully*

Be aware that I haven't read the first version, so apologies if I repeat anything that was discussed there. Definitely has a lot of potential, and the theme is great--I picture Shelob with glasses and a quill...

Slowly I lay out traps

This line immediately jumped out at me- it seems a little awkward. Perhaps it is because "lay out" isn't what would be my first choice of phrases to describe setting traps. Maybe "set", or "place" would work better?

"Slowly I set the traps"

I also think that it the "trap" might be more effective if it was directed at the reader, rather than readers in general.

I ensnare readers in my creation...Wrapping readers in sticky falsehoods

-could change to-

"I ensnare you in my creation...wrapping you in sticky falsehoods"

There are also a few lines where the word choice/proliferation is a little overwhelming when compared with the more straightforward lines - cp.

Intoxicating eyes with interlaced ropes of words

with

Ink is my thread

I'm all for variety, but in this case the bloom of adjectives have trickily knotted the text in entwining snares of obfuscating descriptive clarity.

Good luck! -Loved this line by the way,

Building walls of ink-laden text

Oh, this is written better.


I'm glad the ellipses are gone, but you still need punctuation! Don't neglect that punctuation is proper grammar. This might help you: Poetry & Punctuation. [Sorry if I already gave this link to you! I do not remember.]

Lulling my prey into false reality
Building walls of ink-laden text
Welcome in with beauty
Envelope with dark, clinging lies

I didn't like this part because you were just starting with verbs and explaining what a writer does--again. Why not explain what a write does once, in the best way you possibly can, instead of multiple ways? This part was just kind of confusing, because like I said, you just start with verbs. I know what you are saying but it seems so disorganized.

Also, I think you should consider changing the title. If I remember the first draft had imagery with webs, and so spider doesn't make much sense anymore. Which brings up another point: where is the imagery? Think: touch, taste, smell, hear, see. See is the least important, that is all we thing about. But what does writing smell like? What does it taste like, sound like? Is it rough or smooth? Does it smell like a burning fire, or like popcorn?

I really liked this! Excellent use of metaphors. ^_^ I can see how writing and spiders relate based on your descriptions, which, in other words, means well done! Loved your flow, content, and all. Keep it up!

~*Syd*~

It's about time I reviewed something of yours, Gryphon!

Murmph...it seems that everyone has covered it...but maybe I'll just review it as a first-time reader, and forgive me for repeating what's already been said if I do?

I weave characters by day
Spin plot lines at night
I form a web of deceit, masked in letters
Ink is my thread
Paper is my foundation
I ensnare readers in my creation
Slowly I lay out traps
Tugging the strings
Wrapping readers in sticky falsehoods
I inject anesthetic thoughts
Intoxicating eyes with interlaced ropes of words
Lulling my prey into false reality
Building walls of ink-laden text
Welcome in with beauty
Envelope with dark, clinging lies

Firstly, let me say that I love this. The metaphors are awesome, and the spider=writer idea is really neat.

However, I think you made us (the writers) seem almost...too mean. Especially the line, 'Envelope with dark, clinging lies'. Why lies? Unless you're talking about horror/mystery writers in general, I don't see how this fits.
Maybe you should mention something like this: how the spider/writer lures the reader in, trapping them in ecstasy/the euphoria of reading an interesting story, all the while weaving ropes of words and such around them.

Oh dear. I didn't explain myself very well there, did I? Please PM me if you don't understand.

Also, I think this needs more imagery. I mean, you have some beautiful - albeit a little dark - descriptions here, but I think you should use more of the five senses. Maybe describe how ink and paper smells, how the odour also lures the reader farther into the web of the story. You know? Describe the comforting rustle of pages.

I'll end this on a complimentary note:
Great poem here. I really liked it not only because of the metaphors and the theme, but because you actually...reflected the idea of the poem back at me. I felt like you were weaving this around me as I read, if that makes any sense. As if the spider was at work, building inky palisades around my mind.

Keep up the good work!

- Camille

sorry, i don't have time to post edits right now (i'll do it later), but i'd just like to say i though it was really good!

i loved it but it gives me chill bumps (and the creeps)! i hate spider ...i ahve a severe case of arachniphobia!! but it was really great!

Well, I just seriously read through this as an editor, and except for a bit of punctuation that others have noticed I really liked it. Your wording was great, and (as many before me have said) I really liked the Spider/Writer bit. But I did think that maybe should should change the title.

It's a great poem, and the subject is just awesome.

I don't have any new edits.

Keep writing!!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator

Hey, just to give you a heads up, I haven't read the first version of this one.

But, even though I didn't read the other one, I really liked this. It made us sound so sneaky and deceitful. Yet, it's true that we snare people with our words of wonder!

My only advise is that you keep on writing!

The flow of it was a tad choppy for me, but I liked it very much as it went on because; one, I LOVE writing, two, I love creepy analogies like that.

Bravo

I love the metaphors you've used. I haven't read the first version of this and I'm sure that someone has already said that the metaphors are beautiful. I can't really fault it. You haven't used much punctuation but then you use more of it than I do so picking on that would be hypocritical of me. The rhythm is possibly a bit off in places but otherwise I really enjoyed reading it.

This is a very well written poem. Good metaphors, great imagery. My only complaint is that you make a writer sound like a bad guy, the reader like a gullible fool. Reading, and writing (in my opinion) isn't like that. It takes you to a fantasy world, where the writer is your knowledgeable guide and you trust them to take you through the world to the very end. I don't know, I just don't like the 'overall' meaning behind the poem.

To each his own, I guess. Anyway, good reviewing you. Kudos.

I really like this poem. It makes Writing almost magical. Maybe it's because I'm a dark person, but the imagery was awesome!!! Thanks for putting up a Fantastic poem!!!