A Growing Catastrophe

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Prolouge

“Haven’t I seen you before?” the stranger asks me, leaning against the bar.

“No… not that I remember.” He was a charming man, I do admit.

“No… I know I’ve seen you somewhere. What is your name?”

“Pascale.”

“Hm… how old are you, exactly?”

“Twenty-eight.”

“Wow, I’m twenty-nine. You look so much younger.”

“At my age, I’m not sure it’s a good thing.”

He laughed. “So, I’m Oliver,” he replied. I shook his hand- For once, this boy seemed like he wasn’t trying to pick me up.

“Nice to meet you.”

“So, do you want some wine, or beer? It’s on me.”

Normally, I wouldn’t drink when I came out to the bar, since I had to drive. But Casey was here, and I knew she was strictly sober. I could always rely of her to drive me back.

“Just one glass of wine.” I replied. I probably wouldn’t even get tipsy on one glass of wine. A devilish look appeared in his eyes as he ordered two glasses of their best wine.

One glass turned into two. Two into three. Three into a slightly drunk Pascale. And a drunk Pascale dosen’t do smart things.


Ch.1

“Pascale. Pascale, silly, wake up.” An arm hits me in the back. I turn over with a groan.

“Not yet, Oliver… please, not yet.”

He sighed. “Well, I guess I could always make you.”

“Please.” I moaned.

“No. Come on, doctor today!”
I sighed. It was my… hmm, carry the two… two-hundredth or so appointment to the Dr. Mason in nine months. I had to go around every three days, soothing my growing catastrophe known as Noah.

“Come on.” Oliver insisted, a bit more demanding.
Stretching, I pushed myself up on the bed. My fiancée stood in the corner of the room, with a forced smile. He had tried on several occasions to damn himself for the beast he made me deal with.

“I can get dressed on my own.” I told him, staring at his light blue, icy eyes.

“Remember what Dr. Mason had said- as little movement as possible.”

“Yes, but I doubt he said I can’t even get my own clothes.” But Oliver had already begun across the master-bedroom,
towards the walk-in closet. “You’re unbelievable.”

“No, you’re just incapable of moving, and it’s my entire fault you’re like this.”

“No, we were both a bit tipsy. It’s as much my fault as yours.” I replied. He sighed.

“You say that to soothe me.” He replied, plopping the clothes onto my bed. Under the covers, I began to slip on my baggy pants.

“Do you think I would lie to you?” I demanded.

“No. I think you might exaggerate for my sake.” He replied.

“You’re unbelievable.”

“No, you are. You’re the most amazing woman-thing that has ever walked this earth- and don’t you forget that.”
Oliver could always make us both feel better after each of our petty arguments.

“Now, doctor time.” He replied as I dragged on the loose shirt.

With his help, I slowly got up. Every inch of movement burnt like fire through my abdomen. “Shhhhh! Stop hurting!” I hissed in a low voice. Oliver couldn’t hear me, thank goodness- he’s completely convinced this is all his fault. But it’s not; you need kerosene to catch fire to twigs, right?

“Easy there, Pascale.” Oliver said as I used his head for leverage. His blond, soft, fuzzy hair felt comforting between my fingers. “Let your wings out.”

Now, you might think he was speaking metaphorically, but in this case, he was completely literal.
My startling white wings tore through the shirt. As they sprouted, a shining golden halo appeared as well.

“My, oh my, my beautiful Easter angel.” He said as I took his arm to help me totter towards the door of my master suite. I laughed.

“Beautiful? In your eyes, I’m a Sin.” I replied.

“True, I know we are supposed to despise each other, but…” He began, before beginning to laugh. Did I have to begin on how he struck me like lightning when I first saw him? How, in human form, we had spotted each other at a party and got a bit… carried away? How beautiful he was, when he was not a demon?

“Ow!” I exclaimed as I tripped. Immediately, Oliver stopped laughing and grabbed me. He glanced at me with a concerned look.

“We can call Dr. Mason here. He would understand, and come as soon as possible. There are a lot of doctors that could fill in for him.”

“No… no, I’ve got it- ooph!” I replied as clumsily, I stumbled again. Before I could snap my fingers, I was in his arms, begin carried back to the bed. Each step was painful, but not as bad as Noah’s kicks and strangles to get out, into our cold, hostile world.

“I’m calling. Noah’s never bothered you much… I’m seriously confused as to what this baby is.” He explained. An Angel-Demon hybrid was never created before. There wasn’t telling what side it would lean- Heaven of Hell. Maybe somewhere in between…

I didn’t feel like fighting, not now. I was too… just too tired. I was barely conscious of Oliver hectically calling someone. All I could feel was Noah, struggling to be free, and tiredness. I barely even noticed Dr.Mason walking through the door, to see a very hazy Pascale and a worried Oliver.

“I don’t know what’s wrong.” Oliver explained. “She’s just hurting. It’s been so long sine she’s hurt from Noah’s struggles, but-”

“Shhhh. It’s Noah, telling us he wants out.” Dr. Mason explained. I knew he was not completely sure, but I also knew that
Dr. Mason, the elf-doctor, would know that a fretful bystander was not helpful.

“It hasn’t been long enough, has it?”

“Calm down. I’ll examine her at once.” He replied. Dr. Mason, one of my most trusted friends, began to probe about my stomach. For some reason, it had never swelled past the size of a pie-tin.
I felt like screaming,it hurt so bad. And I’m not easily hurt, either.

“I need you to squeeze my fingers if it hurts, alright, Pascale?” He asked, giving me two fingers. I clutched them in response.

He gently pushed around my ribs. I gave him the slightest squeeze. Then he probed a few inches below that, and I squeezed harder. It got to the point where even his fingers were breaking when he go to my stomach.
Some words came from his mouth that I couldn’t understand- not one bit. All I could see was Oliver’s mouth open in protest, then close as his nodded slowly. Then, blackness.

&*&*&*&*&*&**&*&*(Insert fancy design here)&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& *&*&*
“Pascale.” A voice urged. “Pascale. Pascale.” My small eyelids fluttered open as Dr.Mason pushed my fair, light brown hair back.

“Noah... didn’t make it.” Oliver said in a sad voice.


Love it? Hate it? Tell me, please. Oh yea, and keep reading! Things aren't what they seem right now!
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Hey,
This is interesting. I don't really know what to say other than good job with the description. I was going to just check the website for any review requests or anything and I see "Demon+Angel=???? Child. I had to read it. I like the characters so far. The whole caring demon thing is a little weird, but that's a good thing.
To the nitpicks!!!

I shook his hand- For once, this boy seemed like he wasn’t trying to pick me up.
Really? It didn't? Are you going for some innocent vibe here, or what?

“Pascale. Pascale, silly, wake up.” An arm hits me in the back. I turn over with a groan.
You change into present tense here.

He had tried on several occasions to damn himself for the beast he made me deal with.
Since we are dealing with demons and angels, I'm not sure if damning himself is literal or not. Basically, did he try to send himself back to the bowels of hell or something?

“No, you are. You’re the most amazing woman-thing that has ever walked this earth- and don’t you forget that.”
Oliver could always make us both feel better after each of our petty arguments.
I love this guy. I love how he's a demon and he cares about her. I can't get over it.

“Beautiful? In your eyes, I’m a Sin.” I replied.
Again, I'm not sure what you mean by that. Maybe, go into a very brief explanation. Like why is sin capitalized? You do a pretty good job here with Oliver's dialouge after this though.

I was in his arms, begin carried back to the bed.
Being

Each step was painful, but not as bad as Noah’s kicks and strangles to get out, into our cold, hostile world.
Strangles is an odd word here. Do you mean struggles?

I barely even noticed Dr.Mason walking through the door, to see a very hazy Pascale and a worried Oliver.
You switch POV's here. It worked in the prologue but not here.

It got to the point where even his fingers were breaking when he go to my stomach.
I don't know what the last half of this sentence is saying.

“Noah... didn’t make it.” Oliver said in a sad voice.
Aww. But he would still... be a demon-angel thing since the afterlife... Okay, waiting for next chapter.


So, very good. I promise, no more raving over Oliver. I think it's a surprisingly unique idea. Great sort of cliff hanger. It was a cliff hanger for me though it's not really. Anyway, good job.
If you need a review on chapter two, just ask,
Megs
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Phoenix lands for a review

Writing:Okay, the major problem of this piece is what is known as "The talking head" This is when little desciption is given and thus you have no frame of where the character is, what they are doing, how they are doing it. Without this information the reader is forced to randomly make up stuff or simply see talking heads. Even in script writing actions are documented, but I see very little description or action and it is simply people talking. I see grey blobs with mouths just talking.

Look over you point of view. For the most parrt it is simply first person, but there is a pint where it is second. I can see where you might be going with such a insert, but it is too informal.

Plot:Things happen way too fast. First chapter should not be that far into the story. When I read it I felt like I had been dropped into the middle of a pool, I say pool because it lacks the intesity to be a ocean. My point is, you need to develop the plot, you seemed to have skipped over the "boring parts" and gone straight to this, which will throw the readers off guard because it is just too sudden.

Characters: These seem to bee partially well defined. Most of what they did was speak and one would assume that would warrant major character development, but I'm not sure. None of the characters stood out to me. I think that is mainly because the lack of description and action.

Phoenix bursts into flames
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




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hey hey :)

ok i liked your idea :) sort of fantasy version of interracial love, but the angel/demon factor makes it that much more interesting.
I think it has a lot of potential but, like the review before me, watch for going to quickly. It could be a full fledged story, and I think for this to have been effective, we would've needed some insight into the characters, maybe the hardships they've faced, or will face.
keep writing :)
"Dad, I'm hungry."
Hello hungry!
"Dad! I'm serious."
I thought you were hungry?
"Are you kidding me?"
No. I'm dad.




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Thank you for the reviews, everyone!
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Awesome, I love it!
An angel and a demon, how did you think of those two together!? Well done!
Still I saw a little mistake:
I felt like screaming,it hurt so bad.

You should put a space between the comma and it.
also:
&*&*&*&*&*&**&*&*(Insert fancy design here)&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& *&*&*
“Pascale.” A voice urged.

I would put a space in between those two 'sentences' too, I think then it looks a little easier to read.
Further I didn't really see much mistakes (I'm not really good at grammar :S).
I really liked the story, and I hope you'll continue as fast as possible! ;)
Well done, and keep up the good work!
Living on the edge of sanity




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Woah. That was really awesome, and the bombshell of an ending really caught me off guard but it seemed like it suited the plot extremely well. Other than a few spelling errors or just mixing up of words (which if you check my stories I have a ton of) there isn't much I can tell you to make it any better. I really like this and can't wait for any second chapters etc. :)

(This was the only mistake that really caught my eye as to make the sentence better) There wasn’t telling what side it would lean- Heaven of Hell.
It should be Heaven *or* Hell.
Please keep writing! :)
'Evil exists in all of us Torak. Some fight it. Some feed it. That is how it has always been.'

"There is always a choice," said Torak, and he backed off the cliff.




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Wow...I really liked it!
I don't think I like Oliver very much, but it could just be the impression of getting Pascale drunk...but yeah, you've got a pretty amazing story right here :)
It's got a bit too much dialogue, but it's still just as entertaining, so no worries :P




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WOw. Nice surprise ending there. That really threw me for a loop. Please post the next bit soon, so I can read! I really like this so far, very interesting. Great job and please keep writing!
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf



The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec