bloated bites

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Points 719
Reviews 562
There is a pattern to my word
like the quick bone sew of
an old mother's spry fingers,
a silent diction that has letters from only
one alphabet, only one tongue
speaking at a time but I choke on it all the same;
there is the chew of larvae
ant eggs? fish? in
this stagnant water, where
mosquitoes breed into bites and itchy skin
and pale blush of cold mud smeared
like paint, like we paint ourselves in an attempt to
quell summer's little bite.

their buzz is the reason I cannot sleep;
it was the heat at first, legs caught in
swelter and a desperate glance at the moon,
cool and smooth--

and then it was stress,
swollen belly and bloated limbs,
the spider scrawl of jutting bones and my brother
is so young, so young, so hungry
and mother has lines on her face like the whisps of
a bird's talon, quick cropped lines of dead grass,
she is beautiful, but she is tired
and I cannot walk to her mother, to my brother, to the well
and the quick beat of a nighttime without breaking and
burning and bleeding myself; I am still too soft,
the rocks under my shoulders remind me
when I roll from my bed and they cut my arms--

but really, it's the mosquitoes.
it's chapped, dyselxic hands that swat at
dusty whines and then flick into curses, graveyards
and there is malaria in our little village now,
something that they say makes you sweat
enough water for a whole family to drink,
something that leaves you twitching and shaking,
dancing your way down into the dust and rites
and a solemn drum. I swat back sleep with the
back of my hand and shift
into the dusty whines that puncture my arms;
my words are tired. my eyes are closing.
I don't yet want to wake, nor sleep.

there is a pattern to my dreams
like the drums have been beat while I sleep;
I can taste the lick of the fire on my
dreameating tongue,
the sting of a bite on my skin.




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Points 3181
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Wow. I'm really surprised that I'm the first to review this, although it is a really difficult poem to interpret and therefore review. This is just so layered and deep that I don't even know where to start. I've said this a few times before to others, but I hope that you can appreciate that I have no criticizm for you whatsoever. I see nothing wrong with this poem, and I actually learn a lot by reading this. You made this so real, lifelike, and vivid while still blurry and lurid at other times. I apologize again if you were looking for someone to criticize, so you should keep up the excellent work.
-Alex
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 577
Reviews 198
This is quite a refreshing poem, on a subject I haven't seen in poetry before. First I'm going to get out of the way my nitpicks.

Fist of which is your lower-case style. The title, the first words of a sentence... they're all lower-cased. I don't understand what kind of effect you're trying to reach with this and instead it just looks sloppy to me.

Second is your use of the word "whine."

into the dusty whines that puncture my arms;


I'm having a hard time accepting the imagery you present in this line, attributing qualities such as dusty to "whines" and saying they puncture your arms. I feel like it's too much of a stretch to make any sense of this.

Lastly you need to fix a word's tense in the last stanza.

like the drums have been beat while I sleep;


It should read as "beaten."

Now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. The criticisms above are very small in comparison to this part. I really like your consistent tone. That is done really well in this poem. Another thing you did well was allure feelings of sympathy from me for the specific victims in the poem, but also think about the human condition on a larger scale as well. Your words and descriptions are very evocative and imaginative, while plainly keeping the poem real and raw. Overall great job, I love it. :)
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




User avatar
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Points 7386
Reviews 159
Persephoneia,

The poem loses everything in the beginning lines. You make this suddenly a situational jump into an experience that puts the reader far too much into a forced position of suddenly relating. You don't let the reader suddenly meet, or rather find themselves suddenly realizing they relate, instead your thrust imagery and bredth of design on them.

Yes, description and detail and the length of expansion you get into is nice, but the real connection you intend to create is dissolved, disarmed, and sedated almost. The angle you take is almost unconscious of being beyond catharsis, and really you writing exhibits an awareness of being beyond mere catharsis. The imagery is diverse, there is logical, interesting flow typically, wonderful.

But how long do you take to write? Because your introductions tell me not long enough, even if that means hours; I'll say it one more time, the beginnings of your poems need more power.
Last edited by MeanMrMustard on Fri Jul 01, 2011 6:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Female
Points 1407
Reviews 11
Hey there. This is over my head but I can still admire its beauty. You are a truly talented writer. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for but this reminded me of the Great Depression. It actually reminds me of a photograph we have in our house of a family from the dust bowl.

I too don't have much critism because you are way better than I am so I don't know if it would even be much help. I do think that 'whisp' is spelled 'wisp' but I could be wrong.

This was a painfully wonderful poem and very memorable. Amazing work.

And ... HAPPY REVIEW DAY : )
"Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die."



We're just all nosy little busybodies.
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