Private Moment

Spoiler

I've been working on some prose, so this wasn't what I was planning on posting next. In fact, I had no idea this would ever be written, but I thought "it has been a long time since I posted anything", and while I still have exams on I should post this spontaneous piece.

I'm acutely aware that this would be free verse, I'm no good at meter and rhyme you see?
(Although I haven't ever truly tried).

I wrote this in my garden last night; I woke up at about 1am, while I was supposed to be getting some rest for an exam I sat just a couple of hours ago. I haven't done any editing [EDIT:I have done some now, thanks for the feedback, I'm still willing to do more!], and I'm not totally sure what my thoughts were, so go ahead with critique

This is a very private moment.

I’ll let you in.
Out in the open I hear the water.
Hell, I can feel the water in the air.
It splashes on the rocks in the distance, but is rolling down my back.
As the silence creeps up my legs toward the joints,
there is nothing to do but let go from the top down.

It’s here that I come every night,
feeling the old phantom kiss of a cigarette that has not passed my lips in days.
I’m giving up now.
Smoking that is.

My thoughts and I are sat at the end of the garden,
surrounded by everything contained in the vast nothingness.
I see the sky in a second for what it is,
it cradles the minds of the world in a blanket,
protecting them from what they won't understand.

These minutes, and many like it, pass by daily, unrecorded and unmentioned.
Not because they are forgotten,
but because they are indescribably simple.

I can’t tell you how I feel at this moment,
but I can tell you how my chest shivers,
how my toes are being bitten by frost,
how my heart shudders in the cold,
how my breath forms coils before my face,
how with each passing second the water nearby resonates with my insides,
how everything seems to have together into some kind of sense.
But I cannot tell you how I feel.

It’s an odd thing to write.
To be a being of the moment,
existing really only in a single second at a time,
but to yearn to capture ideas and event for posterity once they have passed.
Really, I’m just rambling.

For what?
This is my moment,
my private speck of time and I don’t even understand it,
or why I’m capturing it.

Yet. It feels... adequate?
Logical?
Good?
Inspiring?
But at the same time,
none of these things.

I hope, dear reader, you can relate.
If so, I would hope it is a sign
that we are both human.
To belong to one group where we are all the same,
but take great pride in our differences, sounds great to me.

This is a very private moment.

I don’t understand it at all.


_____

I can agree with you that it needs some editing as it is a bit raw, but it wasn't as bad as you say it was. Force once someone used correct punctuation, and overall you did a decent job. I feel my best work comes when I just jot stuff down right before I go to bed, maybe that's the case with you, getting stuff out of your head so you don't forget it. I digress, good job! Keep Writing!

I really enjoyed this poem though it did not have a main idea or core (I think that was the point ) It defininitly contained emotions and feelings. I could really feel the person's thought and sense of..... I don't even know. But I could easily relate and connect this to all the millions of times I have those thoughts that are strange and almost out of this world.
I didn't notice any grammer errors except: "I see they sky in a second for what it is," You were probably meaning to say, "the sky." Other than that little thing I thought it was beautiful! Though it was raw I enjoyed the way it was written and it was very refreshing and new, thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hello there

Okay so, right now this poem seems a little all over the place - but by no means bad! You say you're not completely sure what your thoughts were, but maybe that's the point of the poem? If so, start from there, figure out what you're trying to say and then read over the poem and decide how good each line is at conveying that. It just feels too jumpy, even for a poem that's supposed to be disjointed.

I see they sky in a second for what it is,
yet truly fail to grasp anything of its enormity.
It cradles the minds of the world in a blanket.

Really, I’m just rambling.
I have little skill and little ability in showing you how this makes me feel right now.

For example here, try and connect what you write about the sky to why you are having difficulty showing how you feel. Try and give some sense of why it's important to how you are feeling in this moment, not necesarily in an obvious and direct way, but a little more than what you give us here. I know that the persona in this poem doesn't understand, but you need to draw that out, otherwise the reader wont understand that the persona doesn't understand... does that make sense? :S Like i said it doesn't have to be obvious and direct. Hmm.. now I'm having trouble explaining what I think haha.

(I'm sorry I'm not really a poet myself, so what I'm writing might not really make much sense and I can't give you any suggestion of what I would do )

I get the feeling that a lot of the stanzas should be seperated. For example..

It’s here that I come every night,
feeling the old phantom kiss of a cigarette that has not passed my lips in days.
I’m giving up now.
Smoking that is.

My thoughts and I are sat at the end of the garden,
surrounded by nothing but everything.
I see they sky in a second for what it is,
yet truly fail to grasp anything of its enormity.
It cradles the minds of the world in a blanket.

Really, I’m just rambling.
I have little skill and little ability in showing you how this makes me feel right now.

These minutes, and many like it, pass by daily, unrecorded and unmentioned.
Not because they are forgotten,
but because they are indescribably simple.

You're writing in free verse, so you can do this. The ideas which aren't connected I think become a little overwhelming to the reader when they are placed in the same stanza. I think it makes a little easier to read. It might also make it easier for you to edit?

My last observation would be that one or two lines feel a bit cliche..

Yet. It feels... adequate?
Logical?
Good?
Inspiring?
None or all of these things. None and all of these things.

My thoughts and I are sat at the end of the garden,
surrounded by nothing but everything.

Perhaps consider editing these, that they are cliche is just my personal opinion though, obviously

This being said, most of what you wrote, as independent descriptions and phrases, was lovely; really beautiful. I loved the way you described the water resonating with your insides.

I hope I helped a little bit Feel free to ask me about anything I've said which you don't understand.

-Cielo-

WT! I missed you so vera much! And FINALLY, I've very much craved your writing ever since God The Dealer, but anyway. =] I loved it. You have such a way with connecting with the reader and getting them involved with out saying 'hey everybody take a listen?' and completely ruining the moment. I'm not sure how you pull it off, but you do. Anyway, I'm very very happy with this piece, it's lovely =]