I don't know HELP

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jolene15
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Points 517
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:49 am
jolene15 says... · Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:49 am
Am I going against fate and destiny?
because I cant get you out of my mind,
after you broke my heart so many times,
you said you cared, but you just ignored me,
you said you loved me but you cheated,
and I believed you for the longest time,
until one day when I saw you walking down the street,
holding some other girls hand,
when I thought to myself, why do I have,
to fall for such a complete liar,
I have No answer besides I still love you :(
Last edited by jolene15 on Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
! Time to Write !
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creativemuse1
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:00 am
creativemuse1 says... · Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:00 am
jolene15 wrote:
you said you care/cared but, just ignored me,
you said you loved/love me but you cheated,


In my opinion, it doesn't seem right. I think you should put Cared and Loved. The "but just ignored me" part, put "but you just ignored me" or "but you ignored me"

But other than that, it is a good, heartfelt poem. I don't mean to pick at your poem. I make grammer mistakes, too.
:)Life is full of hard times and good times. Lift your chin up, Ladies and Gentlemen.
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jolene15
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:05 am
jolene15 says... · Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:05 am
Its okay thanks I will change that now
! Time to Write !
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sarebear
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:45 am
sarebear says... · Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:45 am
Hey there,

Nice work on this. The emotion in it is very evident. If you don't mind terribly, I will pick at your poem, as creativemuse put it.

Am I going against fate and destiny?
because I cant get you out of my mind,
after you broke my heart so many times,
you said you cared but you just ignored me,
you said you loved me but then you cheated,
and I believed you for the longest time,
until one day when I saw you walking down the street,
holding some other girl's hand,
when I thought to myself, Why do I have,
to fall for such a complete liar?
I have no answer besides I still love you


With those out of the way, this is a very cohesive poem that really sends a message. I like the way you end it. I also really like your use of direct thoughts in the poem. Nice work all around!

Sare
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.
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distantdreamer21
Gender Female
Points 1690
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:41 am
distantdreamer21 says... · Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:41 am
Hey! I agree with Sare, you have a very promising piece here, If you remove some of the grammatical errors.
Am I going against fate and destiny,
because I cant get you out of my mind, can't.
after you broke my heart so many times,
you said you cared but, just ignored me, I don't think the comma after but is necessary.
you said you loved me but you cheated,
and I believed you for the longest time, Maybe take out and?
until one day when I saw you walking down the street,
holding some other girls hand, girl's
when I think to myself, why do I have, no comma after have.
to fall for such a complete liar, question mark after liar.
I have No answer besides I still love you Don't capitalize No, period after you.


Great piece! Sadly, I can relate entirely :( Good thing is that heart-break such as this can inspire great pieces of writing!

-Dreamer
Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust :)
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