Don't Come To My Funeral

Removed as I want this account deleted.

oh! Very Strong sensation there!
i like the serenity you achieve with words to thrive the floe, even though the emotions is heavy!

My favourite line:
"They came to me that day,
Bowed heads and teary eyes.
But I saw the onions in their sleeves;
I didn't believe their lies.
Gloomy faces that they wore
Had no effect on me.
Crying and busy asking God
Why I had to leave."

keep up and update us with more

I really loved your work
One thing I would have done is break it up into more stanzas, like:

They came to me that day,
Bowed heads and teary eyes.
But I saw the onions in their sleeves;
I didn't believe their lies.

Gloomy faces that they wore
Had no effect on me.
Crying and busy asking God
Why I had to leave.

But that's just me

Kirahh

Wow, I absolutely loved this poem! It has a dark feel to it that I like. The story was unique, and when I started reading I was so surprised. I had no idea it was going to be like that. The flow and rhymning were both very good (:
My two favourite lines were:

They came to me that day,
Bowed heads and teary eyes.
But I saw the onions in their sleeves;
I didn't believe their lies.

And even though my eyes were closed,
I saw them smirk over my head.
And knew they came for a single reason;
To make sure I was really dead.

I also agree with Kirahh, that the peom would look better if it was broken up like that. Great peom

First off, your title is great. That's what drew me into this poem. Also, the idea was very interesting and even though it was about dying, you wrote it in such a way that I didn't feel dragged down. Good job on the emotional balance on this poem and keep up the great work!

Why hello again! So, I liked this. The title is catchy which is why I picked it out from your others and I wasn't disapointed by the poem that followed. It was good. Nice flow, some witty lines and I've not got too many comments for you:

They came to me that day,
Bowed heads and teary eyes.
But I saw the onions in their sleeves; <<<[Very good line and nicely emphasised by the rhyme of the two either side.]
I didn't believe their lies.
Gloomy faces that they wore [I'd suggest adding a the in before gloomy. The only reasons to take words out in poetry is where they're damaging the flow and that wouldn't. It would actually make it flow better.]
Had no effect on me.
Crying and busy asking God
Why I had to leave. [These last two lines aren't as strong as your others. The half rhyme is good, but the words are just too dramatic in an un-dramatic way? It's hard to explain what I mean. My first suggestion is to not have the fragmentation. It doesn't fit with the tone of the poem. Maybe instead something like:
'I saw behind their carnival masks
the smiles they wouldn't release.'
Except you'll want to make it rhyme and flow of course, but that's your job What I'm saying is try not to restrict your content for the sake of the rhyme and rhythm. It will make your lines sound forced.]

They spoke about me that day
For me and all to hear. [This line is too much filler. Fix please!]
Maybe others were convinced
But to me they weren't sincere.
And as they wailed their wails for me,
I felt so strange, so weird.
To hear them and to see them sob
Their phony crocodile tears. [Not a bad stanza, but not as strong as your first.]

Draped in black they came to me
And peered inside my chest.
Not to say goodbye at all,
But to check I'd really left. [Good line. Very nice half rhyme, they work much better than full ones as they're so subtle and yet so effective.]
And even though my eyes were closed,
I saw them smirk over my head.
And knew they came for a single reason;
To make sure I was really dead. [Good ending. Rounds the poem off nicely.]

Alright then so not much more to say other than that I love the tone of this, I think you're working with a great idea and I'm sure you'll have no problem cleaning it up just a little bit. Good luck!

Heather xxx

I'm a bit morbid so this interests me a lot more then it probably should. lol. But this was beautifully written, I loved how well everything just seemed to flow together. I loved this, it was absolutely wonderful. Anyways, lovely write and good luck on future writes.

Hey I really love your work!!! You did a great job!!! I love how you expressed yourself please what ever you do KEEP WRITING!!!!

Nice poem! It flowed with ease. It made me think, "Wow, if people went to a person's funeral just to make sure they really were dead, I can't imagine what that person did while they were alive."

Like others have said before me, it wouldn't hurt breaking it up into more stanzas to accentuate even more on the flow when reading it, but it was still amazing. Awesome job and keep it up!

This is a really great poem, depressing-ish, but great
I dont think i should be telling you how to write your
poems, its not right
YWS was made for people
so they could write their own stuff
and not have anyone tell them what to do
Don't let anyone get to you
Don't stop

I know I have already posted a comment but it is my favorite and I just can't stop reading it. KEEP WRITING!!!!!

Wow. What can I say? Thank you all so much for your constant positivity and suppoprt and encouragement. Before anything else, I write poetry for myself. Poetry is a channel through which I can express myself so I do it basically to satisfy my creative urges. So it's amazing to know that people like what I write. *drops tear*. Ever since I signed up on the YWS, I've been treated with so much kindness and hospitality.

Thank you KimKim10101, I'm glad you enjoy my work and I look forward to reading your work as well.
Thank you GagaforEverything for so bluntly telling me to do my thing. I appreciate your support and encouragement.
Thank you Justme for the constructive criticism, I'll try to change it but I can't for the life of me find out how to edit this darn post.
Thank you Heather and MyName for reading my work. I appreciate that lots. For more of my work and other things, please visit my blog http://www.mschanza.tumblr.com. Cheers

Nafe X

I like this. The way you paint a vivid picture using metaphors like onions on their sleeves and crocodile tears help portray the insincerity of those that have supposedly come to mourn you.

I quite liked this work, it was an interesting idea and you developed it nicely. I think the poem length was ideal for it's purpose, and you gave it a good title.

I felt so strange, so weird.

- The use of the word 'weird' here annoys me; I don't think it suits the tone of the poem as it feels a little too slangy.

Apart from that, not a bad poem, keep up the good work.