Lettin' Go

How can I . . .
tell you that I don't love you
like you
and never will again

Why don't I . . .
just lie down for a bit to
remember
what's left to forget

How could I . . .
even be so dense to think it anyway
to think you liked me
or ever will

perhaps you never will

I'm OK . . .
though you called me a
dirty whore
you deserve what you got
[dinner was served]
but not what you have

Goodnight memories
Wake up clear as crystal
Peachy keen
But will the world be ready
Will it be ready?
for my yesterday today?

Interesting. I'm not fond of the one-word lines: it isn't effective and you want your stanzas to taper down near the end. Why? It's visually appealing.

I think I saw some ideas in here that I've expressed before, but since I don't have the energy or the time to go find them...screw it.

The biggest problem here was impact. I can't even remember the second to last line. You want something that readers will remember; while this was fast and effective, it was not executed properly. Back up and start over.

Either way, pretty good stuff.

...tune in, turn on, and drop out...

I like the format, thats cool. It sounds a little bit like an evenesence song, but its still really good. The only thing that seams a little out of place was the peachy keen line. It breaks the mood a little bit, maybe, I dunno.

Intresting, Intresting, is this about Colton?

yeah
last of me sadness in here
now i can focus on the happy

(OMG did brad actually comment here?? praise the God)
did i jus say ME sadness??

some ideas are kinda fresh and interesting but i also found a few stanzas a bit trite. i think it would be a pretty good poem if they were all brought to the same level of sophistication. I also think the one word lines are taking away from the poem. I think if you instead allowed the three words to become one line it woudl be better. I tried reading it that way and thought it was an improvement.

I don't know how to explain what reaction this poem gave me, it was refreshing almost. I like the format very much. And the ending:

"Goodnight memories
Wake up clear as crystal
Peachy keen
But will the world be ready

Will it be ready?
for my yesterday today?"

I don't know why I like the ending so much but I do. This was a good poem. Different kind of format then i've read but good.

PEACHY KEEN...tehee...LIZ LAY OFF THE SUDAFED!

Things Sam Liked About This:

1. Unlike Brad, I really liked separating the 'I's. Very spiffy. Although, it did slow down the poem. I'd try to find a way to balance it out.

2. Loved the last two lines. But, again, with Brad, I didn't even notice them. Really combine lines and make the poem go faster up 'till the end, since it's very spiffy. You want to show it off.

3. Your icon. *drools* He's hot.

OK I edited this one.... FINALLY!
No more one worded lines
A new line with brackets... [] these things... []

And yeah, there I go, enjoy now world.

-Elizabeth

WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE CRITIQUE THIS?!

I like it, it's very strong. You express you emotions well.

I really liked this. Wish I could give something more constructive, but I'm pretty much incapable of that when it comes to poetry.

My favorite lines were:

Why don't I . . .
just lie down for a bit to
remember
what's left to forget

and

you deserve what you got
[dinner was served]
but not what you have

YAY! Thank you for commenting on this!
I am very proud of this.

Thank you.
I'd like to thank all the people I accidentally and purposefully stepped on to get here. YOu all mean so much to me! :teary eyed: :accepts my award: