Please Don't Go: Chapter one

"Helga!" I screamed.
"Look, Selena, we can get it ourselves." My friend, Anna said. Typical Anna. We were lying out by the pool on comfy lawn chairs. Anna stood up and pulled her puple cover-up on over her white bikini.
"Hershey, that's why I have Helga when you're rich and famous you can hire people to do stuff that you're too lazy to do." I said. I call Anna, Hershey, because her hair is the color of a Hershey chocolate bar and she's so sweet. Just then, Helga ran out, her silky, red ponyail flying out behind her.
"Yes, Miss Selena?" Helga asked politely.
"Two Dr Peppers, now!" And with that Helga ran off. I HATE when Helga calls me miss, it makes me feel old.
"Come on let's go swimming!"I said to Anna. I pulled off my hot pink cover-up revealing my black bikini. I ran towards the water and did a cannon ball that resulted in a monstrous splash. Anna ran full speed towards the water and did a pencil dive. "Nice dive, Hershey!" I said "race you to the bottom!" I said smiling.
"You're on!" she said. We raced towards the pool floor. She beat me. Anna's green eyes sparkled. All the sudden it started to get very dark. I looked straight up. The metal pool cover was closing! I took one look at Anna, and we were off. Her wavy hair was no longer in a braid and it soared out behind her. We got to the top and there was about an inch of air in between the metal pool cover and the water. All we could do is hope we didn't run out of air before someone found us. About two minutes later the world went black. Pitch black.

Sorry it's so short the second chapter will be longer.

Awesome! I like it so far and will keep reading. But everytime a new person talks it's sopossed to be a new paragrph, and the words in red are errors.

"Helga!" I screamed.
"Look, Selena, we can et it ourselves." My friend, Anna said. Typical Anna. We were lying out by the pool on comfy lawn chairs. Anna stood up and pooled her puple cover-up on over her white bikini.
"Hershey, that's why I have Helga." I said. I call Anna, Hershey, because her hair is the color of a Hershey chocolate bar and she's so sweet. Just then, Helga ran out, her silky, red ponyail flying out behind her.
"Yes, Miss Selena?" Helga asked politely.
"Two Dr Peppers, now!" And with that Helga ran off. I HATE when Helga calls me miss, it makes me feel old. "Come on let's go swimming!"I said to Anna. I pulled off my hot pink cover-up revealing my black bikini. I ran towards the water and did a cannon ball that resulted in a monstrous splash. Anna ran full speed towards the water and did a pencil dive. "Nice dive, Hershey!" I said "race you to the bottom!" I said smiling.
"You're on!" she said. We raced towards the pool floor. She beat me. Anna's green eyes sparkled. All the sudden it started to get very dark. I looked straight up. The metal pool cover was closing! I took one look at Anna, and we were off. Her wavy hair was no longer in a braid and it soared out behind her. We got to the top and there was about an inch of air in between the metal pool cover and the water. All we could do is hope we didn't run out of air before someone found us. About two minutes later the world went black. Pitch black.

It should look like that.
I like the story, it's a little confusing but maybe the second chapter will make more sense, and maybe you should add a little more details. I didn't get a whole lot of information about the charcters.
Keep Writing

There's not supposed to be a lot of details. I'm hinting on the characters as I go along.

This is a chapter? Really? Its not even a page long! A chapter should at least be 5 pages! At least and even then its too short....

This is like the beginning of the first half a page of the novel not a chapter.

Hello there,

I'm going to quote the whole thing so it's easier to correct.

sammay wrote:"Helga!" I screamed.
"Look, Selena, we can get it ourselves comma," My friend, Anna said. Typical Anna. We were lying out by the pool on comfy lawn chairs. Anna stood up and pulled her purple cover-up on over her white bikini.
*Space*
"Hershey, that's why I have Helga Period. When you're rich and famous comma, you can hire people to do stuff that you're too lazy to do comma," I said. I called Anna, Hershey, because her hair is the color of a Hershey chocolate bar and she's so sweet. Just then, Helga ran out, her silky, red ponytail flying out behind her.
*Space*
"Yes, Miss Selena?" Helga asked politely.
"Two Dr Peppers, now!" And with that Helga ran off. I HATED when Helga called me miss, it makes me feel old.
*Space*
"Come on comma, let's go swimming!"I said to Anna. I pulled off my hot pink cover-up comma, revealing my black bikini. I ran towards the water and did a cannon ball that resulted in a monstrous splash. Anna ran full speed towards the water and did a pencil dive. "Nice dive, Hershey!" I said Period. "Race you to the bottom!" I said comma, smiling.
*Space*
"You're on!" she said. We raced towards the pool floor. She beat me. Anna's green eyes sparkled. All the sudden it started to get very dark. I looked straight up. The metal pool cover was closing! I took one look at Anna, and we were off. Her wavy hair was no longer in a braid and it soared out behind her. We got to the top and there was about an inch of air in between the metal pool cover and the water. All we could do is hope we didn't run out of air before someone found us. About two minutes later the world went black. Pitch black.

I see you have problems with spacing. First off, when it's in a big paragraph like that with close to no spacing between your paragraphs, it's really discouraging for readers. So I spaces it out for you, you can see it's a lot easier to read.

Also, I see you don't really go into details so you don't give us a pile of information as soon as we began reading, and I like that. It's better to add details as you go then just pitch it all to the reader all at once and interrupt the flow of the story by doing that.

The thing that bothers me though is the flow of the story. You seem like you use a lot of periods instead of making longer sentences and using commas. The thing is, when you do that, you make the story feel angry. It doesn't seem fun and easy going like you want to. I would recommend you combine some of your sentences so it's easier for the eye.

We raced towards the pool floor. She beat me. Anna's green eyes sparkled.

For example, this bit could become something like this:
We raced towards the pool floor, Anna's hand touched it before mine and she turned to me, green eyes sparkling.
Instead of three sentences that seem rough, you have one long one who seems a little bit softer.

Keep writing!

-Other One

I loved it! I liked the cliffhanger!

Thanks *wink wink*