Valentine

Through the days and through the nights,
she dreams of him, her valentine.
Her heart beats once, her heart beats twice,
her heart will break when she doesnt see him tonight.

Through the days and through the nights,
he dreams of her, his valentine.
His heart beats once, his heart beats twice,
his heart has stopped as he commit's suicide.

Through the months and through the years,
she mourns his death and brings back those tears.
He watches from above lonely and cold,
catching her tears as he adds to the flood.

Hello there, Vampireacademyfreak3! [I love vampires too! :'D ]

Okay, Wow! You said an entire story of two lovebirds in 3 paragraphs! The flow of the poem was perfect. Just a few grammertical errors [ Red marks = the things that should be there]:

Through the days and through the nights ,
she dreams of him, her valentine.
Her heart beats once, her heart beats twice,
her heart will break when she doesn't see him tonight.

Something seems a little off about the last line in this paragraph when I read it again. Can't say what though.

Through the days and through the nights,
he dreams of her, his valentine.
His heart beats once, his heart beats twice,
his heart has stopped as he commites suicide.

Basically for the first and second paragraph, its the same mistakes.

The third paragraph was just perfect.
Thats basically it. Overall, this poem was the best I've seen so far. Please do write more and more poems.
I would love to hear more from you.

Cheers!
Justtrying

Through the days and through the nights,
she dreams of him, her valentine.
Her heart beats once, her heart beats twice,
her heart will break when she doesnt see him tonight.

I love how you started this poem and how you ended it.
Keep up the good work I'll be looking more into your work.

Hiya, I am working my way through a many poems on YWS as I can..must get top reviewer! MWAHAHAHA

OK, so first off, I loved the first stanza -

Through the days and through the nights,
she dreams of him, her valentine.
Her heart beats once, her heart beats twice,
her heart will break when she doesnt see him tonight.

I can see another reviewer has already pointed out the grammer mistakes, so I'll try to focus on other aspects. I like the repititions, and the idea is very good. However it did take me a little while to realise that you wrote "When I don't see him tonight" it meant that he was gone. Maybe you could make it clearer at that stage you meant he will never turn up.

Through the days and through the nights,
he dreams of her, his valentine.
His heart beats once, his heart beats twice,
his heart has stopped as he commites suicide.

Now, I reallt like the idea of repitition here, however what I don't like is the use of the word "Suicide" it's much to blunt and ruins the flow of the poem. I think it would sound better as

His heart beat once, his heart beats twice,
his heart beats no more, as he ends his life.

Or something similar. Sorry for being a meany, I just want to be honest so you can make it to it's full potential.

Through the months and through the years,
she mourns his death and brings back those tears.
He watches from above lonely and cold,
catching her tears as he adds to the flood.

OK, so on to the last stanza -

I love the first 2 lines, I dont think they need improving, however the last 2 lines don't flow too well. If you read over the last line, and maybe change the word "flood" to something else. As you haven't really mentioned a flood before, it sounds as though your mentioning it again.

Overall, I really enjoyed it, I know it looks like it needs a bit of improving but the idea and concept behind it is really clever.

Keep writing this one and maybe you could make it so it's a happy ending..maybe she could die too or something..so they are together. Or maybe you could play on a marriage thing and mention "'till death do us part"... LOL

HAYLEY
xx

Hello!

Alright, so, I felt that this was a very well constructed poem, and it definitely submerged me in the tone of the passages. As far as I saw, there were no typos or grammatical errors, which is very rare. However, I believe you spelled 'commits' wrong.

Down to the nitty-gritty, though. There were a couple places within the poem where rhythm was interrupted, and the flow would momentarily cease.

Through the days and through the nights,
she dreams of him, her valentine.
Her heart beats once, her heart beats twice,
her heart will break when she doesnt see him tonight.

The last line simply does not work with the flow of the poem, though I do like the overall concept. maybe you could consider changing the last line to "her will break when they don't meet tonight", though, personally, i would substitute "when" with "if".

Through the days and through the nights,
he dreams of her, his valentine.
His heart beats once, his heart beats twice,
his heart has stopped as he commites suicide.

I LOVE the repetition. It shows that the two people truly can't stop thinking of eachother. However, you have the same rhythm issue regarding the last line. I suggest trying "His heart stops as he slides home the knife". Same concept, same result, better rhythm.

Through the months and through the years,
she mourns his death and brings back those tears.
He watches from above lonely and cold,
catching her tears as he adds to the flood.

Now, regarding the last paragraph. I really like the first two lines. The second two? Hate 'em. You have the perfect idea, but that wording just doesn't work. Maybe a comma after "above"? I'm kind of stuck regarding those two, as far as what to think.

I hope this review helps, let me know if you need anything else!

your poem was good. it made me wanna cry even though to me crying is a sign of weakness. keep doing what you're doing. will you read a poem i posted? its narrative and its called nothing friendly, nothing pleasant.