Star Shine, Shine Bright.

I made the star extra bright,
Letting the glitter sparkle as though
It could be seen from space.

It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled;
it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I made it myself.

I wonder if you remember
How long it took me to make,
And how proud I was when you saw it
And smiled at me, as though I made light itself.

I can’t quite recall, now,
Whether you ever really saw my star,
Even though it clung to you
because I told it to.

It seemed transparent,
When you last looked at me, and it hid
Behind your eyes, trembling.

It knew before I did, that your light had faded,
And nothing was to be let through.
Because I made that star for you.

I don't think I've critted anything of yours, so I figure, I better start now.

This was a very sweet poem. I like the metaphor with the star: it's easy to imagine the brightness of the glitter fading. A couple of things:

PenguinAttack wrote:It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled
And it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I did make it myself.

The first line here, I think would be better with a colon at the end, because it's kind of a list of reasons why the star wasn't the "best". Then line three can end with either a period or a semi-colon (I would lean toward semi-colon because of the "But" at the beginning of line four.

It knew before I did, that your light had faded,
And nothing was to be let through.
Because I made that star for you.

I'm not really clear on this ending: the star knew before the speaker that "you" didn't really notice the beauty of the star, and that "you" don't really have an appreciation for beauty, because the speaker made the star for "you"? I'm either off in my understanding, or this needs to be developed more.

Other than that, great job! I really enjoyed this.

I made the star extra bright,
Letting the glitter shine as though
You could see it from space.

It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled
And it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I did make it myself.

You made little errors here but i will fix them... Well after "through" you need a period.

After "crinkled" you need a period.

Well that is all i seen wrong with it. Glad i could be of service to you. Good day.

SimonCowellLuver

This was a very sweet poem. I loved your picture with the star.
I've only little things to suggest. First, I don't think that I would capitalize every line like you did.
I'd put a comma after 'crinkled' in the second verse.

"Even though it clung to you
because I told it to."
I really love this lines, and the way they rhyme.

"It knew before I did, that your light had faded," Leave out the comma after 'did'

It was very good, cute and sweet and pretty. I really liked it!


*adna*

I like the simplicity and childish tone of this to some extent but I think it could be clearer in places. You have some god imagery, the use of the star is excellent and in general, it's well written. A few comments and suggestions -

I made the star extra bright, [I think you need another word here. Maybe 'I made the little star extra bright' would be better? That way it sort of suggests that she was compensating for the small size of the star and for the small size of the gift, trying to make it more than it was. And in a way, it might even sound as though she's compensating for her own inadequacy. I don't know if that's the sort of image you wanted to give but it felt that way to me...]
Letting the glitter shine [I think shine is a little weak. Maybe sparkle or twinkle or even something like ignite.] as though
You could see it from space. [I think this would be smoother if worded differently. Perhaps 'It could be seen from space.']

It wasn’t the best star, [I think a full stop would work well here.]
The corners curled and the paper crinkled [I think you should take the and away and replace it with a comma.]
And it felt like rough sandpaper, [I'd suggest a full stop here.]
But I did make it myself. [This would be more powerful if it wasn't quite so wordy. Something more simple like 'But I made it myself' or even just 'But I made it.' I'd actually quite like you to add another line too. I think this would look good as -

'But I made it.
For you.']

I wonder if you remember
How long it took me to make, [Maybe aim for a little more description here of how she made it, even cutting the shape out herself, not letting anyone help. How she hid it from him until it could be viewed in its full splendour.]
And how proud I was when you saw it
And smiled at me, as though I made light itself. [I love this line.]

I can’t quite recall, now,
Whether you ever really saw my star,
Even though it clung to you
because I told it to. [I'm not sure that I understand this part but the imagery and simplicity is nice.]

It seemed transparent,
When you last looked at me, and it hid
Behind your eyes, trembling. [Good choice of verb. trembling fits very well.]

It knew before I did, that your light had faded,
And nothing was to be let through.
Because I made that star for you. [I think I'm missing something of your intended meaning but the emotions and beauty are conveyed so well that it doesn't matter.]

This is lovely, Sarah. So well thought out and beautifully written.

PenguinAttack wrote:And how proud I was when you saw it
And smiled at me, as though I made light itself.

Favorite lines right there. ^_^ Lovely poem! Good imagery and cute tone. I think Heather pretty much covered everything else. Keep writing Pingu! *lick*

~Yoyo

Kitty's changes were good, it helped make the poem more powerful, but at the cost of basically changing the form and innocent purity of the original.

"It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled
And it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I did make it myself.

I wonder if you remember
How long it took me to make,
And how proud I was when you saw it
And smiled at me, as though I made light itself."

This is very childlike and gives the poem a sense of innocence and modesty, you don't necessarily need extra descriptive words, it changes the voice and that is one of the more subtle and beautiful parts of the poem.

So while the suggestions are good, they don't keep the same voice and simplicity. I prefer it the way it is now.

Thank you all so much!

I'm going to look at what I think I'll do with this, and work on is as much as I can. All of the comments you've made, and the suggestions are fantastic, thank you sooo much.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

PenguinAttack wrote:I made the star extra bright,
Letting the glitter sparkle as though
It could be seen from space.

It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled;
it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I did make it myself.

I wonder if you remember
How long it took me to make,
And how proud I was when you saw it
And smiled at me, as though I made light itself.

I can’t quite recall, now,
Whether you ever really saw my star,
Even though it clung to you
because I told it to.

It seemed transparent,
When you last looked at me, and it hid
Behind your eyes, trembling.

It knew before I did, that your light had faded,
And nothing was to be let through.
Because I made that star for you.

This is a really nice poem. I liked how you described the love of someone and how you said you made a star for them. Excellent, Penguin. I also liked how you made the person feel special through out it too. Making them look like the best in the world. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

You have a lot of critiques, so sorry if I repeat anything!

This was a wonderful poem. I really enjoyed it. It was just... so brilliantly crafted!

It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled;
it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I did make it myself.

Um, this stanza was probably the worst out of all of them. Nah, it wasn't bad, just not up to standards as the rest of them. Haha. Sorry. Ok, lets see what I can do to fix this thing. Huh. I think it's the last line that is hard to read. "But I did make it myself." I think that the 'did' is throwing me off. What if you turned it into:

But I made it myself

?

Wonderful poem! I really enjoyed the metaphor behind it. Really well crafted.

:Sythe:

I made the star extra bright,
Letting the glitter sparkle as though
It could be seen from space.
It wasn’t the best star,
The corners curled and the paper crinkled;
it felt like rough sandpaper,
But I made it myself.
I wonder if you remember
How long it took me to make,
And how proud I was when you saw it
And smiled at me, as though I made light itself.
I can’t quite recall, now,
Whether you ever really saw my star,
Even though it clung to you because I told it to.
It seemed transparent,
When you last looked at me, and it hid
Behind your eyes, trembling.
It knew before I did, that your light had faded,
And nothing was to be let through.
Because I made that star for you.



This is so sad! The word choice and descriptions are just right, and i pretty much loved the whole thing. I just have a few questions. Are you talking about a paper star? is it origami? Did a relitive die when you said "your light had faded, or was that just saying the person wasn't interested in the star. i love how you used real life star descriptions for the paper one. (assuming it was paper, of course) and over all, it was super good!