Untitled Song

Spoiler

This was made because it will be entered in a themed musical competition eventually and (given the fact that I've never written lyrics before) I understand that this needs work. A lot. Any feedback at all will be appreciated. If you hate it don't be afraid to tell me. I must say, though, at the current moment the rhythm works and I may decide to someday post the actually song...maybe...it'll be on piano. And does anyone have any title ideas?

VERSE 1
The look in your faces
Prying up against the glass
Tells me that we will never
Be equal to.

Our stories forever shall be unknown
As long as you remain deaf
To our voices crying out:
Save us.

CHORUS
None of this is our fault.
It’s all because of diversity.
Why are we treated this way?
Can’t you see that we’re all people?

VERSE 2
Heartless you are truly
When you see what tragedies
Fill our empty lives
With sorrow

For all you do is sit there
And let us suffer through
The wretched effects that your
Decisions created.

BRIDGE
All are wunderkinds in
Someway or another.
We all deserve to be
Felicitated.

You can’t understand
What we must. You’ve taken the whole of our
Lives and fed us scraps of
What remains.

CHORUS again.

My lyrics are a lot like this in a sense of speaking.
No rhyming.
But pretty otherwise.

It looks pretty good. I wish I could hear the tune, but it does seem like there's a rythym to it. You use alot of good description that makes it interesting, and not boring. Good job.

I like it. The way you have the line breaks throws me off somewhat while reading it, but as it is meant to be a song, it doesn't matter. Only one nitpick:

The look in your faces
Prying up against the glass
Tells me that we will never
Be equal to.

Equal to what? Wouldn't it be better if you took off that "to"?

Hi!

I really liked this.

It was really pretty.

~Shorty

I wonder if you're talking about God in this song. It was an okay song though

Wow. Such a heartfelt, touching song. Wish I could hear the tune. A few blips in the sense of rhythm, but since it is a song, I don't think it should matter, but I wish I could hear it just to be sure. Which thing did you say you entered or were going to enter this in?

I really liked this, and it is full of emotion!
It was different because sometimes it didn't rhyme, but that didn't matter at all, because of the beautiful sentences.
It is really good, I wish I could hear the tune too. ^^
Well done!

Hey Kwantack,
I liked this song.
You could call it "We're All People" or something like that.
Anyway, keep writing!

Really great song, I would like to actually hear it. Your really good with word choice. One thing that might make this stronger would be a bit of rhyming. I'm not saying rhyme every line, but every so often, it would give it greater fluency.

i really really ...really enjoyed reading this although i wish i could heard what it sounded like...other than that i think that it was pretty awsome and very detailed.