Grandpa

My grandfather died recently (my mom's father) and I wanted to write something for him. My goal eventually is to get this published, I think my mom would like that. Please pick it to pieces because I really want it published for him and for her, so any critique you have, awesome.

Spoiler

Okay, so I've reworked the paragraph with the pill-case, and want to know what people think. Only I've got to send this off by Friday, because Friday is my birthday and the magazine I want to send this too first only goes up to people age 13!!

Also, I'm not totally happy with the ending so if anyone has any ideas for it, please include that in your post!

Enjoy


A chessboard
checkmate
my white king captured
by your black queen

A tea ball
full of dark green leaves
staining the water
in your white teacup

The pill case
with a different box of pills
for every day of the week:
SMTWTFS

Your slide rule
in the crumbling leather case
with your address in Brooklyn
still written in it

The refrigerator
full of fat-free food
because you can’t eat
the normal kind

Sinking into a chair
with a groan
and a sigh, saying
Oof- kaba- doof

Touching your bald head
and reminding me
that no grass grows
on a busy street

I’ll miss you

---> *clap-hands*

----> You got me in there! What more can I say! This poem's just soo good.
----> So, the narrator used to play Chess w/ her grandpa etc. etc. Heart-warming. :]

Hey Sarebear,
I'm here as requested.
I absolutely love this. I know you are asking your readers to tear this to pieces, but I don't think I can do that. This is so well written and so deep and heartwarming that it would be a sin to change anything in this poem. I hope you get this poem published.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex

Hey sarebear. Thanks for the review request. I'm glad you picked a poem. I loffs reviewing poems. Especially this kind so this should be good. On to the epic review
--->>

I'm going to start with grammar.
RED is for mistakes,corrections and bits I didn't like.

sarebear wrote:
A chessboard
checkmate
my white king captured
by your black queen

A tea ball
full of dark green leaves
staining the water
in your white teacup

The pill case
SMTWTFSThis looks odd and doesn't make any sense. I guess it's the name of the capsules but I would defiantly change it. After all the beautiful description I find you ruin it here. It looks like Japense. D:
full of your pills
for every day of the week

Your slide rule
in the crumbling leather case
with your address in Brooklyn
still written in it

The refrigerator
full of fat-free food
because you canThere should be a space here.%u2019tThis is another bit of babble to me. The names you chose or such are completely unreadable and make no sense? Are these mistakes? They're abit off putting. I suggest you rid the poem of them D: eat
the normal kind

Sinking into a chair
with a groan
and a sigh, saying
Oof- kaba- doof

Touching your bald head
and reminding me
that no grass grows
on a busy street

I%u2019Again, is this a mistake? I'm not sure?ll miss you

Ok over all I found the poem really confusing. With this line,

The pill case
SMTWTFS

You lost me. Up until then you really had me gripped. I was into it, I understood where you were going~The sun was practically beaming! Then I came across these weird letters that looked out of place and insecure. At first I tried to make it out. I thought that maybe it might have a hidden meanign or something...then me second guess was that it was a mistake. I bypassed it only to realise there were more weird things. I'm stuck in a pot hole here. What is it? As a reader I'm really confused. What is this doom you have casted upon to figure out? Forgive me for being harsh but I'm just no sure what to make of it.

Other then what I've pointed out your poem was quite good. It lacked a bbhit of depth and meaning. All we know of the love for your father is...well nothing? You described his every day life? If that's what your trying to do then you did a good job. I just thought by your description that it would be more heartfelt. Am I making sense?

You had no grammar mistakes*unless the weird letter things was a mistake?* so I applaud you for that. It shows you edited well and put time and effort into this.

Well done and my advice is just to make more sense out of the letters things.
Good luck and keep writing!

Thanks for the review request again,
Kaka xoxo

Hey I'm Amie and I'll be reviewing today.

For Kakagirl the SMTWTFS stands for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday as they would appear on the pill box. After clearing that up I do think that it needs to go. It's pretty irrelevant especially since you tell us that there's a pill for every day of the week. It isn't needed and only causes confusion - I only understood what it meant when I put two and two together between the letters and the pills for each day of the week.

I have never heard of a tea ball or slide rule? I don't know if I'm alone in that.

Your ending was lovely, very heartfelt, poignant and real. Great work & good luck

So my outbox hates me! Here's your reply...

Thanks for clearing that up. Now I know what they mean they're lovely little additions to your poem making it feel authentic.

I think the only way you could keep the letters in is if you said something like

the seven boxes
with their seven letters
one for each day of the week
S,M,T,W,T,F,S

That way everyone understands exactly what they mean.

I'm a little confused myself. The only thing I can think she may be referring to is the 'Oof- kaba- doof' part and she just misplaced her annotation?

Generally, I do think this is a lovely poem. It may be an idea to try an add a little bit more emotion into it like another reviewer suggested just to make it all the more authentic. You've picked out some wonderfully poignant moments in this and yes I definitely think you should have it published. You have talent and that should be shared with the world!

& Anytime

Hello Sare! I'm here to review this as requested. I'm not sure how one offers condolences through a review, but I do nonetheless. <3

Now, onto the review.

This poem was very sweet and very simple, though it seemed a little bit void of... something. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it needs a pinch of something. There's emotion in it, but maybe not quite enough? Take the emotion that's behind the poem and find a way to push it through and weave it in.

Simple rephrasing and a slight change of word choice can do this. Or even adding a line or two between the stanzas could help. Just a quick word or two to him. We need to know how you feel about what's going on, and you don't quite get that out of this so far.

It is a very sweet poem, though. The last lines were probably my favourite. (Actually, I loved the last lines.)

Nice work and keep writing! Sorry for how short this was.

~~Ish

Spoiler

I haven't seen you in ages! I miss seeing you around YWS D:

i really like your poem! it's so touching. The SMTWTFS is a bit unnecessary, i mean we kind of know the days of the week. . . you should brainstorm what to put instead of that. You could also be a bit more descriptive like the colour of the pill case and something like the rusty refrigerator. I think it would make it more exciting to read.