Remembering Emily Chapter 2

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Beep Beep Beep...

That was the first thing I remember hearing after sailing through the air and landing on something hard. I couldn't move or open my eyes. I was completely numb. I could hear and smell though. I knew I was in a hospital and from the beeping sounds I knew I was alive. But in my mind I was only aware. I couldn't remember anything. Not even who I was. So to me I was only aware.

I must have fallen asleep after that discovery because I don't remember hearing anyone come into my room. But suddenly I heard voices whispering together. I couldn't quiet hear what they were saying, I caught bits and pieces here and there about 'massive fractures' and 'comas'. I still couldn't move but I was able to open one eye ever so slightly.

I could only see blury figures but I managed to make out a black lady in all white who I assumed was the nurse. I also saw a taller lady with medium lenth blonde hair. She was sobbing quietly. In the back of the room I saw a figure hunched up in a chair. He appeared to be male and pretty old but I couldn't quiet tell. He also had the truck driver look about him.

No one noticed me looking around so I tried to tell them I was awake. All that came out was a dry grunt. My tongue felt very thick in my mouth making it difficult to speak. But thankfully the grunt did the trick. The nurse quickly turned around and stared at me.

"Good heavens! He's awake!" She cried in a heavy southern accent."

The other lady gasped and engulfed me in her embrace. "My baby!" She sobbed

I must have looked horrified because when she pulled away she sobbed even harder. "Oh, he doesn't even remember me"

The nurse looked at the lady sympathetically. "Go ahead and remind him then."

The lady turned to look at me and peered into my eyes. She had deep blue eyes, and perfectly styled hair. She smelled strongly of flowery perfume. She had a kind face. That was evident even under the twisted pain which covered her as she attempted to stop crying.

"It's me Jake, your mother, don't you remember me?"

"I would have loved to tell the lady I did, she seemed so hurt and sad. I wanted to tell her that I remembered her and take the pain out of her eyes.If she was my mother I wouldn't have complained. But I couldn't, for two reasons. One even if I had wanted to, I couldn't speak because my mouth was so dry. And two, I didn't remember her, at all...
Last edited by servant4christ on Tue Jun 07, 2011 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...




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Yay! The second and third chapter are out! I've been waiting!
This chapter is short =[ I think you should add some more detail about Jake's mind and how he can't remeber anything.
A few errors I would like to point out.
NEVER begin the sentence with and or but. (Lots of people do on this site, it drives me crazy.) It is not proper.
You put quotation marks where they didn't need to be. Read over your work and find those. Also you forgot some periods. Again just read over your work and add those in.
I didn't find anything spelt wrong.

I liked the second chapter, it was short which dissapointed me =[ Now im going to read chapter 3. Write chapter 4 soon! :D
The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.




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You're chapters are very short. I think, just as a suggestion, maybe the first chapter involving Emily and Jake should be the prologue and the first chapter should open with him waking up at the hospital. Perhaps combining chapter 2 and 3 (I haven't read chapter 3 yet so I don't know if that would work)?

There's a missing period at the end of this sentence:

I must have looked horrified because when she pulled away she sobbed even harder. "Oh, he doesn't even remember me"


As well, the last paragraph has a misplaced quotation mark right at the beginning.

As a reader, I'd like to see some more description of Jake's surroundings. For somebody just waking up out of a coma, he seems a little too lucid. I think it would be more realistic if Jake first took in his surroundings: touch, taste and scent, instead of only what he can hear and what he can see. He jumps to the conclusion of the hospital and nurses a little too quickly. Also, trauma patients rarely remember facts of their accidents so immediately.

Personally, I find his mother's reaction a little melodramatic, like a soap opera. I think it would be more emotionally real if she approached him carefully and tried to reassure him, etc. Also, there would be a lot more dramatic tension if she didn't realize at first that he didn't remember her.



But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red