Cut Throat Game of Chess

Today I turn my back to you
I'm putting my stuff on the bus
For you are worse than the flu
Because you broke up us

Putting your arms around her
I should have seen
All the good is a blur
How could you be mean

You were with me, and then with her
On the same bed no less
Everything we were
Its a cut throat game of chess

I don't see you anymore
Or even know your name
The day I went through that door
Was when I won the game

Rhymes are very pretty, but also very distracting. These rhymes seem very forced. I think some of the comparisons could be better. This is a common topic, and you need to be creative about it!

dragonlover92 wrote:Today I turn my back to you
As I'm putting my stuff on the bus.
For you are worse than the flu see, not a good comparison. This is just a forced rhyme. Think of something that is actually bad, something that isn't silly like this.
Because you broke up us.

Putting your arms around her
I should have seen
All the good is a blur
How could you be so mean Another forced rhyme. Not very creative.

You were with me, and then with her
On the same bed no less.
Everything we were
Was a cut throat game of chess.

I don't see you anymore,
Or even know your name.
The day I went through that door
Was when I won the game.

So I fixed some of the punctuation. Overall, it isn't bad, but it has a lot more potential. You need to express more emotions and avoid letting the rhymes suck the life out of the poem as a whole.

It's a good idea, but I feel like it's dry of rhythm and emotion. Like Dragonlover92 said, pay attention to those thing s instead of letting your focus on the rhyming take everything else out of the poem. Keep working on it, it has lots of potential! Keep writing!

Ok thank you

I liked the idea of the poem and I understood it, but I feel the vocabulary could have been enhanced a bit to make the rhythm of your words less forced. It felt like the simple words were just used to make it rhyme. Although, I still enjoyed the straight-forwardness of your writing, It was like a signature, ya know? A symbol of recognition. Keep going, and hopefully develop a unique signature all your own! )