Extraordinary: Chapter 1

With a backpack slung over my shoulder and a heavy textbook in my arm, I walked to my first class; History. As usual, I was the first one in the classroom. I didn’t have a reason to hang around in the hallways as most people do in between classes; they talked to their friends or their certain someones, I had neither.

I wasn’t completely friendless though; I had a few acquaintances that liked to keep me company during lunch on occassion, but I wouldn’t call them my friends. I mean, we never hung out outside of school, I didn’t even have their phone numbers. I wasn’t unhappy though, I liked living in solitude.

I sat at the back of the class. This was one of the perks of coming to class early, I get to choose which seat I want. Mrs. Doe, the teacher, looked up at me and smiled. I was fond of her, and she liked me because I didn’t cause trouble in her class and passed assignments and papers on time. I smiled back and muttered a ‘goodmorning’ to be polite.

It’s been only a week since school started, and the classes were already kinda boring. That’s saying something coming from me, who’s the most boring person on this planet, at least that’s what my brother says. I don’t think I’m boring though, people only think that because they don’t get to know me.

Or I don’t let them get to know me.

Soon after, people started filling up the room, seeing as the bell already rang. Mrs. Doe started her discussion about the Cold war, I sat up straight and took out my notebook to, obviously, take notes. As most people zoned out or passed notes to each other, I actually listened to what the teacher was saying, because I, unlike most people, give a damn about my grades.


See, I’m not exactly a straight-A nerd, but I keep good grades. I mean, I have no social life so what better to do than study, right? It’s not that I’m complaining, I actually like studying and learning new things, even if they’re boring. I’m weird like that.


About ten minutes into the discussion, the door swung open and in walked a boy, flushed and has obviously been running. It wasn’t much of a surprise since people came in late all the time during first period.

But this boy, I haven’t seen him before.

He apologized to Mrs. Doe, explaining that he was a new student and got lost. I stared at him as he pushed the damp hair out of his eyes.

Damn, he was beautiful

Hello there!

Welcome to YWS!

Do you like writing romance? I sort of do. Anyway, onto the review now. ^^

With a backpack slung over my shoulder and a heavy textbook in my arm, I walked to my first class; History. As usual, I was the first one in the classroom. I didn’t have a reason to hang around in the hallways as most people do in between classes; they talked to their friends or their certain someones, I had neither.

I'm sure you can give us a better start, no? I see you trying to show us your MC which is very good, but spruce it up and add some spices. You don't want it to sound like a high-school drama. Add something initially that will get your readers hooked onto the story. We don't want to lose reader, do we?

and the classes were already kinda boring.

Personally, I think 'kind of' sounds better in narrative. Feel free to use kinds in dialogue.

He apologized to Mrs. Doe, explaining that he was a new student and got lost. I stared at him as he pushed the damp hair out of his eyes.

Damn, he was beautiful

Aw man! Why is it that a new student is beautiful? It borders on cliche-ness. Why not someone who failed a class? It should be interesting if your MC is a smart kid and the love-interest isn't. That said, I'm not against this as long as you don't make it too cliche.

One more point, I'd like to touch on is Description. 'Show' us more in your story. Show us the annoyance or boredom. Use the five senses.

Have fun writing!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Cheers!
~Lava

Thank you for your criticism.
I appreciate it, and I'll try to make the next chapter better

Hey! Lollipopper here to review.
This piece was very short, might I say. I mean, seems like a prologue or something, so that's fine, but the point is there isn't much I can pick out. That's a good thing!
This already sounds kind of boring. No offense, I just think you need description. It's a plain soup that needs some spice.
And, like Lava said, it really is cliche. I would suggest adding some plot twists later on in the story. Add the unexpected!
Other than that, I think you're good! This actually was a pretty good piece. Congrats and keep me posted:)

--Lollipopper

Revisions in red, comments in blue

With a backpack slung over my shoulder and a heavy textbook in my arm, I walked to my first class; History. As usual, I was the first one in the classroom. I didn’t have a reason to hang around in the hallways, as most people do, in between classes; they talked to their friends or their certainspecialwould perhaps be a better word choice than certain, but it's up to you someones, neither of which I had for that last suggestion:maybe. not positive. the sentence is a tad iffy to me..

I wasn’t completely friendless though; I had a few acquaintances that liked to keep me company during lunch on occassion, but I wouldn’t call them my friends So you say you he isn't friendless, but he can't call them his friends? Perhaps change it from completely friendless to: a complete loner or outcast, take your pick.. I mean, we never hung out outside of school, I didn’t even have their phone numbers. I wasn’t unhappy though; I liked living in solitude.

I sat at the back of the class, one of the perks of coming to class early. I get to choose which seat I want. just omit that sentence completely, the reader will understand what you mean Mrs. Doe, the teacher, looked up at me and smiled. I was fond of her, and she liked me because I both didn’t cause trouble in her class and passed assignments and papers in on time.

Start with a new line for everytime a person speaksI smiled back and politely muttered 'Goodmorning.’

It’s been only a week since school started, and the classes are already kind of boring. That’s saying something coming from me, who's the most boring person on this planet, according to my brother.

I don’t think I’m boring though, people only think that because they don’t get to know me...or I don’t let them get to know me.

Soon after, people started filling up the room, seeing as the bell already rang. Mrs. Doe started her discussion about the Cold war, I sat up straight and took out my notebook to , obviously, saying obviously will mostly be okay, but with certain pieces, the reader may feel as if the writer finds them stupid, so just be careful with that. take notes. As most people zoned out or passed notes to each other, I actually listened to what the teacher was saying, because I, unlike most people, give a damn about my grades.


See, I’m not exactly a straight-A nerd, but I keep good grades. I mean, I have no social life, so what better to do than study, right? It’s not that I’m complaining, I actually like studying and learning new things, even if they’re boring. I’m weird like that.

About ten minutes into the discussion, the door swung open and in walked a boy, flushed and has obviously been running. It wasn’t much of a surprise since people came in late all the time during first period.

But this boy, I haven’t seen him before.

He apologized to Mrs. Doe, explaining that he was a new student and got lost. I stared at him as he pushed the damp hair out of his eyes.

Damn, he was beautiful

First off, let me get this straight: this guy is gay, correct? I just need that clarified, becasue I'm a little confused. If so, props to you, not many people venture out onto that very weak limb of a touchy topic.

However, the story itself seemed just a little bit...bland. You didn't give the readers any real insight or emotion. Also, you seemed to just be grocery listing and, to me, I feel as if you maybe got bored while writing this.

However, this does have a glimmer of potential, and I can tell there's a great writer in you. You just need to go a little deeper and you'll be great!

Hope I don't sound harsh, I don't ever mean any of my reviews to sound so. I just find that honesty is always best when critiquing, because if it's not then the writer gets no benefit from it.

Welcome to YWS, and I look forward to talking to you and reading your work.

Love and other things, fictionfanatic.

3rd Paragraph:

miserysbestfriend wrote:This was one of the perks of coming to class early, I get to choose which seat I want.

You switched tenses. "Get" should be "Got" or "Was able to", etc. and "Want" should be "Wanted".
4th Paragraph:

miserysbestfriend wrote: It’s been only a week since school started, and the classes were already kinda boring.

You switched tenses again. "It's" needs to be "It had", etc.
6th Paragraph:

miserysbestfriend wrote: As most people zoned out or passed notes to each other, I actually listened to what the teacher was saying, because I, unlike most people, give a damn about my grades.

You keep on switching tenses! "Give" should be "Gave".
7th Paragraph:

miserysbestfriend wrote:See, I’m not exactly a straight-A nerd, but I keep good grades. I mean, I have no social life so what better to do than study, right? It’s not that I’m complaining, I actually like studying and learning new things, even if they’re boring. I’m weird like that.

Read over this paragraph. The whole thing is in present tense, while most of the rest of the story is written in past tense.
9th Paragraph:

miserysbestfriend wrote:But this boy, I haven’t seen him before.

"Haven't" needs to be "Hadn't".

Okay, and that's about everything! (That nobody else commented on).
I like your story idea so far, it's just kind of bland to me. Maybe describe your character and surroundings more, or let the reader into your narrator's thoughts.

your story needs more description really then you'll be in good besides the mistakes with your tenses which to be honest i have problems with that too, but when you read over it you should catch them. i did like this story it's something i'd like to read haha yeah i'm a real sucker for romances bust overall good

I really enjoyed your story. I didn't notice any errors so that's good. Keep going I like it!

Oooh I'm super excited for this story!
Maybe try to describe the character a bit more? I didn't know it was a girl until I read the description, and still don't know what she looks like.
But besides that, I *really* enjoyed this!! I didn't see any errors either I'm super excited to see whats going to come out of this