Blood Tears (Chapter 5)

A.N. Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thank you for all the help with editing my writing. Also sorry for not posting the fifth chapter up sooner I've been really busy with school so here you go Chapter 5 of Blood Tears! Hope you enjoy.



The car ride home was dreadful. I asked Zach to take me home to help me pack up my things for tomorrow. The car was eary silent, the only sounds were that of raindrops beating down on the roof.
"Thank you." My words cut through the air like a knife.
Zach grinned boyishly, brushing away rogue strands of black and blond hair away from my blood shot eyes,"Ari, don't worry, that's what I do." He reassured, giving me a wink, "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I deserted you in your time of need?"
I smiled up at my prince charming, 'how did I end up with such a great guy?' He was perfect: tall, dark and handsome. With his sandy brown hair spiked up in different directions and his dark eyes, like pools of melted milk chocolate. A true Romeo!
"Huh, what is it?" He asked, blushing self consciously under my far off stare.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking." I answered as we pulled into my driveway. Zach hopped out of the car and ran to my side to let me out. Once inside the dark house we went straight to my room.
Blasting the radio as high as it would go we started to sort out my belongs into two piles; things to get rid of and things to keep. By the time we were done it was 10:36.
"I better go home." Informed Zach, putting on his shoes and jacket.
"You sure you want to do that? It looks pretty nasty out there." I commented, gazing out my bed room window. The wind had picked up and was beginning to hail quarter sized ice chunks.
Zach's eyes wondered towards the window as he reconsidered his options. "Yeah, I think I'll stay here for the night."
I laughed and headed into the kitchen for some popcorn, while he stayed in my room, rummaging through my collection of DVDs. Deciding on watching The Lion King 2, the two of us cuddled up under my bed sheets. I soon fell asleep with Zach brushing my long, think hair with his finger tips.

A.N. Well there you go chapter 5. Sorry it's so short, hope you don't mind having a bit of a writers block. Until next time.

Hi, I'm MID or Made or whatever you want to call me. I haven't read the first four chapters, but saw you had no reviews so I thought I'd give it a whirl. So forgive me if I'm completely lost with the storyline.

GothicButterfly wrote: The car ride home was dreadful. I asked Zach to take me home to help me pack up my things for tomorrow. The car was eerie silent, the only sounds were that fat of raindrops beating down on the roof.

"Thank you." My words cut through the air like a knife.

It's not "eary." I think you meant "eerie." I didn't really like the use of "fat drops."
I've found it's usually best to keep things simple. Every time you have dialogue, start a new line.

Zach grinned boyishly, brushing away rogue strands of black and blond hair away from my blood shot eyes, "Ari, don't worry, that's what I do." He reassured, giving me a wink, "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I deserted you in your time of need?"

Rouge is a makeup -- blush. Remember to go through and edit before you post so you don't miss silly mistakes like missing a space or a punctuation mark. Also, remember your punctuation! I is a pronoun and deserves to be capitalized. Use question marks for questions.

I smiled up at my prince charming, 'How did I end up with such a great guy?' He was perfect: tall, dark and handsome. With his sandy brown hair spiked up in different directions and his dark eyes, like pools of melted milk chocolate. A true Romeo!

Semicolons are used to connect closely related independent clauses. Kinda like connecting two sentences. I think a regular colon would work for listing off his traits.

"Huh, what is it?" He asked, blushing self consciously under my empty stare.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking," I answered as we pulled into my driveway. Zach hopped out of the car and ran to my side to let me out. Once inside the dark house we went straight to my room.

Why would her stare be empty if she were thinking about her love for him?

Blasting the radio as high as it would go we started to sort out my belongs into two piles: things to get rid of and things to keep. By the time we were done it was 10:36.
"I better go home," Informed Zach, putting on his shoes and jacket.
"You sure you want to do that? It looks pretty nasty out there," I commented, gazing out my bed room window. The wind had picked up and it was beginning to hail quarter sized ice chunks.
Zach's eyes wondered towards the window as he reconsidered his options. "Yeah, I think I'll stay here for the night."

Again, same thing with the semicolon.

I laughed and headed into the kitchen for some popcorn, while he stayed in my room, rummaging through my collection of DVDs. Deciding on watching The Lion King 2, the two of us cuddled up under my bed sheets. I soon fell asleep with Zach brushing my long, think hair with his finger tips.

It feels like there was a gap between this paragraph and the last. Don't switch from past to present tense.

Are you new to writing? Everything gets better and easier with time. Overall, this isn't something I'd enjoy reading. This chapter was tiny and didn't have much going on it. To be completely honest, it was boring. It needs a lot of time, work and editing. That's not a bad thing, we all have weaknesses in our writing and we have to work on them to get better. You need to work on your descriptions, your flow and your grammar.

Good luck and keep writing,
-MID

Oh he opened the doors for Ari a gentleman:) There's one thing shouldn't she kined of cry you know her mother just died, she's moving away...well I guess she didn't have a mother daughter bond, But still I love this story....

Wow! I like Ariels boyfriend. He's such a gentleman. LOL. But for real. That sucks that she has to leave all her friends behind. If I had to do that I would have most likely cried. I guess Ariel is just a really strong person, who hates to cry right? Well either way. I love your story!!! <3 <3 <3