The girl in the background

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I'm not to sure about this :?
I would appreciate your reviews! Rip it to shreads if you want!

The girl in the background
Her words are lost, they're silenced by the ignorance
Of the people who don't know her, people that pass her by.
Every living moment she dreams of acceptance,
But her hope grows weaker no matter how hard she may try.

Whenever you walk past her, all you do is stare,
You never even think about how she fells, what she dreams.
But every time you stare, her heart begins to tear.
She may not shout out loud but inside her shell she screams.

Like a tree without any roots, she cannot grow.
Not because she doesn't want to, because she simply can't.
All she needs is care and love so that she can show
The things she can accomplish, not the things she can't.

Different is said to be good, but all it does is hurt,
Hurt and bury her soul deeper until her breath grows short.
She hides so she can cry, because she feels like dirt.
Just give her some attention, just give her some support.

She lives in a small world where the sky is not blue.
Her whole life passes her by as an unimportant blur.
All she wants is someone she can open up to.
The only friend she has is the lonely soul inside her,
For she is the girl in the background.
Last edited by Sins on Tue May 19, 2009 6:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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All I can say is: "Wow." It's crazy how much feeling is put into this poem. I can feel the pain of the girl, just as I can see her living in her "unimportant" existence.

fells
Should be feels Or at least I'm guessing that's what you meant, which is fine because typos are typos, and that's the only one I found anyway.

I really like this poem, it speaks in it's own brilliant language.


~tim8keeper




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Her words are lost, they're silenced by the ignorance
maybe Her words are lost, silenced by their ignorance.

Of the people who don't know her, people that pass her by.
maybe the people she doesn't know, the ones who pass her by.

no matter how hard she may try.
maybe no matter how hard she may cry.

She may not shout out loud but inside her shell she screams.
maybe She may no ask for help but inside she screams out loud.

because she simply can't.
maybe because the soil slips from below.

not the things she can't.
maybe not the things she'll never know.

Her whole life passes her by as an unimportant blur.
maybe She passes by in life as an unimportant blur.

For she is the girl in the background, destined for a life, nevermore.


I liked this a lot, I thought it was very deep, capturing all the emotion it possibly could. Maybe re-tool some of it and it could be absolutely grade-A!!!




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I really like it. It shows a lot of feeling, and you are doing well in expressing your thoughts in different ways.

However, to me it seems a bit wordy. Not just length wise, but kind of in the way the lines are written. There are many little words that could be replaced or aren't necessary that just kind of throw off the natural pattern of this one to me. For instance, the second stanza:

Megan White wrote:Whenever you walk past her, all you do is stare,
You never even think about how she fells, what she dreams.
But every time you stare, her heart begins to tear.
She may not shout out loud but inside her shell she screams.


that could be shortened to something along the lines of,

Whenever walking past, all one does is stare,
Never thinking about how she feels, what she dreams.
But with every stare, it makes her heart tear
On the outside she is solemn, but inside the shell she screams.

.. hm, well, maybe that doesn't do a lot for shortening it,
but it kinda flows better in my opinion.




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I feel like this girl. That is a good thing. I mean, I've been in that situation many times, so it's easy to relate, but still. I like the emotion packed in here, and I think other than the typo, you did really well.
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."




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I really love it! I can totally relate to it.You should write more poems like this.
O
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I really love it! I can totally relate to it.You should write more poems like this.
O
R
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G
A
M
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M
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I really love it! I can totally relate to it.You should write more poems like this.
O
R
I
G
A
M
I

M
O
O
N




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Wow...this was really powerful. I can feel the girls' pain and how she's fading into noneistance. Well done!
So many people treat you like you’re a kid
so you might as well act like one,
and throw your television
out of a hotel window.
–Gerard Way



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy