Would you say "Yes"?

Hello ppl;
This was a random *two person* contest to write the best Would you say 'yes'? poem from a boy to a girl.
It was difficult writing as a guy, but fun wining! It was not officially a competition, just mucking around in Media Studies (but if it was I still think I'd come 1rst... or second, or either). Haven't edited it yet, still kinda new born but I can't wait so... hope you like it!

*Btw, good luck to those with mid-term exams, bugger off to those who finished theirs... TT_TT
______________________________________________________________________________________________________




...




Before you read this poem, beautiful,
I’d like you to say ‘yes’.
I thank you very much if you did it,
If not, I know I’ve tried my best.

I’ll start by saying, I don’t know if this poem’s
for you or if it’s for me,
but to look upon that perfection of a face you have
I’d find no words to speak.

It’s tough, now days, to show or even let you know
why the sight of you terrifies me,
But writing this down, I think I know now
Just why I cannot leave you be.

How many times have I dreamed?
Running my fingers through your hair?
Falling like melting chocolate,
Across your temple bare.
Your eyes, a fearsome golden brown
Dart quickly to and fro.
If you’re eyes could shoot arrows,
I would have died long ago.

If skin could smell of sunlight,
my logic would make more sense.
If hearts could be seen easily,
my mates wouldn’t think me dense.
A voice to rival angel speak,
with lips rose red and lush.
What I’d give to hear a voice like that,
What I’d do to make you blush.

You’re movement full of dancer’s grace
Each stride so certain and pure
It made me aware of each curve on your body
Provoking thoughts ‘not so mature’
A laugh to hush a bickering room,
to stop a hearts quick beat.
The sound like honey overflowing,
no man against futile defeat.

If you could now please, indulge imagining me
Standing here a stoic fine, just saying
“I will love you in every moment’s breath."
“Sweetheart... will you be mine?”

Aw! A proposal? How sweet! I enjoyed this one. Just one nitpick, though:

It’s tough, now-a-days, to show or even let you know

Before you read this poem, beautiful, This sounds kind of cheesy with the 'beautiful' on the end
I’d like you to say ‘yes’.
I thank you very much if you did it, I'd,
If not, I know I’ve tried my best. I think this line just for the rhyme and less for the plotline

I’ll start by saying, I don’t know if this poem’s bring ''if this poem's" to the line below to even them out
for you or if it’s for me,
but to look upon that perfection of a face you have this line is too long for the poem's rhythem
I’d find no words to speak. What?

It’s tough, now days, to show or even let you know
why the sight of you terrifies me, awwww
But writing this down, I think I know now
Just why I cannot leave you be. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

How many times have I dreamed? delete the question mark
Running my fingers through your hair?
Falling like melting chocolate,
Across your temple bare.
Your eyes, a fearsome golden brown
Dart quickly to and fro.
If you’re eyes could shoot arrows,
I would have died long ago. Okay, now you're in the groove, this is good

If skin could smell of sunlight,
my logic would make more sense.
If hearts could be seen easily,
my mates wouldn’t think me dense.
A voice to rival angel speak, this line is a bit confusing
with lips rose red and lush.
What I’d give to hear a voice like that,
What I’d do to make you blush. no need for this to be italicized, it already make an impact by itself

You’re movement full of dancer’s grace, comma
Each stride so certain and pure, comma
It made me aware of each curve on your body
Provoking thoughts ‘not so mature’ that weren't mature, or weren't so mature
A laugh to hush a bickering room,
to stop a hearts quick beat. comma instead
The sound like honey overflowing,
no futile man againstfutile defeat. here you're saying that defeat is futile, meaning "defeat is useless" change futile to before 'man'.

If you could now please, indulge imagining me
Standing here a stoic fine, just saying
“I will love you in every moment’s breath." comma!
“Sweetheart... will you be mine?” AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Too cute. Keep writing I hope you win! :]
-KatTrain

This is super cute! I love it!

anianaira wrote:
Before you read this poem, beautiful,
I’d like you to say ‘yes’.
I thank you very much if you did it, 'I' should be 'I'd'. Also, take out the 'it' at the end.
If not, I know I’ve tried my best. 'I' should be 'I'll'.

I’ll start by saying, I don’t know if this poem’s
for you or if it’s for me, Hmm, I don't really like these two lines, and why would the narrator not know it's for him, or the girl?
but to look upon that perfection of a face you have
I’d find no words to speak. I like this, but I didn't 'get' it till the end.

It’s tough, now days, to show or even let you know
why the sight of you terrifies me,
But writing this down, I think I know now
Just why I cannot leave you be. And this is where the poem really takes off into a greatness!

How many times have I dreamed?
Running my fingers through your hair? There should be 'of' in the beginning of this line.
Falling like melting chocolate,
Across your temple bare.
Your eyes, a fearsome golden brown
Dart quickly to and fro.
If you’re eyes could shoot arrows, 'You're' should be 'your'.
I would have died long ago.

If skin could smell of sunlight,
my logic would make more sense.
If heart's could be seen easily,
my mates wouldn’t think me dense.
A voice to rival angel's speak, ? Not sure what this is supposed to mean?
with lips rose red and lush.
What I’d give to hear a voice like that,
What I’d do to make you blush.

You’re movement full of dancer’s grace Again, 'you're' should be changed to 'your'.
Each stride so certain and pure
It made me aware of each curve on your body
Provoking thoughts ‘not so mature’
A laugh to hush a bickering room,
to stop a heart's quick beat.
The sound like honey overflowing,
no man against futile defeat.

If you could now please, indulge, imagining me
Standing here a stoic fine, just saying
“I will love you in every moment’s breath."
“Sweetheart... will you be mine?”

So very cute poem. It was quite refreshing for love-themed poetry, as most love poetry is about betrayal, or 'falling' against their will, blah blah blah. There were a few areas that confused me a little, and in stanza 2, and the last one, you failed to stick to your rhyme scheme. As far as the rhyming goes, it seemed pretty natural though, so good job on that. I didn't like the first two stanzas nearly as much as the rest. They didn't exactly put me off the poem, but...anyway, it's better for it to start out OK, then turn to fantastic, instead of vice-versa! You did a great job at describing and it flowed quite well. Nice job!