Soak Up The Sun: Chapter 1: Sun Rays

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Finally! Summer hit us sooner than soon. Yes, it is June sixteenth, but it's still summer.



I slammed my locker door, proud of the emptiness I left inside it. Teens walked around me, chatting among their groups of friends about vacation.



I looked through the hall for my friends, they said they'd meet me at my locker. Everyone were still in uniforms, yeah sadly, our school had them.



"Poke," someone poked me on my shoulder.



Turning around, my "friend" Georgie slung her around my neck and squezzed me as hard as possible.



"Hey to you too..." I sighed.



God, can't she ever leave me alone?!



I hate her sooo much. My mom, she can read people (I know, it's weird but cool ha-ha), so she told me that, well, she's actually a really bad person inside. And that I have to stay away from her before she puts a dagger in my back.



"Ohmigosh!" she screamed once she let me go.



"What...?" I asked, pretending to be shocked.



Just to let you imagine Georgie, think of a pig with a crocked snout. I love pigs, I mean, they're cute but I'm trying to give you an explanation of that ugly thing.



Yeah, thing.



"You know when you told me you like a guy named Trevor?" she said.



Now, that was a total mistake. One day she was begging me to tell her who I liked (which was no one). I told her...



"Yeah, I like someone but I will not tell you who it is."



... and she started a big begging fest.



But the problem was, I said my friends' name at the time. I was under stress and I needed to say something so it just... I don't know... slipped out.



"Uhuh," I said.



"Well, he likes you back!!!" she screamed once again.



Wait, what?!



She must've seen my confusion becuase she started to explain everything.



"Come on! You know who I'm talking about and why aren't you excited about it!?"



Well, she didn't know exactly which Trevor I was talking about back then. She thought it was some blonde kid, and his hair is the exact opposite.



So she never knew him. How does she know it's the one I was talking about.



"But... uh, do you know which Trevor I was even talking about?" I asked, my voice jumping up a key.



"Uh, yes. I looked on your Facebook silly! He's the only Trevor you've got on there!"



"Hey, if I like him, why and how would I have him on Facebook?"



That's kind of true. If you like someone, it's mostly a popular person, not your friend. But others would just add their crush... what ever.



"Um, that's a tricky question, but you have him so ask yourself instead."



We walked through the halls, hitting the white, blue or grey students on the way out. The stairs were stuffed as well, but we headed down them with no problem.



"Just becuase I have a Trevor does not mean it's him! Trevor is my firned, not crush." I protested.



She turned around, staring at me with daggers in her eys.



"What?! So you lied to me?!"



"Uh, no!" bitch, "... I just meant that I don't have that Trevor on Facebook." I said, lying of course.



"Mhm, sure..." she sighed.



We stepped onto the first floor, getting into the not-so-crowded crowd. My enemy, Logan, stood with his group of friends, laughing about cocks and sex.



Yes, it's that disgusting in my school.



"Come on George!"



"Don't call me that!" She sais sharply, spit flying everywhere.



Wiping some of it off my upper lip, I caught Trevor's stare. He was looking directly at me and my heart almost jumped out of me.



"... Mitchie...? Are you there?!" Georgie waved her hand in front of my face.



Seriously, I felt like my mind was fogging up.



"Y-yes," I stuttered, looking back at Ms. Piggy.



"O...kay...?" she said, pitching her voice at the end.



But she must've remembered that I was staring at something or someone , so she turned around, thinking that she knew what I was staring at.



Well, she was right, but she didn't have to know that, now did she?



"Ohhh, it's Trevor," she smiled from ear to ear.



I serioulsy wanted to pull that smile off and plaster it onto my face, but I wouldn't risk having the ugly playing on my face, now would I?



I know, I sound like a bitch, but she is one. So I hope I have the right to act like one.



Why would I smile anyway? It would show the truth, so I had to act like I didn't give a damn.



"Yeah, and...?" I sighed, pushing past her.



"Yeah and...?!! You were the one staring at him!!!" she practically yelled.



People started to look at us. I had a pink blush rising on my cheeks, so I just pretended that I didn't know her. I was headed closer to the double doors that lead us outside, but I didn't want to leave Trevor's sight.



Oh well, a risk is a risk.



"Hey Mitchie, WAIT!" Georgie yelled.



That's when I started to run. My legs were at full speed once I pushed the doors open and ran down the concrete steps, missing the other students. They looked at me tlike I was some crazy lunatic, but I still ran for my life. This was my only chance to get away from here.



Thank God she's fat. She can't run that fast then.



Ha-ha, I am mean.



Catching my breath, I stopped in front of the wire fence, looking around for Georgie. Good, I couldn't see her. She wasn't near me at all.



Proud of myself, I pulled out my iPod, sliding the earphones into my ears. My mom was picking me up today, so I had to walk across the street and straight on.



I crossed the street, making sure all the cars stopped moving. The sun shown through the clear sky, getting it's heat rays to bounce off my skin, causing a tan to grow.



Yes, once again I will say this, It's Finally Summer.

Jogging down the street, I tried to make it to the bus stop. It would be coming in about three minutes and I needed to get on it. The heat was killing me and it reached ninety five degress Fahrenheit today, so I wanted and really needed to get onto the airconditioned bus.

I pushed past some Chicago High School students (my school) and kept on running ahead. My brother was probably there, waiting for me and the bus.

He said he'd wait for me so I hope he didn't just break the promise.

I reached to the bus stop, a couple of people sorounding it. my brother was standing in the shade of an oak tree, playing on his iPod.

"Heyo!" I gretted him.

No reply. No wonder.

His earphones are stuffed in his ears with the volume on high, I could even hear Eminem rapping him the answers to his test.

So, I walked up to him, pulling out his earphone.

"Heyo! Maybe your little sister would want a reply you know..." I said.

Rolling his green eyes, he put his earphone right back in.

"Uh..." I grunted.

The bus drove up to us so we hoped in, driving home getting the air condition to soothen our crazy teenage minds.







-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Really, I wanted to start this thing out so this is just the part of the start and I'm really busy so I'll finish this soon. :D
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Just a few nitpicks:

Turning around, my "friend" Georgie slung her arm around my neck and squeezed me as hard as possible.


I think this was just a matter of typing too fast and getting a few typos. :-D It's all good.

How does she know it's the one I was talking about?


"Just becuase I have a Trevor on my facebook page does not mean it's that Trevor! Trevor is my friend, not my
crush," I protested.


"M-hm, sure..." she sighed.


"Don't call me that!" She sais This could be "said" or "says," whichever you meant sharply,


"Uh, no!" Bitch, "...


He was looking directly at me and my heart almost jumped out of me. Can you see how you used "me" here? Too close together. Try "my chest" for the second one, instead.


causing a tan to grow. Mmm...form?


it reached ninety five degress Fahrenheit You don't need to specify that it's Fahrenheit here, since Centigrade is completely unrealistic at 95 degrees (unless you are in a chemical laboratory and have whatever you're heating up under extreme heat and pressure) and Kelvin would be just weird since that's only ever used in scientific terms. today


"Heyo! Maybe your little sister would want a reply, you know...?" I said.


The bus drove up to the stop, so we hopped in, erased words here letting the air conditioning erased "to" sootheerased the 'n' our crazy teenage minds.


This was an interesting story. Now, I would like you to show us (not tell us) what our MC and Georgie are like. I had no idea how to envision either of them. They were the invisible people of no faces, figures (except for Georgie, but she wasn't fat until the end,) or anything. Especially specify really, really early on that Mitchie is a girl...otherwise people (like me) may think for the longest time (until the end) that we have a gay relationship on our hands here.

Other than that, you have the beginnings of a great story here. It just needs some work.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




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Hello! *waves*

Finally! Summer hit us sooner than soon. Yes, it is June sixteenth, but it's still summer. (It's a bit repetitive on how you express the early summer. Try paraphrasing this without redundancy of words. And you do have a weak opening line.)

I slammed my locker door, proud of the emptiness I left inside it. Teens walked around me, chatting among their groups of friends about vacation.

I looked through the hall for my friends, they said they'd meet me at my locker. Everyone were still in uniforms, yeah sadly, our school had them.

"Poke," someone poked me on my shoulder. Oo

Turning around, my "friend" Georgie slung her (slung her what?) around my neck and squeezed me as hard as possible.

"Hey to you too..." I sighed.

God, can't she ever leave me alone?!

I hate her so much. My mom, she can read people (I know, it's weird but cool ha-ha), so she told me that, well, she's actually a really bad person inside. (There's a ton of "she" pronoun that I don't know who you're referring to already.) And that I have to stay away from her before she puts a dagger in my back. (That is not an enough information for you to convince us that her so-called friend is bad... or mean. She needs some personality to squeeze out from Georgie. Let the juice spill all over the place. ^^)

"Ohmigosh!" she screamed once she let me go.

"What...?" I asked, pretending to be shocked. (What's with the ellipses?)

Just to let you imagine Georgie, think of a pig with a crocked ("croked" means vessel, jar or a container... don't you mean "crooked"? Oo)snout. I love pigs, I mean, they're cute but I'm trying to give you an explanation of that ugly thing. (Is Georgie an animal? If so, "snout" is fine, but if she's comparing her face to a pig... well, she's so mean. XD You can ignore this btw. She could perhaps describe more of her physical features that made her look like an animal. >.<)

Yeah, thing. (Hmm. I'm iffy about this. How about deleting this one?)

"You know [the time] when you told me you like a guy named Trevor?" she said. (more like "asked")

Now, that was a total mistake. (How can it be a total mistake? A total lie, perhaps?) One day she was begging me to tell her who I liked (which was no one). I told her...

"Yeah, I like someone but I will not tell you who it is."

... and she started a big begging fest. (Show it and what is a fest? O_o)

But the problem was, I said my friends' name at the time. I was under stress and I needed to say something so it just... I don't know... slipped out.

"Uhuh," I said.

"Well, he likes you back!!!" she screamed once again.

Wait, what?!

She must've seen my confusion becuase she started to explain everything.

"Come on! You know who I'm talking about and why aren't you excited about it!?"

Well, she didn't know exactly which Trevor I was talking about back then. She thought it was some blonde kid, and his hair is the exact opposite.

So she never knew him. How does she know it's the one I was talking about?

"But... uh, do you know which Trevor I was even talking about?" I asked, my voice jumping up a key.

"Uh, yes. I looked on your Facebook silly! He's the only Trevor you've got on there!"

"Hey, if I like him, why and how would I have him on Facebook?"

That's kind of true. If you like someone, it's mostly a popular person, not your friend. But others would just add their crush... what ever.

"Um, that's a tricky question, but you have him, so ask yourself instead."

We walked through the halls, hitting the white, blue or grey students on the way out. The stairs were stuffed as well, but we headed down them with no problem. (How?)

"Just becuase I have a Trevor does not mean it's him! Trevor is my firned, not crush." I protested.

She turned around, staring at me with daggers in her eyes.

"What?! So you lied to me?!"

"Uh, no!" bitch, "... I just meant that I don't have that Trevor on Facebook," (Use a comma instead of period when having a speech tag.) I said, lying of course.

"Mhm, sure..." she sighed.

We stepped onto the first floor, getting into the not-so-crowded crowd. My enemy, Logan, stood with his group of friends, laughing about cocks and sex.

Yes, it's that disgusting in my school.

"Come on George!"

"Don't call me that!" She said sharply, spit flying everywhere.

Wiping some of it off my upper lip (lol), I caught Trevor's stare. He was looking directly at me and my heart almost jumped out of me.(A bit cliche', could've been a stronger reaction.)

"... (delete the first ellipses) Mitchie...? Are you there?!" Georgie waved her hand in front of my face.

Seriously, I felt like my mind was fogging up.

"Y-yes," I stuttered, looking back at Ms. Piggy.

"O...kay...?" she said, pitching her voice at the end.

But she must've remembered that I was staring at something or someone , so she turned around, thinking that she knew what I was staring at.

Well, she was right, but she didn't have to know that, now did she?

"Ohhh, it's Trevor," she smiled from ear to ear.

I serioulsy wanted to pull that smile off and plaster it onto my face, but I wouldn't risk having the ugly playing on my face, now would I?

I know, I sound like a bitch, but she is one. So I hope I have the right to act like one. (I don't know why she hates her just because her mother read her mind and claimed that she's a bad person. O_o)

Why would I smile anyway? It would show the truth, so I had to act like I didn't give a damn.

"Yeah, and...?" I sighed, pushing past her.

"Yeah and...?!! You were the one staring at him!!! (one exclamation point as much as possible)" she practically yelled.

People started to look at us. I had a pink blush rising (rising or appearing?) on my cheeks, so I just pretended that I didn't know her. I was heading closer to the double doors that lead us outside, but I didn't want to leave Trevor's sight.

Oh well, a risk is a risk.

"Hey Mitchie, WAIT!" Georgie yelled.

That's when I started to run. My legs were at full speed once I pushed the doors open and ran down the concrete steps, missing the other students. They looked at me tlike I was some crazy lunatic, but I still ran for my life. This was my only chance to get away from here.

Thank God she's fat. She can't run that fast then.

Ha-ha, I am mean.

Catching my breath, I stopped in front of the wire fence, looking around for Georgie. Good, I couldn't see her. She wasn't near me at all.

Proud of myself, I pulled out my iPod, sliding the earphones into my ears. My mom was picking me up today, so I had to walk across the street and straight on.

I crossed the street, making sure all the cars stopped moving. The sun shown through the clear sky, getting its heat rays to bounce off my skin, causing a tan to grow. (Whoa... that was fast. She couldn't just have tan skin in few seconds.)

Yes, once again I will say this, it's finally Summer.

Jogging down the street, I tried to make it to the bus stop. It would be coming in about three minutes (hey, how would she know?) and I needed to get on it. (Wait. I thought her mom would be picking her up from school? Oo)The heat was killing me and it reached ninety five degress Fahrenheit today (As before, try not giving your readers any specific amount of time or measure. This would lead me to imagine herself bringing a thermometer. ^^), so I wanted and really needed to get onto the airconditioned bus.

I pushed past some Chicago High School students (my school) and kept on running ahead. My brother was probably there, waiting for me and the bus.

He said he'd wait for me so I hope he didn't just break the promise.

I reached to the bus stop, a couple of people sorounding it. My brother was standing in the shade of an oak tree, playing on his iPod.

"Heyo!" I greeted him.

No reply. No wonder.

His earphones were stuffed in his ears with the volume on high, I could even hear Eminem rapping him the answers to his test. (I lol'd at this, but it could've been written better.)

So, I walked up to him, pulling out his earphone.

"Heyo! Maybe your little sister would want a reply you know..." I said.

Rolling his green eyes, he put his earphone right back in.

"Uh..." I grunted.

The bus drove up to us so we hoped in, driving home getting the air condition to soothen our crazy teenage minds.




Hmm. Not bad for your first chapter, but there were just instances that threw me off a little bit. Grammar wise, you need to choose words that best describe you sentences or words that really fit into any phrases. If you have noticed from the nitpicks above, I've corrected some of your misspellings and substitute words here and there. And you need to work on your punctuations, there were some times that you have placed a lot of ellipses.I'm not really going to talk about more of this since you can just check on my nitpicks for a better explanation or understanding.

Let's move on to your characters. Mitchie is mean. And I know you want us to hate more Georgie, but the way you have delivered her thoughts and expressions were really rude at sometimes. She has compared her so-called friend to a pig,but I don't know why she do. You have failed at showing how Georgie is like this and looks like that. So the result would come out as feeling more sympathy to Georgie and less on Mitchie. I know you want your main character to sound mean or act like mean, but you got to show sufficient informations on Mitchie's environment. If you want your readers to hate Georgie like Mitchie, try convincing us in a better way. This also concerns about the voice of your main characters. Make it more real and casual.

You need to build more of the atmosphere, Nike. Sometimes, I only have this little place for imagination of the story. Try showing more. We want to feel like we are really in a school, not just in a corridor or in a hallway. It seemed as though the connection between her and I is very small. Like I can just anywhere because the story tends not to be so much interesting. So dig deeper. And oh, Introduce your main character to us.


Overall, this story has potential. You just need to turn on the windshield for us to get a better view of your story. And you remember that first chapters are what motivates your readers to read the upcoming chapter. Let me know if you have any questions.


Keep writing,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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please let me know when you post chapter 3!
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


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My dislikes:

1) Why didn't Mitchie just slap Georgie across the face as hard as she could? Honestly, if she hates her that much, then why hold back?

2) You made Mitchie sound like a total airhead teenage that refuses to do anything "uncool" at the beginning. She just wasn't interesting.

3) It seemed kind of...empty between where she ran away and found her brother. I was expecting something more interesting, or at least filling, there. Something that kind of leads into the rest of the story. Like, if there's a creepy old guy (to be cliche) in the story later on, Mitchie could see him or run into him, and have kind of half-sirens go off in her head. It's sort of overused, but there must be a reason why it's overused, right?

My likes:

1) The basic storyline. I say that so much, but there really aren't any story ideas that aren't good because everyone's original. Anyway, I am a sucker for romance, so that definitely caught my attention.

2) The annoyance of Georgie. It sets the foundation of maybe (if you want to go creepy mystery story) something like The Roommate.

Keep writing! :]
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It was kind of boring to tell you the truth but that's just me. It was very dull from description and Mitchie is very......plain. Also, is that her real name? I'm not trying to be mean but you should edit this! :) I mean, what's the point of this? Is it a love story or just a plain story? Make some stuff clear :)
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