A gift from hell

Katrina you have done your duty,
Satan has erected your call.
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding.

Gustav is on its way,
hiding will do you no good
you will run out of time
when satan blows his whistle.

Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning.
If you tamper with satans rules
he will strike with all his might.

EmmaSweetie100 wrote:Katrina you have done your duty,
Satan has erected your call
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding

Gostav is on its way
you had better hide my friend
you run out of time
when satan blows his whistle

Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning
to get away from this place
get away and stay away

Very nice and definitely a good poem for the recent events. Good subject ( I would have never thought of this!) and gives a nice look into your views on hurricanes (They come from hell..) Only one error I saw.

"when satan blows his whistle"

Satan is capitalized.

Good job over all! Can't wait to read more!

Hello!

We've met before, haven't we? Well, welcome to YWS anyway. Hope you're settling in. It's great to see a lot of new poets treading these boards.

Now, onto the poem. It's a whopper, isn't it? I love, love the way it's about real life events. Big tick from my box. It's topical and it's easy to read. I especially love this line:

Rain as hard as nails

At first I immediately thought- oh no, it's another cliche, but then when I really thought about it and read the next lines, it really drove home the image of hard rain pouring from the heavens as a warning, almost like a nail physically 'driving' people out of their home.

The theme is well done. The likeness to the hurricane come from the gods so to speak- or from the devil is very biblical, which of course conjures all sorts of images into one's head- the world ending, the great flood in which the arc was erected. A lot of food for thought and a wide span of perspectives can be used here.

I also like the way you showed more than you told. I don't need to elaborate on that- you knew how to do it, and you did it. Excellent.

The last lines are good:

get away and stay away

Of course, if I let you completely off the hook I wouldn't be a very fair reviewer. Poetry with no punctuation is unacceptable. So put in those full stops and commas, and you'll see the difference in how your work looks and is received. Remember, the reader cannot hear your physical 'voice' so you must use all the visual effects you can- e.g. structure, punctuation- the poetic devices such as alliteration, dramatic irony, personification ect.

Rant over,

Well done!

Love,

Eimear

i liked this poem, though it could use a little touching up. i really like the idea (though it is spelled Gustav, not Gostav). your poem is a dark story, make it that way. the way you wrote it makes it a little to light. the story is cruel and sad. make us (the readers) feel that.

EmmaSweetie100 wrote:Katrina you have done your duty,
satan has erected your call. (i really like the way you worded this.)
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding . (this doesnt make to much sense and is missing emotion.)

Gostav is on its way,
you had better hide my friend. (i dont feel or get anything from reading this part)
You run out of time (you WILL run out of time???)
when satan blows his whistle.

Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning,
to get away from this place,
get away and stay away. (your ending is not strong. it feels like it was just a quick way for you to wrap it up and it gives no justice to the subject which you describe. put some creative emotion into this ending. its an evil tail. make this ending count!!)

you have great potrntial and your subject topic is a great idea. just play with the words a little. look forward to seeing what you can do. i believe in you!!! feel free to PM me with any questions!

i think i love this poem and it's nice use of good phrases.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Katrina you have done your duty,

satan has erected your call.

Now in the fiery depths of hell

the crowd is expanding.



Gustav is on its way,

hiding will do you no good

you will run out of time

when satan blows his wistle



Rain as hard as nails

is simply a warning,

if you tamper with satans rules

satan will strike with all his might


i believe it is a nice poem and an intresting one.

wistle- whistle.

thanks

Let me see. Good poem.

Katrina(,) you have (had) done your duty,
satan (Satan) has erected your call.
Now(,) in the fiery depths of hell(,)
the crowd is expanding.

Gustav is on its way,
hiding will do you no good(.)
you(You) will run out of time(,)
when satan (Satan) blows his wistle (Whistle,)

Rain as hard as nails(,)
is simply a warning,(This should be a period)
if (If) you tamper with satans (Satan's) rules(,)
satan (This should be 'he') will strike with all his might(.)

Well, it was good. Well done.

Good luck.

The punctuation has pretty much been taken care of (though that's no where near my strongest area anyway).

Anyhow, this was a good piece.
It had a nice flow and rhythm about it.
The concept is wonderful.
It's a great view of what is (or was) going on.
I never could've come up with anything like this.

Beautiful job. The capitalization of Satan and spelling of whistle is all that I caught, and they were strictly minor issues.

Keep up the good work!


-Jocelyn.

"Katrina you have done your duty,

Satan has erected your call.

Now in the fiery depths of hell

the crowd is expanding.



Gustav is on its way,

hiding will do you no good

you will run out of time

when satan blows his whistle.



Rain as hard as nails

is simply a warning.

If you tamper with satans rules

he will strike with all his might."


Pretty cool. Couple thoughts though: first, just on grammar, you capitalize Satan once but then forget the next two times. I know sometimes such things are done for stylistic purposes, but I feel like that's not the case here.

A call can't be erected, it can be answered, enacted, taken up etc. but erected denotes building something. Different word maybe?

Why are the people killed in these storms going to Hell? What have they done to deserve such a judgment? Also, I feel like Satan has more bad ass ways of calling a storm than by blowing a whistle. No conjuring or conducting or anything?

Cool poem though, very relevant subject matter, and interesting way of approaching it. Nice job!

hmm... um... cool