A Hurting Heart

Hello there,

I certainly liked this great piece of writing. The descriptive words included in this were all outstanding and all the different stanza's were very tidy and organized. I really loved reading the first and second stanza's because they were just generally very beautiful and passionate. One small thing I would recommend is instead of putting some of the words in capitals I would instead put them in italics or emboldening them because it just looks neater and more professional. Except for that though I have no criticism. Good writing!

From CuteJackRussell

Hi there! I think this is a lovely poem, very passionate and sweet. I can really feel the genuine emotion in it. I know the feeling expressed here, so I can really relate to it. But enough about me, let's get to details....

I did not know who you were,
But I couldn’t stop myself,
From feeling the ache and sadness,
That you must have suffered.

This is a really good stanza here. It portrays the narrator's empathy for the other person beautifully, and you can really feel that he/she wants to help the person a lot. Beautiful language, well done.

I wanted to wound my arms,
Around your shaking body.
To abrade all your worries,
And make you forget that SOMEBODY.

I believe the proper word here is wind (minor detail), but you could use some other word if you want. Or leave it as it is. I also really like the expression of this stanza. Like all you want to do is make that person forget whoever caused their pain. I also think it would be more effective if you italicized that word in caps. Just looks a little neater. Still a very good passage.

I started walking towards you
To let you know,
That I wanted to be that SOMEONE,
And you weren’t just ANYONE.

Love love LOVE this last passage! Especially the last two lines. It really gets across the words of the narrator, like 'hey, you're not just anybody, you're important to me.' And that emotion feels very genuine and true. You have a great balance of emotion and imagery in this stanza, as well as the whole poem. It really is very good.

Overall, very effective use of language, and very powerful emotion. I can sense the passion emanating from the words. Keep up the good work, and if you ever want another review, or an idea or kind word, you're more than welcome to drop me a line! I'm always happy to review any kind of anything.
- SOCKS

Hi Rooh! ^^ Here to review.

First of all, I'm going to say that the poem was okay, but it wasn't great either. As far as I can tell, you have a decent theme going for you. You don't have too many cliche phrases, you've made the emotion clear and it's not too excessively angsty. All should be well. Unfortunately, there is definitely something missing from the poem.

What's missing is something vital to almost all poetry ever created - imagery. A huge rule of poetry is show, dont' tell. You obviously have the emotion here, but don't tell it - take it out, examine and prod at it. Find fresh images, different ways of showing us this emotion.

Here, for example:

I did not know who you were,
But I couldn’t stop myself,
From feeling the ache and sadness,
That you must have suffered.

Here, you told us exactly what was wrong. Key word being tell. I want you to try to show us what's wrong. Don't tell us that we're crying, that we're sad, that we want to help, that we're in pain - etc. Poke at it a little bit until you can grasp an image that shows us, or that implies that it's showing us what's wrong.

Without imagery, poetry tends to be extremely dry, and usually quite boring to read. This is one of those cases. Even if you have a good idea in your head, the lack of imagery makes the poem lack depth and feeling - which, in turn, causes your reader to lack interest in what you're trying to say or get across. It's a beautiful aspect, but you need to work with it a bit more.

Aside from that, I wanted to point out your rhyme scheme that wasn't really much of a rhyme scheme. Usually, I hate rhyme schemes or all sorts when I'm reading poetry - there are very few that I like. There are actually some rhymes in this poem that I liked - they sounded natural and they flowed well. But, you changed your rhyme scheme repetedly throughout the stanzas. There are a couple of stanzas that don't even have a rhyme scheme at all. I'd just give that a quick go-over and see what you want to to do with it.

Anyways - this poem has a lot of potential, it really does, you just need to work with your aspect and use some imagery to get what you're sayinga cross in a way that's... less dull.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Sorry! I accidentally posted my review twice! :3 I don't think there's a delete button...
SOrry for the inconvenience! Yours, Pen

Hello! I like the concept behind this poem, but some of your words were inaccurate. Take a look:

Spoiler

You were standing in the shadow,
Gazing at the illuminating stars.
Your face was filled with grief,
And my heart was filled with abhor. {–verb (used with object), to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion; detest utterly; loathe; abominate.}

I did not know who you were,
But I couldn’t stop myself, {rhythm is off here}
From feeling the ache and sadness,
That you must have suffered.

I wanted to wound {–verb (used with object) to inflict a wound upon; injure; hurt.} my arms,
Around your shaking body.
To abrade all your worries,
And make you forget that somebody.

In that sad {be a little more descriptive here, sad isn't really the word I would choose.} moment,
I remembered the day,
When I couldn’t stop my tears,
And needed someone to wash them away.

I started walking towards you
To let you know, {rhythm is off here}
That I wanted to be that someone,
And you weren’t just anyone.

Overall, you did a good job. Suggestions:

Look up a word before you use it
Check your rhythm pattern

Look at the words you used inaccurately:
abhor- to detest or hate.
You used it to signify sadness, pity, and/or curiosity.
wound- to injure; harm.
You used it to signify someone wrapping their arms around someone.

Also, make sure that you plan a rhythm pattern. This could be A,B,A,B. Or A,B,C,B. Or A,A,B,C. It could really be any number of things, but be sure to count your syllables. This is actually incredibly important. If you don't make your poem have some kind of rhythm, it is simply a paragraph with skipped lines here and there. Example:

Spoiler

You were standing in the shadow gazing at the illuminating stars. Your face was filled with grief and my heart was filled with abhor. I did not know who you were but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling the ache and sadness that you must have suffered. I wanted to wound my arms around your shaking body. To abrade all your worries and make you forget that somebody. In that sad moment, I remembered the day when I couldn’t stop my tears and needed someone to wash them away. I started walking towards you to let you know that I wanted to be that someone and you weren’t just anyone.

See? Rhythm is everything.

You have a great concept, and a beautiful idea. With a little work, this poem could be great! PM me if you have any questions, concerns, complaints, etc. I'm here to help!
Yours, Pen

Awe, I really enjoyed this poem. I could definetly feel the emotion in this poem. It had a very sad tone to it. Great work! There was also some great imagery in the poem. Here were two parts that I really enjoyed and was able to envision:

You were standing in the shadow,
Gazing at the illuminating stars.
Your face was filled with grief,
And my heart was filled with abhor.

Great opening stanza. It really drew me in, and the imagery was beautiful. (:

and

I wanted to wound my arms,
Around your shaking body.
To abrade all your worries,
And make you forget that somebody.

This is also perfect.

There were two stanzas were the flow wasn't really right:

I did not know who you were,
But I couldn’t stop myself,
From feeling the ache and sadness,
That you must have suffered.

This stanza does not rhymne, which interupts the nice flow you had going.

and

I started walking towards you
To let you know,
That I wanted to be that someone,
And you weren’t just anyone.

The last two lines rhymne, but it doesn't follow the pattern you had throughtout the poem. Maybe you did this purposely, to make it stand out more, but I think you should stick with the pattern.

Overall, lovely poem. I enjoyed it! (:

nice one.. this line im kinda relate to it 'And make you forget that somebody'

keep it up.

Hello there. :3
It is a good poem you have here. But it just needs some editing and it will be “awesome”. You need to add more imagery to your stanzas. Some had a bit of imagery like the first stanza but the others totally lacked imagery. You use good words but only using good words won’t do the trick.
Some nitpicks for you:

ChocolateMoonLight wrote:I did not know who you were,
But I couldn’t stop myself,
From feeling the ache and sadness,
That you must have suffered.

This total stanza was out of flow and especially the last line. It just did not feel good. Try this as the last line: That you could have suffered. ‘Must’ feels a bit too rushed and forced. And the comma after the second line makes the reader make a sudden stop. There should be no pause between the second and the third line. Remove the comma from the second line.

ChocolateMoonLight wrote:I wanted to wound my arms,
Around your shaking body.
To abrade all your worries,
And make you forget that somebody.

After reading the first line over here, the first thing that came to my mind was about the wound. I thought that you were talking about the wound, like injury and stuff. So it does not suit there. It would just confuse the reader and waste the reader’s time on differentiating between the wound, that is curling around and the wound, which is injury.

ChocolateMoonLight wrote:In that sad moment,
I remembered the day,
When I couldn’t stop my tears,
And needed someone to wash them away.

You could add a bit more imagery to this stanza. Just plain simple words do not do justice to a poem which consists only of raw emotions. As Isha said, you need to start using more imagery because it’s the key to a poems success.

ChocolateMoonLight wrote:I started walking towards you
To let you know,
That I wanted to be that someone,
And you weren’t just anyone.

The last two lines tend to confuse me. So many ones! Try using something other than someone and anyone there. You already used someone once in one of the previous stanzas. And the rhythm went off in the second as it is smaller compared to the other lines.

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.