Love in the rain

Chapter one


I woke up an hour earlier than normal. I had the strangest feeling I was being watched. I had only been in this god forsaken town for a week and every day since Tuesday I had woken up early with this feeling the prickling on the back on my neck and my body freezing up in fear. I laid back down on my cool green sheets and tried to sleep, after that failed I got up and started gathering clothes for another day of Hell High, as I called it."I don't understand why I was sent here in the first place," I muttered to myself as I walked to the bathroom. I did know why, my father had got remarried to a nice girl about two times younger than him and they were on there honeymoon. So me, the unwanted extra was sent to South Carolina. A little state full of bugs rain and the color orange.

Fifteen minutes later I was out of the shower and downstairs with my thick damp dark brown hair hanging limply over my shoulder. "Mom when am I going home?" I said trying and failing to look as if I didn't really care.

"Um, not sure sweetie, maybe the end of this month." My mom replied not looking up from her book "Or you could spend the rest of the school year here or maybe even live here" She said . Yeah right I thought to my self while I rummaged though a box of granola bars for my favorite one, Peanut butter.

"I'm leaving" I said when I found it, I pulled on my favorite shoes that remined me of the sun and rushed out the door. When I was in the car after rushing through the rain, I moped, "I miss California,I miss the sun,I miss home."

At Carolina High I walked to my first class. I looked up at the sign before walking in 'GYM' was in red letters like blood. I hated P.E here at my old school I was okay, sporty even. Sure I never joined any teams but I had always been elected team leader for games and we usually won. But no one here picked me, I was just the new girl. The odd one who liked to wear plain clothes and bright yellow Vans. The one who would't talk to people and shot down every attempt at friendships,not there had been many.

Today was dodge ball nobody from the opposing team aimed at me because they knew I could dodge it so every one from my team took on the game while I kinda of stood out .

After class I hung behind in the locker room to get dressed. Just as I pulled my shirt on a boy walked in. I looked up at a teenagers face he had longish brown hair and dark green eyes . "He`s so cute ", Was all I could think but then remembered "No ties to anyone" It would just make it harder when I left. "Hey, am I in the wrong locker room?" He said with a smile "Cause if I'm not I think I'm going to like this school, Sams the name by the way.

"Hi I`m Mari,and yeah the boys locker rooms are across the Gym ." I said shyly when I relized I was staring at him

" I have to go". I said and rushed out.

Four hours later school was done due to the minimum day, I ran out the school holding my hood down "Oh no"I whispered as Sam walked toward me as I got in my car "This is not good timing"

"Mari!" I heard him shout from five cars down. I turned to face him

"Hi Sam"I said when he got to me.

" Hey Mari" Then just stood there

"Sam it is raining so if your done I am going to go" I got in the car he just stood there "Bye Sam?" I said not sure , he said nothing so I shut the door and looked at him his face had started to get red and he was now looking at his feet.

At home I thought it over and either Sam is a weird robot that shorts out in the rain or maybe he was messing with me me."Ugh ,"I said out loud.

Chapter Two

The next day was Friday so I was happy. It just added to my happiness that there was was no feeling of being watched this morning. I got up early (on purpose) and cooked mom's breakfast eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Then I went on a drive before school and as I was passing the woods I got that feeling of being watched the hair on the back of my neck stood on end . I checked my mirrors, there was nobody there, of course there was nobody there. I started to freak out, this was just getting too weird I had to be imagining it. I started to turn around, I could have swore I saw someone,I stomped on the brakes my car squealed. When I looked again the woods were just trees and a adorable little rabbit. I turned around and went to school.

At school, Sam started talking to me

"Sam I am sorry,but I have to go to class ." He gave me a sad smile

"See you ,"He said

"Uh oh"I said under my breath.

"What is that " He asked

"Oh, I said see ya" I lied with a smile and rushed to my class. At lunch I went and sat alone,in the same table as always,but this time a boy came and sat down next to me with out saying anything.He had intense blue eyes and black hair (the shade I wished for my hair to be ) .He was really cute but kinda weird acting. I finished my salad and book without ever talking to him and started to leave "Wait" he said I turned around. "Yes" I replied.

"What's your name?"

"Mari," I answered shifting my book and empty salad tray to one arm and holding out my hand. "what's yours?"

"Ronald" Was his only reply.

"Are you new?" I asked thinking he could have transfered here about the same time as Sam did.

"In a matter of speaking yes, I`m not as new as you but I`m newer than say my sister Maylayssa," He gestured toward a girl with long layered brown hair with dyed blue bangs. "She has been here all year," He finished when she smiled and waved to him.

Later that day at home I was thinking about my day "Ow!" I yelled and sweared under my breath as the knife I was using to chop bellpeppers slid across my finger drawing blood.

Mom rushed in,"What is the matter hon?" She said

"I just cut my finger" I said as I rinsed it off in the sink. Mom finished the food and I grabbed my jacket. "Mom I am going out!" I yelled into the kitchen. I started up the car and drove to the mall. I hated shopping, but I needed some new clothes and shoes. As I was driving, I looked out the passenger window at a red light, next to me was Ronald. Of course because every other weired thing had happened to me. He was in a cute black car. He is really hott I thought to myself who am I kidding he is beautiful. He picked that moment to look out the window, I looked away as fast as I could, but I think he caught me staring. When I dared to glance back he looked like he was ginning.

I found the mall fifteen minutes later, after driving in a circle. "Man!" I shouted, as I pulled in the first thing I saw was Ronald. I didn't even know him and I think I was starting to like him this was going to end badly, I could tell.

I pulled down my hood (even though the sun had come out finally today), and hoped he could not see me. I got in to the mall unnoticed ,I walked around for awhile before finding a shoe store. I went, I looked at the shoes off to the side and kept walking forward. Then "BAM!" I ran into a person, and looked up from the floor and saw it was in fact Ronald's back of all the luck. He reached out his hand to help me up "Thanks," I said taking it "and sorry for running into you" I blushed then rushed out the store without buying anything.



Chapter three



The next day at school, Ronald came to sit by me again. I didn't even care if I was starting to like him any more. We talked a little bit about the history essay we had, then I got up to leave, but before I did he stopped me "Mari would you like to go to Myrtle beach with me?" I looked out the window and sighed because of the rain. "So, you don't want to go?" he asked.

"No, I do,it is the rain."

"You don't like it?" he asked

"No I hate it". I said sighing

I changed the subject "So when do you want to go to the beach?"

He cringed and put his hand to his head as if he`d been hit.

"Oh yes about that I have to cancel. Bye" and he got up and rushed out the lunch room.

I sat at my table stunned "Well that was weird" I said to myself

"What is weird?" I heard from behind me. I turned around and saw Sam looking at me ,

"Some boy that goes here."I said confused. How long had he been standing there?

I stood up,"Got to go" I mumbled walking away.

After school Sam was leaning against my truck."Oh, hey Sam" I said trying to be cheerful. He bought it "Hey,um I just wanted to know if you wanted, but if you don`t that is okay, but if you wanted to go to the beach with me?"

"Oh! Sam I am so sorry, but,um " I said trying to think of something I couldn't "Sure Sam,when?" His smile lit up his face and with his green outfit on he made me think of the star on top of a Christmas tree.

"How about this Saturday, the news said sun." He said still smiling.

"That would be great,thanks" I said
"Well bye" I d hopped in my car before he said anything else. On the way home I thought about this "I really don't like Sam" I said aloud "I do like Ronald though, but that is never going to work." What was with that thing in the cafeteria? I thought to myself, I was sure Sam heard the whole thing. I turned on the radio and tried to clear my head, but as soon as that started the feeling of being watched washed over me strong as I felt hot wind on the back of my neck . Breath? Of course not, I thought. Right? I reached slowly for my pepper spray but almost there I freaked out grabbed at it and sprayed without looking. I turned around after I pulled over to the side of the road , nothing. "Of course there is nothing, stupid town is getting to my head" I grumbled my car air was starting to sting my eyes so I rolled down the windows .

Hello dasiamari!!
Honestly, this is too short for me to fully review it. Perhaps try filling it out more?
Be sure to make a new paragraph after every bit of dialogue.
Also, make sure you use spaces between your commas and periods.
I hope you continue this story though.
I shall review this in great green!

She had the strange feeling she was being watched.You have past-tense words mixed with present-tense words. Try either: 'She had the strangest feeling she was being watched.' Or 'She had a strange feeling that she was being watched.' It's whatever you prefer.

She had only been in this god forsaken town for a week and every day since Tuesday woken up early with this feeling. Same problem here. Try: '... every day since Tuesday she woke up earlier than normal with this feeling.' Or: '...every day since Tuesday she was woken up by this feeling.'

...for another day of 'hell high' as she called it.

Hey, Dasiamari, Kaedee is here to review...I was drawn by your title, which literally dragged me into your story. Good job with that!
OK, I guess I will add some more things I saw besides what LittlePetRock pointed out.
First of all, here are some tips!

-Is this a prologue, chapter, or short story? It is obvious that this is not a short story though, but you must say this!
-Post more, as LittlePetRock said! There isn't really much to review here. The only times when most writers here post very little, is when they are writing a prologue, but generally even prologues aren't this short.
-When you finish a chapter, prologue, whatever, you don't want to end like this:

dasiamari wrote:She moped "I miss California,I miss the sun,I miss home,"

It sounds like something is missing in this sentence...like it isn't complete, because of the comma after 'home'. Or is that just supposed to be a period?

Nitpicks:

dasiamari wrote:Marietta woke up and hour earlier than normal.

Should be 'an' instead of 'and'.

dasiamari wrote:She had the strange feeling she was being watched.

I would say 'that she was being watched'.

dasiamari wrote:She lay back down and tried to sleep,after that failed she got up and started gathering clothes for another day of hell high as she called it.

Confusing sentence! Cut this into two. The second half of the sentence especially makes me scratch my head. Possibly I would say 'She tried to lay back down to sleep'.

dasiamari wrote:"I don't understand why I was sent here in the first place," muttered to herself as she waked to the bathroom.

Should be 'she muttered to herself'.'

dasiamari wrote:Her mom replied "I'm leaving" and she rushed out the door.

You don't need the 'she'.

dasiamari wrote:When she was in the car after rushing through the rain.

Who is 'she'? This also seems like an incomplete sentence. Why is the 'when' there?

Oh, also remember to always add spaces after your commas and periods.

Hope I helped! Keep on writing-

~KD

it was interesting but too short to review! you should type more 'cause you're good. just some grammer and spelling, what the writer's above me said. Watch what you are typing. Keep on writing Nike

Pretty cool story. I liked how you started out with the difficulty sleeping, (which had an effect on her mannerisms in the rest of the story (and causes suspicion as well). It's a nice direction, I do hope you continue.

I have to say may favorite line was her comment about how she felt she was being watched. I think that some of the earliest foreshadowing I've ever seen (if it is foreshadowing that is).

There are some mistakes though. Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions.

I had only been in this god forsaken town for a week and every day since Tuesday woken up early with this feeling.
perhaps "I had" could be place after Tuesday, it reads kinda awkward without it.

I lay back down and tried to sleep,after that failed I got up and started gathering clothes for another day of hell high as I called it."I don't understand why I was sent here in the first place," I muttered to myself as I walked to the bathroom.
Spacing

Fifteen minutes later I was down stairs. "Mom when am I going home?" I said trying and failing to make it look as I she didn't care.
That's supposed to be "if" right?

Fifteen minutes later I was down stairs. "Mom when am I going home?" I said trying and failing to make it look as I she didn't care."Um, not sure sweetie, maybe the end of this month." My mom replied "I'm leaving" and rushed out the door.When I was in the car after rushing through the rain,I moped, "I miss California,I miss the sun,I miss home."
Spacing

At Carolina High I walked to her first class.
Contradictory. I know you have been doing editing, and it can be hard to miss these. It would be "my first class."

I looked up at the sign before walking in, 'GYM' was in red letters, and the word sent fear racing down my back.

How could someone like me love P.E.? I was clumsy and the only sport she almost loved was baseball.
Same as above, "and the only sport I almost loved was baseball." Also, try a different expression for her feeling for baseball. Perhaps "I remotely liked was baseball"?

Today was Dodge ball[color=#FF0000], no one tossed any at her for fear of losing the game. [/color]
You might want to change "tossed any at her" to "tossed any at me".

Today was Dodge ball no one tossed any at her for fear of losing the game." Marietta!" the coach called from the side lines
quotes are in the wrong place, move them over a space.

the coach called from the side lines "uh oh"I thought to myself "coming coach!"
Both areas need a period and a comma, respectively. The period after "lines", and the comma after "myself". Also, spacing after "uh oh"

As I walked and stumbled over there a ball came right at my head, andall I could do to block it was to use my arms as a shield.
"Okay,"was my confused reply and I opened my mouth and she smelled my breath

" Your clean" she said confusing my further and started to walk away "Um coach" I called, "what was that for?" " Truth be told, some people on the staff thought you were coming to school buzzed because you stumble so much." My mouth fell open "Well you can tell the staff(I spit venom on the word) I do not drink, and ask them when has it become a crime to be clumsy. I tried to walk away with pride ,but tripped in the door way . A hand reached out to help, I looked up at a teenagers face he had longish brown hair and bright blue eyes . I took his hand. "Hi you must be Marietta" he said staring at me "

Just scan for errors, there are quite a few in this paragraph.

One final word of advice, when a new character starts talking, that warrants a new paragraph. The dialogue between Marietta and her mother could be split into a few paragraphs, and the exchange between Marietta and the coach could be split as well.

Otherwise good job! Indeed this sounds like a prologue, and I like it. The ending could use a little re-writing, but that isn't to say I like the direction of the ending. Perhaps an extra sentence could help?

Cool story.

Here's A quick review. First, it definitely was rushed. You used little detail which didn't keep me interested. If this was longer, I would have stopped. Besides that, I think you should try to describe the thoughts of Mari a little better to put finishing touches on the plot. Try to rewrite this and PM me if you do. I would like to see this with a little more effort.

No bad thoughts for south Carolina I lived there for a long time mari just does not like it.

To be honest.. I felt that this story.. was GOOD!!! But could be better..
I mean.. its in romantic short stories.. So we need a little more romancce-get me?!
Any way.. Have fun editing!!
Yours kakagirl X X P.S I'm following you!

Thanks every one read chapter 4!

This was written by my grandaughter so I am more than a little biased. I am very proud of her for her writing skills and her desire to share them with others. She is also a wonderful person all they way around.
It seems to me that she has received some very helpful feedback on this site and as her grandmother I thank each of u. She has lived with me in SC and so I know that this is just fiction but it is based on places she has lived, which helps give it a more realistic touch. A young person would have more difficulty writing about a place they had never been, even with extensive research.
I do wish she would write more about subjects that she has experienced (like living with two younger brothers) but I realize romance is a big issue in the teen years. Still a story about life with two boys would make for good reading and probably be hilarious. She would not have to use their real names and ages but could disguise them and it would make for great reading. Just a suggestion!
Keep writing Dasia, we are proud of you!

Hi, Dasia! I'll try to review this chapter by chapter. Grammar check for chapter one will be in the spoiler. It took me a while though, and a lot of the mistakes are just recurring grammar mistakes that I'm not sure you knew! So hopefully, you'll learn from my corrections and can apply them to later chapters when editing.

Chapter one

Spoiler

I woke up and an hour earlier than normal. I had the strangest feeling I was being watched. I had only been in this god forsaken town for a week, <== comma and every day since Tuesday, I have woken up early with this feeling. I lay laid back down and tried to sleep, [period instead] after that failed, <== comma I got up and started gathering clothes for another day of [i]hell high, <== comma as I called it.[/i]" [space] I don't understand why I was sent here in the first place," I muttered to myself as I walked to the bathroom.

Underlined -- A couple things here! First, why Tuesday? I hope we find this out later. She already said she's been here for a week, so does that meeean... today's Tuesday? And so she's been feeling like this since last Tuesday? And secondly, I feel like we should elaborate on this feeling! There's sooo much potential here in describing her mood and setting up a creepy atmosphere. If you were being watched, how would you feel? Probably panicked. Maybe curious or protective. Defensive maybe. The MC here would probably be panicked. Thus, mention shivers, racing heart, pumping blood/rise in blood pressure, or sweaty hands.

Italicized -- Capitalize this and/or put it in quotes! It'll add to the emphasis that it's the MC's title for school. ;D

Both -- So building on what I said earlier, if she's being watched and she's creeped out, it's not going to be so easy for her to just lay back down. It's going to take some coaxing before feeling relaxed enough. Also, if this feeling has been going on for a week, you should mention at some point (and, naturally, bring it up some more) her lack of sleep or paranoia. If this is waking her up early, then she's having a hard time falling asleep to begin with. And she's got some serious paranoia if she keeps thinking someone's watching her after a whole week.

Red -- I would hope she understood! Since I've read the rest here, I already know she drives. Which means she goes to high school. Which means she should know that she's here to get an education.

Fifteen minutes later, <== comma! I was down stairs downstairs. "Mom, <== comma! when am I going home?" I said, <== comma! trying and failing to make it look as if I didn't care.

[new paragraph]

"Um, not sure, <== comma! sweetie, [period instead] maybe the end of this month. [comma instead]" My mom replied. <== period!

"I'm leaving, <== comma!" I said and rushed out the door. [space] When I was in the car after rushing through the rain, [space] I moped, "I miss California, [period instead] I miss the sun, [period instead] I miss home."

At Carolina High, <== comma! I walked to my first class. I looked up at the sign before walking in. <== period 'GYM' was in red letters. <== period the word sent fear racing down my back. How could someone like me like P.E.? I was clumsy and the only sport I almost liked was baseball.

Underlined -- First, I'd like to mention the [new paragraph]. When a new person speaks, we generally start a new line/paragraph with them. That way, the reader doesn't get confused as to who's talking!

Italicized -- The rain is actually pretty important, so we might consider taking the time to mention she had to run through the rain. This is your chance for some characterization! She hates rain, so show us her expression or how she handles running through it. If she hates it so much, she'll probably fumble for her car keys to unlock the door. If she's clumsy, she might trip because she's busy shielding her eyes from the rain. See? So much potential!

Both -- Just wanted to say this was awesome!

Red -- Clumsiness isn't a good reason to not like PE. You can be clumsy and still have fun! She might just not be athletic. She might not like running around or exercising when she could really be reading or playing music or whatever she does for fun. (What does she do for fun anyway?)

Today was Dodge ball dodgeball. everyone from the opposing team aimed at me, <== comma! and every one everyone from my team tried to catch the balls aimed at me. <== comma! "Marietta!" the coach called from the side lines.

[new paragraph]

"uh oh, <== comma!"I thought to [Join paragraphs myself, [period instead] "coming coach!" As I walked and stumbled over there, <== comma! a ball came right at my head. <== comma! all I could do to block it was use my arms as a shield.

When I got to the coach, <== comma! the first thing she said was, <== comma! "Open your mouth please. <== period!"

[new paragraph]

"Okay," [space] was my confused reply. <== period! I opened my mouth, <== comma! and she smelled my breath. <== period

[new paragraph]

"Your You're clean, <== comma!" she said, <== comma! confusing my me further and started to walk away. <== period!

"Um, <== comma! coach[comma or exclamation point]" I called, [period instead] "what was that for?"

[new paragraph]

" Truth be told, some people on the staff thought you were coming to school buzzed because you stumble so much.[comma instead]" [space] She she said, <== comma! sneering. <== period! "I told them you just never learned to walk right."

My mouth fell open. <== period! "Well, <== comma! you can tell the staff(I spit venom on the word) I do not drink, and ask them when has it become a crime to be clumsy." I tried to walk away with pride ,[no comma] but tripped in the door way doorway.

Underlined -- This dodgeball scene has been used a lot, so be careful. Especially with everyone aiming right at the MC. Why are they all aiming at the MC? What has she done to deserve such attention? If she doesn't like PE, and thus hates being there right now, wouldn't she hide in the back? If people hate her so much, why does her team bother protecting her? She would be standing in the back, and if a ball is thrown at her, she probably wouldn't care getting hit once to just sit out the rest of the game. Something tells me, she won't be running around.

Italicized -- This is actually a very inappropriate time for the coach to be saying this. I'm not sure what your schools are like, but none of the teachers I've had would do this in the middle of class during school hours when their job would be at stake. Why would the coach/teachers be picking on the MC anyway? I'm still confused by what the MC did wrong to be hated so much, especially if she's only been here for a week. People hardly know her! For all they know, she's just shy. In addition too all of this, why would the coach ask this anyway? It's not like the MC is running around and stumbling over balls. Like I said, she'd just be standing there, which means there's no incentive for the coach to check her breath.

Both -- She seems to be a very defensive person, huh? xD This could land her a detention, especially when she walks out of class after saying this. Is that the type of person you want her to be? Also, if this is the first time she's heard this, wouldn't she be shocked? At least at first.

Red -- Ehh, I'm not sure about the parentheses! In fact, I highly recommend just italicizing the word "staff" since that's the common way to emphasize a word. The parentheses not only are still in quotes and are, thus, spoken, but they completely confuse the reader and slows the pace.

Green -- She's making an exit, so give this a little more description! She probably stormed or raced out. She'd be furious. Slamming doors, probably. Stomping her feet, growling, clenching fists, grinding teeth -- potential!

A hand reached out to help, [period instead] I looked up at a teenager's face. <== period! he had longish brown hair and bright blue eyes[close space] . I took his hand. "Hi, <== comma! you must be Marietta, <== comma!" he said, <== comma! staring at me. <== period!

"Just Mari, [space] and thanks for helping me up.[comma instead]" I said shyly. <== period instead! when he just stared at me, I thought about something else I had realized. [space] "Your hand is wet."

He looked down at it. <== period! "It is still raining out side outside, [period instead] that is why I am moving from this place as soon as I can.[comma instead]"[space] He he said with a half grin, <== comma] still staring at me. <== period I looked at the door to the gym. <== period " You weren't going in there, <== comma! were you? and And how did you know my name?" I said just to keep talking to him. <== period

Underlined -- Neat description, but it's not as important as it would be to mention the style of clothing, the expression on his face, or thoughts as to why he would be there in the first place when it's class time.

Italicized -- I know it's mentioned that the office told him about a new student named Mari, buuut not only has she been here a day or two already, the office wouldn't have shown him her face. That's not really his business. They'd be more concerned that he got his classes and understood the school.

Both -- Where else would he be looking? xD This makes him sound like a creeper when, in reality, anyone would be looking at the person.

Red -- Just his hand? xD He just ran outside. He'd be soaked! And the floor she once fell on face-first would have puddles of water.

Green -- He's moving 'cause it rains? xD That's pretty lame!

Blue -- Yup! I'm guessing he's abnormally polite, which you should probably mention!

Purple -- She does? She's right outside the gym. This is already taking a while, and she's in trouble. xD If he looks so dazzling and acts so polite, this should be said! This is the kind of description I'd be looking for rather than brown-haired/blue-eyed.

"Um, <== comma! yes, <== comma! I was going to, [space] and I know your name because we're both new here, <== comma and the lady in the office told me that, <== comma!" He he said.

[new paragraph]

I laughed. <== period! "Well, <== comma!] you can go in but Coach is going to kill you ,[period or colon or dash instead!] girls only. <== period boys are outside. <== period"

"So what is your name?" I asked even though I knew I should have walked away .

[new paragraph]

"Sam, <== comma!" he answered with a full grin.

[new paragraph]

"What is your first class?" I asked

[new paragraph]

" Well, <== comma!] it was Gym inside so I have to go to the office. [space]Wanna come?" He he said. <== period! I was about to say yes when I came to my senses. <== period! "No, <== comma! I have to go, <== comma!" I said and left.

Four hours later, <== comma! school was done, <== comma! and I ran out the school holding my hood down. <== period! "Oh no, <== comma!"I whispered as Sam walked toward me as I got in my car. <== period! this can not be happening. <== period! "Mari!" I heard him shout from five cars down.

[new paragraph]

I turned to face him. <== period! "Hi, <== comma! Sam, <== comma!"I said when he got to me.

[new paragraph]

" Hey, <== comma! Mari, <== comma" he said and Then just stood there. <== period!

[new paragraph]

"Sam, <== comma! it is raining, <== comma! so if your you're done, <== comma! I am going to go. <== period!" I got in the car. <== period! he just stood there. <== period! "Bye Sam?" I said, <== comma! not sure what he was doing. he said nothing, <== comma! so I shut the door and left .

At home, <== comma! I thought it over, <== comma! and I think decided Sam has had a crush on me."Uh Oh," [space] I said out loud.

Underlined -- What exactly did she laugh at? xD Laughing is a form of characterization. This shows who she is! And she's laughing at how the lady told him her name? *confused*

Italicized -- Whyyy will the coach kill him for coming to class? XD What kind of teachers go to this school?!

Both -- Right now, this sounds like an interview she doesn't care about. But she does care! This guy must be cute to keep her here for so long after walking out of class. (And I mean really cute.) I feel like some description or filler lines would be useful here.

Red -- This doesn't make sense to me. Class doesn't just cancel because of rain.

Green -- Again, this is your opportunity to describe how she's acting/feeling and what's going through her mind. Don't rush this chance!

Blue -- School only lasts five hours? D: I thought it had to be seven or eight.

Purple -- Wait. I thought she liked Sam? I mean, she laughed at him! Why is she dreading this? I don't get it. D: Cute And Polite guy is coming towards her!

Gold -- Whaaat. Is he a malfunctioning android? If not, then he would say something. Or do something. Or at least look something. He wouldn't just say hi then shutdown.

Pink -- But it's cute guy! Why is she snapping at him? D:

Orange -- Not only is Sam reeeally creeping me out (he's definitely an android! yup.), but this whole paragraph has felt so rushed, it makes your MC sound like a jerk. xD I don't think you're going for that impression. If you are, then well done! Otherwise, throw in more description and thoughts.

Yellow -- Why would she jump to this conclusion? Even if she did, wouldn't she just shrug it off? Unless she's had admirers/boyfriends before and knows how this works.

So far at this point, I feel your story is extremely rushed. A lot of your characters, including your MC, is very... cardboard. There's not much to them! Take the time to know what they like, what they don't like, what they wear, what they laugh at, what they do in their free time, what goes on in their heads -- there's a lot to know about characters before writing about them. And just because you know them doesn't mean the reader will! It's tricky but fun for the writer to try to make sense of your jumbled thoughts in an organized story for the reader. Crazy, right?!

Anything content-wise will already have been mentioned, so I'll move on to chapters 2 and 3!

Chapter Two

This chapter I found really funny. XD And that will be explained. Don't worry!

I'm starting to think your character is, like, telepathic or something. XD It's almost obvious that when she feels like she's being watched, she is. And this isn't that good! You can hint at answers like this, but you don't want to make it obvious. That's just not fun for the reader! Predictable stories are set aside unread. D:

I'm also still lost as to why she doesn't like Sam. xD

Okay. So why I found this funny! As far as the reader knows, Ronald only said hi. That's it! So why did the MC fall head over heels for this guy? XD Literally, too! She got one hello and the next thing we know, she's chopping off her fingers and knocking herself out on the floor. I'm not sure if she fainted? She can't have knocked herself out by running into him! He'd have to be a stone/steel wall, and she'd have had to be walking into it at, what, 100 miles per hour? This whole hospital thing is a mystery to me. XD

Also, this is still rushed! Take your time! ^_^

Chapter three

Another funny chapter!

Fiiirst, Mom is not going to walk out of the room because of some boy neither of them know. xD Mom will be very concerned about her daughter, and she'll get first dibs in talking to her. If Ronald had any respect, he'd leave the room to let them have some alone time. No one should ignore a worried mother when their daughter's... in the hospital. Yes.

I suppose it's polite for Ronald to be there, so I won't pick at that too much. Buuut he is creepy. Also, I'm not sure he'd actually frown when the MC, who is apparently a bad liar, lies. He'd probably find it funny if anything. xD

Another funny part. XD Ronald asks her to the beach one minute, and the next minute, he takes back his offer and leaves. xD Whaaat. I'm not sure what that's all about. It's definitely more than weird! xD Even funnier is that the next minute, she's talking to Sam as if she does like him and agrees to go to the beach with him. I am so lost with this love triangle. xD The MC loooves Ronald but is going to the beach with Sam whom she appears to highly dislike. Now maybe she's feeling lonely? But by the sounds of it, she's always alone and, I don't want to be rude to anyone, but wouldn't she be used to it? Wouldn't she be overwhelmed by this attention? This all happened in one day, honestly. It'd be like whiplash! She'd be confused and conflicted with what's going on.

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So! My overall thoughts. This is mostly just rushed. That's really the only issue! To fix this, you can build on characterization, description, and... well, that's it. xD Subplots are handy! She's new to this school, so prove it! Locker combinations, class locations, teacher names -- I just got to thinking, actually! Would teachers be spreading rumors about her after just a week? Nooo!

I have one ginormous worry though. This sounds an awful lot like Twilight, and as fun as that story is, you don't want to sound like you're copying it! So be careful with what you do here. If vampires and werewolves appear, that's probably a huge red alert that your story's in danger of cliche.

That's all I've got! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Also, if you need help with anything grammar-wise or content-wise, I'd love to help you out! It's the least I can do since I probably didn't explain myself very well. Don't feel overwhelmed or discouraged after my review though! Writing cliche stories based off our favorite genres is the first step to success in writing. Seriously! And I'd love to help you build on this story to make it your own if you wish.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there! Sorry it's taken so long to get here.

Okay, so pretty much all of my comments are general, not really chapter by chapter or anything.

I'm going to agree with Jabber that this is really rushed. We only get a glimpse at what she's feeling, and it's all very touching-the-surface - nothing too deep. And this may be because she's not very deep. Your characters have their own personalities, yes, but they're not very developed - either that or they are, and you're just not showing it to us.

I'd say, a lot of your problems would be fixed by you slowing this down, telling us about their background, maybe bits of their life. I'd also like some more description; tell us about the setting (other than that it rains and there's a beach), tell us about people's mannerisms and their actions, tell us about things she notices other than the very basic. Right now we're not getting a really solid feel for anything.

Don't get me wrong; you have some good bones here, but you need to build off of that - as is, it needs some work.

My last comment is strictly technical - your grammar is fairly bad. And not only that, but it's like you're not even trying. The spacing's messed up, the capitalization has some quirks, and there are just a lot of little things that shouldn't be there. You really need to read through this and at least correct the spacing - you have words combined and quotation marks off and such. Because how do you expect people to take your work seriously if you don't even take the time to read through it and fix the most basic of things?

Sorry if I sound harsh; I don't mean to - that's just sort of how I write.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

How awesome Dasia!
When I come back down the hill, if you'd like, I will help you correct any grammar and/or punctuation mistakes that may have been made. It always helps to have a proof reader to help locate the typo's....and I am like the typo police...lol!
I am supposed to be writing a book also, but I can't seem to figure out how to get it started. Maybe you can help me when you've finished with your's?
I think you're off to a wonderful start! Keep writing and I'll keep reading (it takes alot to keep me interested so, it must be good).

melody

I agree with all the comments about it being rushed. I also think there were not enough descriptive words and such. Your main character was very much like a camera honestly and I felt emotionally detached from her. Your dialogue errors were pretty much pointed out already but I found the story hard to follow because of the dialogue mistakes. Also, only include dialogue, characters, and events that will advance the story. Other than that, I thought your story was interesting and that you should continue writing it. I want to see how this story plays out. But don't rush and think about how Mari is feeling.