Red Dusk

This is the first thing I have written in a long time. I have had writers block so bad that I resorted to looking up prompts online to give me some inspiration. The prompt used for this story was taking walks by yourself. Please give me edits!!

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I drift along the side of a towering fence
wondering what is inside.
The wall is covered with an array of different colors
from vandalism.
It curses the acts
that go on behind the wall.

I come here often
to look at the words.
Each holding a story,
a message,
a concern.

Today I came
with a notebook and pencils
in hopes of capturing the essence of the wall.
I have been walking along the perimeter for an hour
trying to find the perfect word.
I lost count of how many corners I have rounded a few minutes ago,
but I know I haven’t returned back to the start.
I have not seen an entrance
which makes me think there is no way of getting inside.
But I know there are people within the barrier of the walls.
I know because I have heard the screams and bangs
I’ve seen smoke and lights at night.

The sound of a breaking stick
directs my attention to the woods behind me.
But when I look, there is no one there.
“It was just the wind”
I say to myself.

Pressing on, I continue looking for a word to draw.
Another snap forces me to turn around.
“Who’s there?”
I say, my voice shaking.
My eyes scan the woods for any abnormal movement.
Nothing is there.

Now my heart is crashing violently into my rib cage.
As I take a few more steps along the wall
I find a message written in bright red spray paint.
It is still wet,
I position myself in front of it
to read what it has to say:
DON’T MOVE,
TAKE A DEEP BREATH,
AND CLOSE YOUR EYES. . .
YOU WON’T FEEL A THING

This seems to be sort of a free-verse/prose-style poem rather than a short story. Wrong section? Or were the line-breaks intentional for a prose story?

I liked this in any case. I can't put my finger on just what it was that piqued my interest so much, but it did.

I think it might have been the atmosphere. This is a really short piece, but it somehow manages to pack a lot of atmosphere into very few words. Very nice.

For all its atmosphere, though, not much happens. What is this wall? What does it surround? What is that message supposed to mean? Is something actually going to happen to the narrator of the story? You left us on a brutal cliffhanger that just asks more questions than it answers. I mean, does this have significant meaning? What happens after this? Rather than being some sort of intriguing enigma, it just sort of makes the story feel unfinished. What happens next?

I did like the atmosphere and the way it sort of stuttered along with the line-breaks. It was quite effective in building up a mood. But story-wise, I was just left wanting more in the "this doesn't feel finished" way. A little more? A few more hints? Some sort of explanation, or hint, or something, as to what this all ties into?

Color me intrigued, but certainly not satisfied.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

I say it gives the impression that the main character was being followed. Surely someone was following him/her and wrote that message. I say keep writing for the sake of writing.

Geez, this is really unique! It just draws you into it.
I read it like 5 times 'cause it was so good!
I was thinking that i'd have something to criticize but I couldn't find anything that needed improving really. I liked the cliff hanger too but hated it at the same time, it really leaves me CRAVING more

-CookEmonster