from the wise

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I have eaten ghosts and they lay between my
teeth, my lips, between my fingers like quiet ivory rings--
elephant tusks are sharper than ever when you're
on the back of one, watching the ivory knives
sway in time with their metronomic steps;
their skin is gray and wrinkled, rippling under our hands
like a warm wind and we hold close, hoping
that we do not fall to dust as grandmother did,
reduced to old ceramic on the bookshelf
that still needs dusting,
still needs dusting since we moved in--

there is dust everywhere these days.
it leaks beneath the door, pours from the sky,
ship-shop of elephant feet on the dirt roads.
I can taste it behind my tongue, under my tongue,
and the words that she used to speak somehow resonate
in the quiet of my close-lipped mouth,
like an echo, like the pulse of an elephant heart.
"There is wisdom behind their ears, dear. Sometimes,
it you're quiet enough, you can feel it beneath your fingers."

fingers fumble to that quiet behind africa-map ears,
puncturing words to my throat before they are spoken,
a serengeti silence I know she is indulging, even now.
there is a spot, still and quiet from metronome steps,
quiet but for her dust-riddled words
where my own should have been.
"They say an elephant never forgets. But you see,
the wisdom is that he never truly knows."




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their skin is gray and wrinkled, rippling under our hands

It's hard to picture this because I am not sure if you mean the rings, the tusks, the knives. If its being held or not it's a bit unclear but good.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

Link to my will review for food thread: topic71713.html




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Umm..... Just wow. That's all I got.
Review unto others as you would have others review unto you.

Don't panic!

Also, Shino!




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Hey,

I think this is the first review I've ever given you, although I lurk your works (hey, that rhymed) often. I'm going to try a different way of reviewing for me, so sorry if it isn't very helpful or if I jump from one topic to the next. My comments will be in red.

Persephoneia wrote:I have eaten ghosts and they lay between my
teeth, my lips, between my fingers like quiet ivory rings-- I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by 'quiet ivory rings'
elephant tusks are sharper than ever when you're
on the back of one, watching the ivory knives I'm not sure I like the repetition of 'ivory'.
sway in time with their metronomic steps;
their skin is gray and wrinkled, rippling under our hands I think you could have described it better than 'gray and wrinkled', I liked 'rippling under our hands' though.
like a warm wind and we hold close, hoping
that we do not fall to dust as grandmother did, I like this.
reduced to old ceramic on the bookshelf
that still needs dusting,
still needs dusting since we moved in--

there is dust everywhere these days. I like the transition.
it leaks beneath the door, pours from the sky, I like 'leaks beneath the door'.
ship-shop of elephant feet on the dirt roads.
I can taste it behind my tongue, under my tongue,
and the words that she used to speak somehow resonate I have no idea who "she" is. Do you mean the grandmother or someone completely different?
in the quiet of my close-lipped mouth,
like an echo, like the pulse of an elephant heart.
"There is wisdom behind their ears, dear. Sometimes,
it you're quiet enough, you can feel it beneath your fingers." I like this too.

fingers fumble to that quiet behind africa-map ears, I love 'africa-map ears' but I noticed you use 'fingers fumble' as a description a lot. It's not neccesarily a bad thing, though.
puncturing words to my throat before they are spoken,
a serengeti silence I know she is indulging, even now. I like 'serengeti silence'.
there is a spot, still and quiet from metronome steps,
quiet but for her dust-riddled words I like 'dust-riddled words'.
where my own should have been.
"They say an elephant never forgets. But you see,
the wisdom is that he never truly knows." You always have the best endings. :)


I liked this but I wish I understood it a bit more. I *think* that the recurring 'she' in the story is the grandmother but I might be completely wrong. I like the title but I think it could have been a little better. You use really great language and the way you string words together really sparks the poem to life. You used the word 'quiet' six times within the entire poem, which I think is way too much. You've used it to describe things that don't make much sense to me like 'quiet ivory rings'. Also: I noticed that the ending of two out of three of your stanzas were quotes from the famous 'she'. Maybe use a quote to end the first stanza too? Overall, I really liked this.

Favorite line: 'fingers fumble to that quiet behind africa-map ears'

Grade: A

If you have any questions, shoot me a PM. :D

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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I love this piece, but I think Jasmine covered all of the issues (awwwww I wanted to fancy reveiw this.) So I just think that this is a lovely poem (I said lovely, that is serious). The imaginary is great and I can really see what's happening.

there is dust everywhere these days.
it leaks beneath the door, pours from the sky,
ship-shop of elephant feet on the dirt roads.


I seriously love this line (lines?). So I'm just going to say that this is a great poem and I am definetly going to like it (well, technically I already do, but....). Good Job! (Wow that's all I have for praise, I'm pathetic.) How about bella. (That would be italian. I'm not bringing up sparklyizerist people's girlfriend into this. It shall not be tampered with.)


-thestorygirl
Nella vita vi è la distruzione, desolazione nella morte, ma c'è speranza nella rivoluzione.




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Hey Persy! Okay, so I really REALLY liked this poem. It was a little bit difficult to understand at first, but if all poems were easy to understand no one would read them. The imagery in this is really good. I like how you refer to nature a lot. Like the ivory tusks and what not. Overall a solid piece that I really enjoyed =]
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)



The only distinction that makes one a hero is constantly fighting back your villain arc.
— RangerofIthilien