Brokenhearted

I was going to give you the key
the key to my heart
but you couldn't wait
you broke the lock
took everything and dissapeared
leaving me behind
empty and brokenhearted

Hmmm. This sounds like the first stanza to a longer song or poem. Heck, this could work as a chorus. Try to expand on what your feelings were when they broke your trust, what led up to that point, how he "broke the lock".

This is actually a very common theme to poetry/songs/etc, so be careful-- if you're going to use cliches, make them your own. (I actually like cliches and probably use them a lot, but other people have said similar things about them to me, so....)


I've found my best work comes when I simply put my emotions down on paper. Don't think too much, just start writing. You can erase/omit things later or as you go along, depending on your writing style.

What did you do when you were brokenhearted? Did you ever learn to trust again? I'm not sure if you're familiar with the Psalms, but they were literally Biblical poetry/songs. If you notice, most of them start out really dark, with someone (usually David) crying out, putting into words how lost and alone he feels, how everything seems to be going wrong in his life. At the end of the Psalm, though, the tone usually takes a turn for the happier. It's not that he realizes, "hey, things aren't so bad", it's that he goes, "Ok, here's what I'm gonna do." What are you going to do after this? Guard your heart more wisely? Hide? Trust again? I'm just throwing ideas out there, because I really think you should try to expand on this. (I know it's hard--I often get little bits of songs and go, "Now what?")

Overall, this was ok. I can still see your natural talent, but... this isn't your best work. It feels somewhat rough and unfinished, and I'd like to see more of it.

I don't really like the way you repeated key, for some reason. I dunno, it just seems like repetition isn't the best way to go here. That doesn't mean you should change it, it's just my impression.

I do like the "you broke the lock"-- that's not as cliche, I don't think. (I could be wrong, though, 'cuz I don't seem to have a nose for cliche things. X3) It's a good imagery of a betrayal of trust.

I liked this a lot, short and to the point. Although in general it is something of a cliche, as anime said "breaking the lock" isn't a cliche which was quite nice. It was an unusual take on a standard topic. I do agree also with anime that this could be a part of a larger poem, but it also does stand alone. Actually, I could picture it as the opening to a book or a chapter of a book.

I really like this. It reminded me a lot of me in away and its really good, your really good.

Okay, so, that was brief.

Expand it with more about the speakers problems. This really just seems like a first stanza of something that could be much much more.
With it being as it is now, I can't seem to get into the poem, becuase I can;t get into the emotions of the speaker. Expand on those feelings and how it felt to be 'empty and broken hearted' (that is my favorite line.

Good luck on your future writing endeavors
~WickedWonder

This is awesome sauce. Okay, in the begining, when you say the key twice, I think some punctuation of some sort needs to he put there to further separate them. the line break just does not seem to he enough. I loe the metaphore here of B/E to someone coming and using up your love. I love how you avoided complicated words, because that emphasises the blunt force of your flood of (or lack of) emotion. You hammered this nail right on the head. The word choice is powerful and connecting, the word placement is flowing and rhythmic. Like someone else said, it could be a song if you wanted. I really love this, qaralynn. Good job.

_ very short poem but you expressed the idea clearly.
_ well, just my opinion, but I think you should've made this longer so that you could've described every emotion I was expecting this to be dramatic in an exaggerated way (that's what a heavy drama is, right?) I just wish that I've read how hard the character have cried or suffered when the "lock" was broken.
_ Over-all, 99 percent.

[marie <3 jim]

Hello there. I actually am not good with making good reviews when the piece is this short and when there is nothing much to nitpick xD, so I don't think I can help much with this review. Also, I think others have probably already mentioned what I'm gonna say so please forgive me for echoing.

On with the review:

I think punctuation can help improve this poem. Capitalization too. Those two can help make this small poem become a 'big' small poem if you get what I'm saying. In other words, I think it will make more impact on the reader with punctuation and capitalization. They will also help clean up the poem for the readers.

The things that make this poem stand out are its shortness and straightforwardness. The problem with this poem's shortness though is that it made the emotion go up and down. But I don't think it's necessary to make this poem longer. You just gotta add more things that can help show the emotion in the poem like pauses (which comes along with punctuation) and some imagery.

Anyway, I caught one typo: [quote]took everything and dissapeared[quote]
- Typo: 'disappeared'

If I'm gonna be so tough on this poem, I would say that this is only a draft and not a finalized poem. (Peace ) First, you had a typo. I mean, where did you write this poem? Typing it in a word processor with a spell checker is easy. YWS also has a spell checker. Second is the lack of emotion. You could've thought about the poem longer before you submitted it. (But anyway, that is one thing reviews are for, right? XD Most of the time, I submit things here even though the piece could still use some more 'personal' revisions before finally submitting.)

Never stop writing!

This is great and shows a lot of emotion!!!

I really liked the metaphor you incooperated into this poem. It's simple, effective and really powerful. The metaphor also made an abstract idea (love) into something physical, something that we can see (a lock). Well, that was how it came across to me.

However this struck me as a bit short, but, I don't think that's a big problem really. Although, I'd like to see you expand on it. Tell us, what happens after he left the narrator? Did the narrator ever found someone else? Also, maybe you can put emotion into it. At the moment, I think it's a bit rigid. You're telling us this happened, this happened and this happened. Which is good, but I think it could be better if you changed it to: this happened, I was happy/sad/excited. Or something. Put emotions into it.

I also, like how you repeated 'the key' on the second line. I think that's because it reinforces the metaphor and really drove the point across. Well, overall, short and sweet. Beautiful metaphor. I think you wrote the poem really well. Keep it up!

Great job, I loved this. Yeah, I kind of agree with one of the reviews before mine. The topic of using the key to your heart is very cliche. But, i really liked the second part of your poem, and how you said they took EVERYTHING. Really describes how it feels. But, in the end, you realize that your heart can be filled all the way back up again. For me, love is worth the risk. Although it might end really badly, everything in between, or even JUST the beginning was love.

Beautiful. It is short but it says so much. It had I felt like it was a little bit short but I still felt the emotions that you were trying to express.This is beautiful keep writing.

I liked this a lot. =] It was short and to the point. Another reason I really liked this piece is because I could relate to it a lot... my ex gave me a necklace, a little heart with a key hole, he had the key... it made me think about that a lot. Made me think about how he sort of up and left after taking everything that I could possibly have given him. It makes me hurt... but that's what good poetry is supposed to do, inflict emotion until its becomes a physical concept. Keep it up Qar =]