Tormented Thoughts in n Insane Girl's Brain

ALLAEEAAHHHOOOOOHHH! ALLAEEYUUUUHHHH!

"I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home!"

The sweetest whisper, the softest sound. A roaring thunder, crash to the ground. V

"That's why I cry, when angels deserve to die."

Come, hear me weep, screaming our for you! The bass drums beat, quicken your feet, dance like fire in your soul.

"Maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin'. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'."

Clenching my hair, whipping my head. Clawing my face untill I drop dead!

"Let's start a riot, a riot! Let's start a riot! A riot."

When you fall in love, you pray that you will fly, but you plummet to the groung, aching for the sky.

"You are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry, clementine."

I'm not even going to try reviewing this. :\

Haha! This poem made me smile =) Love the way the quotes you used fitted together well. Nice keep it up

Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh???????????????????

It has great expression, but... If I sound harsh, please, I apologize in advance.
I have no idea what this poem is supposed to mean or anything. It is very hard to follow and there are no central points. I get that the thoughts are supposed to "trail" but they should at least have some correlation.

ALLAEEAAHHHOOOOOHHH! ALLAEEYUUUUHHHH!

What? girls think this way? I want to know what this part meant.

"I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home!"

From where? This sentence got me ready to think about a girl coming home from a trip or something. and then...

The sweetest whisper, the softest sound.

What is?

A roaring thunder, crash to the ground. V What? I thought we were talking about a soft sound?

"That's why I cry, when angels deserve to die."

Where did angels come from. I don't think that people's thoughts wander randomly this fast.

"Maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin'. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'."

Dead people? Where?

Clenching my hair, whipping my head. Clawing my face untill I drop dead!

Are we dancing now? lol.

"Let's start a riot, a riot! Let's start a riot! A riot."

... How did this happen?

When you fall in love, you pray that you will fly, but you plummet to the groung, aching for the sky.

So this poem is about love...

"You are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry, clementine."

Who is gone? Who are we talking about?

Again, sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, but it was like you cut and pasted from different things and mad ea collage or something... Just know that you must have a central point, even if it is about wandering thoughts. This is a very confusing piece, as probably why the first person didn't even try to review it. I don't want you to give up on this piece. Tweek it, make it better

Yeah....you might wanna tell people you're quoting random song lyrics.

I don't understand the first line either.....it's certainly random enough to be a girl's brain though.

Other than that..... what is this?

Hello, I'm Jojo.. and I shall......well...
I really don't know....
Either way, let's get this party started...
Grammar is in red..
Others are in blue.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:ALLAEEAAHHHOOOOOHHH! ALLAEEYUUUUHHHH!

"I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home!"
Why?

The sweetest whisper, the softest sound. A roaring thunder, crash to the ground. V

Why?

"That's why I cry, when angels deserve to die."
Why?

Come, hear me weep, screaming our for you! The bass drums beat, quicken your feet, dance like fire in your soul.

Why?

"Maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin'. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'."
Why?

Clenching my hair, whipping my head. Clawing my face until I drop dead!
Why?

"Let's start a riot, a riot! Let's start a riot! A riot."
Why?

When you fall in love, you pray that you will fly, but you plummet to the ground, aching for the sky.

Why?

"You are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry, clementine."

and again.. why?

Overall:

I am about to say something- don't take it personally.

As stated before me, you really need to let us know that you quoted random song lyrics.
But even still.
Copying a few random lines from your favorite songs doesn't make this poetry. It's just a collage of cut-and-paste, to be honest. I can find no real story in here, no real basic idea- and the lines don't even accent each other.
I guess I have an idea of what you are trying to do.
Abstract wording. Like art, it works sometimes- but only if you know the right technique.
And this, sadly, just won't cut it, my dear.
I suggest that before you make an attempt at creating a "great" abstract puzzle, make sure that all of the pieces actually fit in together.

And if you plan on quoting lyrics, please make sure that they are first spelled correctly.

Extension:
Sorry if I hurt you in any way. I just really want you to get where I am coming from.
Just try to make this make *sense*. Good works don't just happen they are made with time and effort.
I just think this could use a little more.

Other than that, nice try!
Always Keep Writing!
-----------------------------
-Jojo

I like this. If you wanted to, you could change the layout of this and turn it into poem. Well done and keep up the great work!

I know I'll never know what goes on in a teenage girls brain. This "poem" just backs up my hypothesis. Please take this as constructive criticism. I hate this. It was WAY too random and disjointed for my taste. Does this "poem" mean anything at all? Sorry if you're offended, but that's what I think.
Best Wishes!

theres nothing wrong with this poem thingy!
i think you perfectly captured the essence of a 13 year old girl
dont stop