Frustration

I'm still working on it, so please bare with me. It's not finished either, hence the odd ending.


Frustrated, I glared at him. He looked so smug that I wanted to slap him.

“Why are you here again?” I asked sarcastically.
“Mrs. Kelly asked me to tutor you, remember?” He replied innocently.
My hand itched to smack that look off of his face.
“I don’t need a tutor,” I huffed.
“Sure you do.” He smirked.
“Damon…” I started to say something sarcastic.
“Katrina…?”
“Nothing,” I muttered. What good would it do? I’d simply be fueling his attitude, if that were even possible. He would be a pain in the neck either way.
“Do me a favor.” I said,
“Depends on what it is.”
“Don’t worry, this one won’t harm you.”
“Okay then.”
“Call me Trina. Everyone does, I like it better.
“Nah, I like Katrina, sounds older.”
“But,” I began.
“But, nothing, I will call you Katrina. That is your name.”
I could see he wasn’t going to budge.
“Fine,” I sighed.

We were sitting in my kitchen, at the bar, or island if you will, that was in the middle of the room. The room was quite spacious; the appliances’ were all stainless steel and the cabinets’ were a dark chocolate brown with black, granite countertops. The walls were a warm golden color and the floors hard wood. Why I had him meet me here, I had no clue. Oh, wait my mom would freak if I hadn’t. I jumped up and went over to the fridge to get some juice.

“Are you thirsty?” I asked grudgingly
“Nope,” He answered, letting his lips make a small “Pop,” at the end.
He was still sitting on one of the stools, his eyes following my every move. It reminded me of a cat watching a mouse. I sighed, snatched my juice from the fridge, and plopped down.
“How long is this going to take?” I asked.
“That depends on you.”
“What do you mean?”
"Well, the sooner you quit stalling, the sooner I can tutor you. The sooner I can tutor you, the sooner I can leave." He grinned. “And the sooner I can leave, the happier we both shall be.”
“Why do you do that?” I snapped.
“Do what?” His eyes were looking straight into mine. If I had been standing I would have taken a step back. His eyes were just too blue.
“You go back and forth. One minute you act as if you want to be near me, and the next you seem to hate me. Why? What have I ever done to you?”
He leaned back as he answered, “Besides run into me?”
“You really need to get over that, I apologized for heaven’s sake!”
He winced at the word “Heaven.” I noticed but, I could have been seeing things.
“You’re still stalling.” He replied.
“Fine, stay here,” I pointed at his chest. “Do not move and do not touch anything.”
“Whatever,” he sighed.

I trudged up the stairs to my room and grabbed my backpack. When I returned he was still sitting in the exact same position. I rolled my eyes.
“You can move now.” I said.
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to touch anything.” He said, lacing his voice with so much false concern, I very much wanted to shove him off the bar stool.
“Oh, shut up.” I said sitting back down.
“Touchy,” he laughed.
“I am not! You just happen to annoy me.”
“The feeling is mutual, don’t worry.”
“Then do us both a favor and go away!
“Tsk, tsk, someone wants to fail their history class.”
If I could have growled I would have. But I’d never been any good at it.

He reached around me and grabbed my bag, and took out my history book, a spiral notebook, and two pens.
“Let’s begin, shall we?”
“If we must,” I grumbled.
He smiled, and it sent shivers down my spine. The not so good kind, the kind I got when I first saw him at “Bookends.” I shrugged it off as he continued.
“Let’s begin with the basics, just to see how much you know.”
I motioned for him to begin.
“Alright,” he said, flipping through the book. “In what year did the Civil War begin?”
“1838?”
“Correct.” He took the note book and wrote something down. I wanted to see what he wrote, but he turned the book over when he was finished writing.
“Am I not allowed to see?” I asked.
“Nope,” he answered, making that same popping sound with his lips.
“Why not,” I asked.
“Because,” He said with a flourish, “I am your tutor and what I say goes.”

My gut reaction was to argue, but I already knew him well enough to know it would do me no good, so, I said nothing… just glared.
“In what year did it end?”
“1845?”
“Correct, again. Remind me, why did you need help?”
“Mrs. Kelly wants to torture me.” I said under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, I don’t know why to be honest.” I admitted.
I hate, hate admitting things. The less people know about me, the better I like it. But there was something about him that made me want to open a bit. How annoying.
“Well, do you have a problem remembering things?”
“Nope,” I answered, trying to imitate the sound he made.
“Then what’s your problem? We should start there.”
I sighed, “My biggest problem is when I have to write an essay.”
He didn’t look surprised, but asked,
“What’s so hard about that?”
“I don’t know!” I snapped at him.

He changed his tone before he replied; it was so much softer I did a mental double take.
“Katrina, I can’t help you, unless I know what’s wrong.”
And he was doing it again, making my mind think it was okay to open up. This was going to have to stop. None the less I answered.
“You’ll think I’m crazy,” I insisted.
“Try me, I’ve seen plenty crazy. You’re going to have to be out of your mind crazy to impress me.”
“Fine, I give, but it’s a bit hard to explain.”
“How so,” he asked.
“Well, I study, right? I read the book, I have everything memorized to the point I could say it in my sleep word for word almost. But when I begin to write, something happens.”
While he had been listening, his body began to lean in closer so slowly neither of us noticed until he asked,
“What happens?”
I looked up and realized how close he was, it made me jump. I cleared my throat, trying to cover the jump itself and sputtered for my words.
“I, um… I… I lose focus, and sort of zone out.”
“You, zone out?”
“Yeah, like I don’t realize what I’m writing, I see these scenes in my head, and when I’m done and read over the paper, instead of there being something I can turn in, it’s exactly what I see in my head.”
“What do you see?”
“Um, battles mostly.”
“What kind of battles?”
“What do you mean what kind of battles? The kind that would have happened in the Civil War except…”
“Except, what,” he asked softly.
“Except, they’re not… they’re….”
“Just tell me Katrina, it can’t be that bad.”
“They’re angels.” I whispered.
“Angels? What do you mean?”
“The people fighting, they’re not people… they’re angels.”
“You mean, like with halos and wings and things like that?” He laughed, “You’re right Katrina that is crazy.”
“I told you!” I grabbed the book and snapped it shut. “And for the record, there are no halos.”
“Alright, well why not tell me what you see. You know, this could be some sort of mental problem, maybe talking about it will help.”

“Oh, now you’re just making fun of me.” I grumbled.
“No, no I’m not.” He said through half a laugh. “Okay, well maybe I am, just a little.”
I glared at him.
“Oh, C’mon, I told Mrs. Kelly I would help you. What harm could it do? We have to try something.
“Fine, well what do you want me to do? It’s not as simple as telling a story, and after a while the details get fuzzy.”
“Hmm…”
This was crazy, and I knew it. I either wanted to strangle this boy for annoying me, or for trying to help me. That in itself was annoying. I was used to doing things on my own. But then again… he wasn’t really doing to just help me. Mrs. Kelly would be giving him extra credit, so, he’s really helping himself. I could deal with that… I think. It was typical guy behavior, nothing new.
“I’ve got it!” he exclaimed, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Got what?” I asked.

I found it, whee~ Hi again. Rosea here, as requested~

Frustrated, I glared at him. He looked so smug that I wanted to slap him.

I noticed that you tend to use your title as a basis for what you would mention in a part of your story. I think you should probably change your title into something more appropriate, just to make things work.

“Why are you here again?” I asked sarcastically.

“Mrs. Kelly asked me to tutor you, remember?” He replied innocently.

My hand itched to smack that look off of his face.

“I don’t need a tutor,” I huffed.

“Sure you do.” He smirked.

“Damon…” I started to say something sarcastic.

“Katrina…?”

“Nothing,” I muttered. What good would it do? I’d simply be fueling his attitude, if that were even possible. He would be a pain in the neck either way.

“Do me a favor.” I said,

“Depends on what it is.”

“Don’t worry, this one won’t harm you.”

“Okay then.”

“Call me Trina. Everyone does, I like it better."

“Nah, I like Katrina, sounds older.”

“But,” I began.

“But, nothing, I will call you Katrina. That is your name.”

I could see he wasn’t going to budge.

“Fine,” I sighed.

Super dialogue bulk. I would like to remind you that you're not writing a chat room dialogue, this is a chapter in a story. I understand well that you plan to expand this into a chapter, long enough as it is in my eyes, but a bit of description about what the characters are doing - or how they look, aside from what they're saying and what they're feeling - would help the reader understand better the situation you are trying to present them with, wouldn't it? I won't comment about the content yet. The most problematic part that I can see here is the structure.

We were sitting in my kitchen, at the bar, or island if you will, that was in the middle of the room. The room was quite spacious; the appliances' were all stainless steel and the cabinets' were a dark chocolate brown with black, granite countertops. The walls were a warm golden color and the floors hard wood. Why I had him meet me here, I had no clue. Oh, wait my mom would freak if I hadn’t. I jumped up and went over to the fridge to get some juice.

Why the apostrophe after the s? (I am refering to appliances' and cabinets'.) It isn't needed. You use apostrophes after s in these situations:

The kitchens' designs were spectacular to behold.

Kitchen is in its plural form and we are referring to the designs in each. So it becomes the "kitchens' design". Same with nouns that end in s, Severus', abacus', etc, guaranteed that it is followed right after with an adjective or an adverb. Just a friendly reminder in case you'd want to brush up on basic grammar rules. Comma after 'wait', because that's an appositive.

“Are you thirsty?” I asked grudgingly

“Nope,” He answered, letting his lips make a small pop at the end.

I removed the quotation marks, the capitalization and the punctuation on the word 'pop'. Italics are more appropriate here.

He was still sitting on one of the stools, his eyes following my every move. It reminded me of a cat watching a mouse. I sighed, snatched my juice from the fridge, and plopped down.

Snatched the juice from the fridge... what? That's why I told you it would help if you got a bit more detailed about what the characters are doing as you present their dialogues. Action plus dialogue is the best. Action with not much dialogue is acceptable but a bit bland, and dialogue without action is like presenting a complicated Physics formula in front of kindergarten students - readers can barely comprehend.

“How long is this going to take?” I asked.

“That depends on you.”

“What do you mean?”

"Well, the sooner you quit stalling, the sooner I can tutor you. The sooner I can tutor you, the sooner I can leave." He grinned. “And the sooner I can leave, the happier we both shall be.”

And there they went, talk, talk, talking... still the same comment, although I'm thankful at least a snippet of description made its way through here.

“Why do you do that?” I snapped.

“Do what?” His eyes were looking straight into mine. If I had been standing I would have taken a step back. His eyes were just too blue.

I like the second line. I like it very much.

“You go back and forth. One minute you act as if you want to be near me, and the next you seem to hate me. Why? What have I ever done to you?”

This is a bit awkward and... desperate-looking. Try to make it more casual.

He leaned back as he answered, “Besides run into me?”

“You really need to get over that, I apologized for heaven’s sake!”

He winced at the word “Heaven.” I noticed but, I could have been seeing things.

“You’re still stalling.” He replied.

“Fine, stay here,” I pointed at his chest. “Do not move and do not touch anything.”

“Whatever,” he sighed.

I trudged up the stairs to my room and grabbed my backpack. When I returned he was still sitting in the exact same position. I rolled my eyes.

“You can move now.” I said.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to touch anything.” He said, lacing his voice with so much false concern, I very much wanted to shove him off the bar stool.

Now we're talking. The dialogue is witty and a plot is beginning to make itself evident. Way to go.

“Oh, shut up.” I said sitting back down.

I said,"

Always note that in statements like that, there is a comma afterwards. It's done so that the sentence doesn't appear like a run-on sentence.

“Touchy,” he laughed.

“I am not! You just happen to annoy me.”

“The feeling is mutual, don’t worry.”

“Then do us both a favor and go away!

“Tsk, tsk, someone wants to fail their history class.”

If I could have growled I would have. But I’d never been any good at it.

Dialogue blocks again.

He reached around me and grabbed my bag, and took out my history book, a spiral notebook, and two pens.

“Let’s begin, shall we?”

“If we must,” I grumbled.

He smiled, and it sent shivers down my spine. The not so good kind, the kind I got when I first saw him at “Bookends.” I shrugged it off as he continued.

Not-so-good is a hyphenated phrase.

“Am I not allowed to see?” I asked.

“Nope,” he answered, making that same popping sound with his lips.

“Why not,” I asked.

“Because,” He said with a flourish, “I am your tutor and what I say goes.”

My gut reaction was to argue, but I already knew him well enough to know it would do me no good, so, I said nothing… just glared.

Period at "Nope." Question mark at "Why not?" Edit the 'He' after because, make the first letter lower case. The ellipse after nothing is unnecessary, and it ruins the effect that you're after. Replace the ellipse with a period, and see if this example works for you:

I didn't say anything. I just glared.

“In what year did it end?”

“1845?”

“Correct, again. Remind me, why did you need help?”

“Mrs. Kelly wants to torture me.” I said under my breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, I don’t know why to be honest.” I admitted.

This would have been effective if there wasn't so many of these bulks scattered across your story. Like I said, I like the dialogue here. It's quirky. Witty. You seemed to be enjoying yourself when you were writing this.

I hate, hate admitting things. The less people know about me, the better I like it. But there was something about him that made me want to open upa bit. How annoying.

Italicized the word I inserted. See there? "up".

And he was doing it again, making my mind think it was okay to open up. This was going to have to stop. None the less I answered.

Nonetheless is one word. The first sentence is awkward... so is the rest of this line. Try:

He was doing it again - making me thing that it was okay to spill the beans. This should stop right away, I thought.

Nonetheless, I answered.

“You’ll think I’m crazy,” I insisted.

“Try me, I’ve seen plenty crazy. You’re going to have to be out of your mind crazy to impress me.”

His dialogue is - well, dare I say it again - awkward. Try:

"Try me, I've seen plenty of crazy people. You're going to have to be out-of-your-mind crazy just to be able to impress me."

...or something to that effect. I think I may have made it drag on longer... oh well. It's up to you if you want to follow my example.

“Fine, I give in, but it’s a bit hard to explain.”

“How so?” He asked.

Edited.

“Well, I study, right? I read the book, I have everything memorized to the point I could say it in my sleep word for word almost. But when I begin to write, something happens.”

"I study well, you know. I have everything memorized, to the point that I could say it in my sleep word for word... almost. But when I begin to write... something happens."

Contrary to what I've said earlier, ellipses are good to use here, since the situation calls for her to be a bit hesitant.

While he had been listening, his body began to lean in closer so slowly neither of us noticed until he asked, “What happens?”

I looked up and realized how close he was, it made me jump. I cleared my throat, trying to cover the jump itself and sputtered for my words.

If I were to edit this, I'd come up with...

While I had been talking, he edged closer towards me, so slowly that I barely noticed it, until he asked: "What happens?"

I looked up and realized our uncomfortable proximity, and it made me jump. Clearing my throat, I sputtered for my words, trying to hide my unease and my sudden reflexive reaction.

“I, um… I… I lose focus, and sort of zone out.”

“You, zone out?”

“Yeah, like I don’t realize what I’m writing, I see these scenes in my head, and when I’m done and read over the paper, instead of there being something I can turn in, it’s exactly what I see in my head.”

“What do you see?”

“Um, battles mostly.”

“What kind of battles?”

“What do you mean what kind of battles? The kind that would have happened in the Civil War except…”

“Except, what,” he asked softly.

“Except, they’re not… they’re….”

“Just tell me Katrina, it can’t be that bad.”

“They’re angels.” I whispered.

“Angels? What do you mean?”

“The people fighting, they’re not people… they’re angels.”

“You mean, like with halos and wings and things like that?” He laughed, “You’re right Katrina that is crazy.”

“I told you!” I grabbed the book and snapped it shut. “And for the record, there are no halos.”

“Alright, well why not tell me what you see. You know, this could be some sort of mental problem, maybe talking about it will help.”

“Oh, now you’re just making fun of me.” I grumbled.

“No, no I’m not.” He said through half a laugh. “Okay, well maybe I am, just a little.”

I glared at him.

“Oh, C’mon, I told Mrs. Kelly I would help you. What harm could it do? We have to try something.

“Fine, well what do you want me to do? It’s not as simple as telling a story, and after a while the details get fuzzy.”

“Hmm…”

This is some good material. But please. Detail on what they're doing, how she reacts as she tells him what her problem is, his expressions as he takes the facts in... what? I'm itching to know.

This was crazy, and I knew it. I either wanted to strangle this boy for annoying me, or for trying to help me. That in itself was annoying. I was used to doing things on my own. But then again… he wasn’t really doing to just help me. Mrs. Kelly would be giving him extra credit, so, he’s really helping himself. I could deal with that… I think. It was typical guy behavior, nothing new.

Edited:

This was crazy, and I knew it. I wanted to either strangle him for annoying me, or thank him for trying to help me. That in itself was really annoying.

Okay, then. I went through the overall, so far, so good. I liked how this flowed better than what I've seen in your romance piece earlier, and I would love to see this expanded and further emphasized. If you ever post up the new edited chapter, PM me. I'll be more than glad to review you again.

Thanks for the read~

WOW you did really great and i am really happy that I was able to log on to read this ^^ Also since someone has already pointed out the mistakes I had notices, and some I hadn't I would like to say amazingly written Amber and I sincerely hope that you continue with this excellent plot as I am eagerly waiting for the next chapter and sincerely give my apologizes for not being able to reply sooner than I had. You are a fabulous writer and you shall be really great should you keep going. Wish you luck and happy writing!!!!! Look out for my next update^^
Soulkana<3

HEY! I really, really, loved reading this. It gave a good clear picture and it can relate to alot of people. I'm super glad I found this and was able to read through it. I truely loved the characters and the way they interacted. Her annoyance with him added to the depth and I can't wait to read more of your work!

I loved this story! I'm going to follow it!! Your amazing at writing, you should keep posting more I really liked how you made the two characters, and you felt the anger with the main character. I like the mystery of it as well "He winced at the word “Heaven.” I noticed but, I could have been seeing things." and how she sees angels battling.
Please keep posting more, it was really great to read

Well, I'm here. Told you it might take a while.

Well, this was...interesting, I suppose. I've never really been a fan of prose that is stuffed to the tearing point with dialog. To be honest, I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself - early on, it's action that will draw a reader in, not dialog. This is because dialog tends to orbit around past experiences, which in turn alienates the reader. Trying to incorporate these past experiences into dialog will almost always sound utterly unnatural, and I'm glad you didn't attempt it, but you the fact that you didn't try to play it into any other aspect of the story, either, is somewhat annoying. The reader likes background, especially this early in a piece, and your failing to provide sufficient quantities of this framework is, well, frustrating.

Of course, you do manage to fit in some references to past experiences here and there, but nearly enough. Why is it that Katrina is so angry at this boy? If she was the one that ran into him, then doesn't he have better reason to be angry at her than she at him? This is all the information you provide, and it makes no sense under the circumstances. Instead of confusing the reader with contradictory implications, try to build mystery that is based on missing information, not absurd inconsistencies.

Thus, how can you expect me to feel at all sympathetic towards the girl? Anger and negative emotions are only effective if the reader actually knows the cause of their existence. What you give me would make me expect the narrator to feel, if anything, guilt - and not frustration. Could she hate the boy because of how he talks? This would make a bit more sense, as she seems to be quite annoyed by it throughout, but I think an animosity as demonstrated here requires more profound justification. Show me why she isn't feeling guilt at having "run into" the boy, and should instead feel anger; then I'll believe you.

Honestly, though, I don't understand why the incident made such an impact on the boy at all. Why would "running into" someone cause them to not like that person? If it wasn't in direct disagreement with the calm nature of the boy, the fact that it made him "seem to hate" her would have caused me to view the boy as arrogant and temperamental. But, as we both know, he isn't. And so why even bring that up? What's the point? I have a feeling confusion wasn't the reaction you were aiming for.

This brings me to my next critique. I really don't think the boy is seeming to hate her at all. What he does say in terms of insults seems forced, and hence not serious. The placidity you establish in him muddles and misdirects any outward belligerence. While I can tell that the narrator is mad at him, but seemingly without reason, the boy has plenty reason (apparently, if this "running into someone" business is so serious) to be mad, but he doesn't at all appear to be. There's a problem with this picture.

Finally, you make the boy sound much, much older than you claim he is. Up until the part where the narrator references his youth in the fact that his tutoring of her was actually just a extra credit thing for school, I really had no idea that he was so young - in fact, I was picturing him as some old man. Now, you could just touch the surface of this problem and simply mention a bit earlier that he is still a boy, or you could take the bull by the horns and actually change the way he talks. No one would ever speak the way he does in middle school or high school or whatever grade they're in. Make him sound a bit more...modern? His demeanor resonates with wisdom, and this isn't exactly typical of a 15-year-old (just a guess at their age). So fix that up.

Anyway. Hope this review was helpful in some way. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

-Kafka