One Plus One

My dad is getting married soon and he asked if I would write him a poem to be read at the wedding or reception. Obviously I said yes *angel face* and this is my first draft. I wrote it this morning in English when we were supposed to be reading, so it's not great lol but give it you best critique, I could really use the help.

Union is a weak word,
"marriage" turning gray,
but in these times when lines are blurred
there are a few who will remain.

Within these few,
we find these two,
by the names of Rick* and Michelle*
With whom is you spend some time,
you yourself can tell;
they love one another
with all their hearts and souls,
and one plus the other
makes them both whole.

No, they are not perfect,
yes, they do fight,
but give them enough time,
and they always set things right.

Forever and a day
is how long they shall remain,
untainted by the grays,
that taint the world today.

For they love one another,
with all their hearts and souls,
and one plus the other,
makes them both whole.


*Rick is my dad and Michelle his fiance.

I think it's so sweet that your dad asked you to do this. I can tell you wrote this in a hurry, but it has definite potential to become moving and amazing. You said 'best critique,' so here is the best I can give you (sorry if it's too much):

marriage turning gray,

This is a little off. I know what you are trying to say, but others more sensitive and not as perceptive might not. It kind of makes it sound like marriage the thing is gray, not marriage the word. The first line was awesome, you just need to follow up with the same kind of idea. The same goes for the rest of the stanza. You are talking about understatements existing in some words, and ending up talking about people remaining...not a lot of sense-making there. Please fix.

Within these few,

...What few?

but give them any time,

"any" doesn't seem to be the right word here. Maybe "enough" or "Just give them a little time".

Forever and a day
is how long they shall remain,
untainted by the grays,
that taint the world today.

I don't find anything wrong with this stanza. I just wanted to point out the fanspasticalness of it. It's my favorite part!

Awwww this is so sweet. I can't wait to see it new and improved. Your dad's gonna love it.

with all their souls,

This line throws off the flow of the poem, here and the other place you used it. It seems to be missing a syllable, and it tends to mess people up when that happens unless you hold out the words so they don't sound like a nice poem anymore it sounds like some ritual chant. No offense, but it does need some work there. It's not the only case.

No they are not perfect,
yes they do fight,

Comma after No and another after yes.

Sassykat pointed out most of the *very few* errors. This is so sweet- your dad and his fiance will definitely love this, since I do!

wewinwelose wrote:With whom is you spend some time,
you yourself can tell;

Is "is" supposed to be "as?"

wewinwelose wrote:Union is a weak word,
marriage turning gray,
but in these times when lines are blurred
there are a few who will remain.

This was my favorite stanza; you really capture how the world is today. This was a great poem!

Ahh... That is so sweet!

~FW~

OH that was awesome! And very sweet! Keep up the good work!

KJR