deleted

deleted

Hi Lele, here to review!

The first thing I'm going to tell you is that I definitely agree with this poem. xD I chuckled at a few of the lines, even. I have the same views as far as this goes, but there are a few things that I wanted to say regarding the poem itself.

For starters, you have a concept, which is good. You have humor, which is also good. (Obviously) But you aren't making any move to try and prove your points - you don't need a lot of it, but sprinklings here and there that make your voice and beliefs seem a little less flimsy than, "I don't believe, I hate to believe," if you know what I mean. Add a bit of logic in a creative sort of way, some wit and quick thinking. Throw a few phrases around that will get your voice across and get it across well and effectively.

Another thing that I wanted to talk about was the use of imagery in this poem. Now, I'm not sure if the aim of the poem was to have a bunch of fresh, fancy images dancing around and having a good time, but it was seriously lacking something in this department. You seemed to put things a little too simply, it was far too blunt. There wasn't much creative wording, and there were places where the poem just started sounding like a list of traits that you hate to think about.

For example:

That we were once hunched over
But now we aren't

This sounded a bit rushed, like you just threw something down there for the sake of having something... well, thrown down there. Those two lines were bland, and maybe a teeny tiny bit funny, but overall, they didn't have any effect. Maybe it was the wording, or the way you phrased it, or maybe it was just the way that the two lines were written. It just wasn't all that creative.

On the other hand, there were lines in here that I really liked - they appealed to me. The lines that made me chuckle.

That each of us
Are unique
Brilliant
In our own non-monkey way

This one, for example, was one that I found to have humor in it. The way it was phrased started out as a bit cliche, but the last line seemed to make up for it.

And that's really all that I have to say.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

HAHAHA! Robin, I love this! I have to say I agree and the end made me laugh. This is brilliant. I love that you mention flees, it gave the poem humor. But I would add punctuation to it, I think it makes it look more professional... but then again, that's not obligatory for the poem to be correct. *likes* Great job!

My favorite part:

lele253isme wrote:But I love the truth
And the living knowledge
That when I look into
The dark, twinkling
Starlit
Sky
That I know
Who created it
Who created me

<3 *loves a lot*

Lele,

I hope you know how truely touching, amazing and sincerely beautiful this is.
I'm a firm and very strong believer in Christ, us coming from monkeys in my opinion is absolute rubbish.
You've serious talent and amazing potential.

One little thing that threw me;

But I love the truth
And the living knowledge
That when I look into
The dark, twinkling
Starlit
Sky
That I know
Who created it
Who created meI would cut the other who here. Not only is it too repetitive, I think it cuts the flow a little bit. Plus, it would sound so much better without out it.

I genuinely think, that this is one of the most touching, poems I've read. It didn't involve a lot of detail but it was so real and imaginative and true that it nearly made me cry.

I'm handing you over a whooping big LIKE and ordering you to never stop whatever it is you do to come up with something like this.

Keep writing,

A fan,
Kagi

helloo!
Since the others already took care of the criticism, I am only going to say that I love your poem! XD I have this discussion with a friend of mine about whether we came from monkeys or not and it is never ending!! Kinda frustrating..But I will finally make him believe that God made us *nods*
nice work!! I enjoyed reading this!
-qaralynn-

Wow. I love this poem! It is a concept that I agree with you wholeheartedly on. I commend you for voicing your opinion on such a matter.

I'd hate to think
We've come
From monkeys;
That we were once hunched over,
But now we aren't.

Me too. this is a concept that I don't quite understand living with. I love knowing that someone took the time and care to handcraft me into the person I am.

I have always
Favored the truth
that we were created
By the Ultimate.
That each of us
Is unique,
And brilliant
In our own non-monkey way.

I love that last line, and I agree with this stanza all the way.

I hate the idea
Of my forefathers,
And my forefather's fathers,
Having flees
And no apposable thumbs

But I love the truth
And the living knowledge,
That when I look into
The dark, twinkling
Starlit
Sky,
That I know
Who created it
And who created me

Lovely finish.


Just punctuation and a few words, but I love the subject and it really touches me! You've got a new follower!
Keep on writing!

Love it!!! And I found it very funny in a good way!
~FW~