Lost

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A distant gleam in the rippling waters
Here I see, upon a steep, moss cliff
There is no sound, only the slosh of the waves merging along with the solemn slience.
As if something lost, forgotten for a long time.
Nature’s beauty.

A shedding teardrop sliding down a grief-stricken face.
The wail of a unknown child.
The cries of the mother.
As if something lost, never to return.
A life worth stars of millions.

The hollow sound when you enter that breached house
Where nothing lies but the sorrowful await of a wilted soul
Steps of killing creeks, one who has lived poorly and merciless
As if something lost, slaughtered in one’s mind
Days of delight and elation.

The smile spreading out across the cheeks of a new mother.
A child held in one’s cradling arms.
The birth of a new relationship that would last for years
The joy sinking into a lovely melody
As if something lost, but in upmost joy.
Last edited by Joviehardy on Sat May 14, 2011 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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hello!
I'm Allie, and I'll be your reviewer today ^^
My thought's/comments are in Red.



A distant gleam in the rippling waters
Here I see, upon a steep, moss cliff
There is no sound, only the slosh of the waves merging along with the solemn slience. I adore these three lines. It gives me a clear vision of serenity and peace

As if something lost, forgotten for a long time.
Nature’s beauty.
A shedding teardrop slidding (Sliding) down a grief-stricken face. I love this, too. The metaphor and the comment on Nature's beauty are so very true.

The unknown wail of a child.
The cries of the mother.
As if something lost, never to return. Unknown wail of a child? What about "The wail of an unknown child"? The one you put down is a little confusing ^^

A life worth stars of millions.
The hollow sound when you enter that breached house
Where nothing lies but the sorrowful await of a wilted soul. I know you tried to mix it up there, but I think you should have stuck with "Millions of stars". It makes it easier to process.

Steps of killing creeks, one who has lived poorly and mercilessly
As if something lost, slaughtered in one’s mind
Days of delight and elation. Maybe it's my spacing, but we go from slaughter to delight... Confusion...

The smile spreading out across the cheeks of a new mother.
A child held in one’s cradling arms.
The birth of a new relationship that would last for years Babies are getting a little overused. This is the second time you've mentioned them; However, these lines fit, so I would leave them as they are.

The joy sinking into a lovely melody
As if something lost, but in upmost joy. Another nice, simple, ending. Just how poems need to end :)




This is a lovely poem, and I enjoyed reading it! I look forward to seeing more from you!


~Allie Rose~
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.




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Hi I''m JOVIE, if any of you had a confusion between slaughtered and delight let me tell you something: What it is about (this verse) a person who had happiness slaughtered in his/her mind, a person who never had happiness.



I will not allow my life's light to be determined by the darkness around me.
— Sojourner Truth