Gray~ Chp. 2

Essie~

I ran, my bare feet numb against the pavement, my eyes half closed against the wind, my hair whipping behind me.

I ran until my lungs burned with every shallow breath, until my eyes were blind to anything but the path in front of me, until I could forget what I was running from.

But I couldn't forget.

They were there, their cool, flower-petal-breath on my neck, their light, graceful fingers pulling my hair and tugging at my clothing, their screeching yells in my ear. I thought I might've thrown up, if I hadn't been running so hard. The soft tinkling of the bells and the smell of flowers enveloping me didn't do anything to lessen the fear, to loosen those grasping fingers or quite those screams.

I realized with a start I was sobbing, and my legs were starting to falter, to get clumsy under the impossible weight of all this fear.

I fell.

I fell, scared of what might happen to me, what might happen to my family because of what might happen to me.

I fell, relived too. Relieved the darkness was rising up to catch my fall, to surround me with a quite, soft embrace, to make all the other dark things around me go away. I was tired of this game, tired of these playmates, and I was ready to sleep. The darkness told me to sleep.

So I did.


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Sorry it's so short, guys! D: I'll work on making longer chapters, promise!

*cross my heart and hope to die, shove a needle in my eye*

<3Nutty

ps: be brutal! I know it's not as good as it should be...:/ Halp?

Hi White Shadow,

Yes this is very short, sounds more like a beginning of a chapter. I like the way you repeated "I ran", it gives a rhythm , similar to running. Your imagery is also good.
This sounds really awkward though: "I fell, scared of what might happen to me, what might happen to my family because of what might happen to me." the repetition here confuses the reader. I understand what you are saying but I am sure there is a better way to say it.

Keep on writing!

I definitely think that you should expand on this...It does seem to be the beginning of chapter, rather than the whole.
The rhythm of the writing is very good, I must admit. It flowed like poetry, actually, really drawing me in. I think that I could feel the terror of the chase, the emotional tension.
Other than that, because of the length, it wasn't that interesting yet. The idea's good, to be sure, but you haven't really given a lot of detail as to WHY it's good.

So basically, expand.

Keep writing this novel! I want to read more!


~Reddy

Hey there,

Saw this on my brand spanking new feed and couldn't wait to read it. I have to say (Well, duh. I'm reviewing your work. Obviously, I have to say something. -sigh-), I like where you're going with this. I like that Essie is the toy in the demented child game thing this emo dude is playing with a bunch of creepy children. I like it. It's short, so I don't have much to go on but I don't like how you described the screaming. You describe these beautiful creatures, that smell like flowers and are soft and cuddly, then you have them screeching like monkeys. I swear, when I read that, I had this whole beautiful light feathery thingys running gracefully after this poor girl. Then you say screech and these gorgeous monsters turn into hairy, butt-scractching monkeys. I think that you shouldn't use the word 'screech'. It reminds me to much of Planet of The Apes. The original. Not the bad 2001 edit. Wow, first I'm blathering on about crotch scracthing, now I'm yapping about apes. I need help. This story does not. . If you could PM me with the next part, I shall love you forever.

~Jasmine Bells

P.S. I had two cokes and a Monster tonight. I really need to stop drinking these things then reviewing your stuff. Your going to think I'm insane or something. *demented laugh*

Hey there,

Saw this on my brand spanking new feed and couldn't wait to read it. I have to say (Well, duh. I'm reviewing your work. Obviously, I have to say something. -sigh-), I like where you're going with this. I like that Essie is the toy in the demented child game thing this emo dude is playing with a bunch of creepy children. I like it. It's short, so I don't have much to go on but I don't like how you described the screaming. You describe these beautiful creatures, that smell like flowers and are soft and cuddly, then you have them screeching like monkeys. I swear, when I read that, I had this whole beautiful light feathery thingies running gracefully after this poor girl. Then you say screech and these gorgeous monsters turn into hairy, butt-scratching monkeys. I think that you shouldn't use the word 'screech'. It reminds me to much of Planet of The Apes. The original. Not the bad 2001 edit. Wow, first I'm blathering on about crotch scratching, now I'm yapping about apes. I need help. This story does not. . If you could PM me with the next part, I shall love you forever.

~Jasmine Bells

P.S. I had two cokes and a Monster tonight. I really need to stop drinking these things then reviewing your stuff. Your going to think I'm insane or something. *demented laugh*

Sounds good so far, but it doesn't seem like you'll be adding to this any time soon... Too bad... Sounded pretty interesting...