Scarred Senses

I wrote this after watching the news some time ago.
The justice system just makes very angry sometimes, and when I'm angry i write so this is the result

Bottomless bottles all around
Broken soul has lost her sound
Blood-shut eyes and cigarettes
The Smell of pain and regrets
The tears that appear from the memories
Have become seeable accessories
The choices that you made
The touch from the hands you on me laid
You ruined all hope I had in me
That’s the bitter taste of my destiny
Will those five months you had to do
Ever cure the five senses scarred by you?

I think this would be great for a poetry slam - this poem just feels like it needs to be read aloud. (However I'm in the library at the moment, and I don't think people would appreciate it if I started reading this in any way other than to myself.) The rhyming is really good, kind of sneaky, even - it's there, but it's not overwhelmingly noticeable.

However, I do feel like "the touch from the hands you on me laid" is worded that way specifically so that it will rhyme - it's one of the more awkward spots in the poem, although surprisingly not tooooo awkward. You could probably get away with it. I'm just pointing it out. Also, "seeable" threw me a bit, but apparently it is a real word, so go figure.

The other thing is, I think you could use more specific imagery - you start off nicely with "bottomless bottles" (also good alliteration!) and "blood-shut eyes and cigarettes" - those give me some nice images, but after that you drift off into more abstract things.

However, overall this poem has a nice sound to it, so really you may not even need more imagery.

I know, very inconclusive.

Oh well.

Anyways, I hope this helped despite my indecisiveness about the things I think you should fix (but also think are sort of okay).

~Blue

chooses- choices. I didn't get finished reading this, because I became too distracted by everything, the color, the word choices and such. But yeah, before you post, reread things and make sure its all good and stuff. Nice try =]