Spider Web

AngerManagement wrote:Spider Web.

sadness is slowly suffocating me i like the use of device
pensively rapping it’s delicate fingers around my neck
-intricately, calculatedly…quickly.i understand that this poem has sadness twisted in it and it brings the reader closer in wanting to know more of why they are sad.
death has become my new lover
his scent clings to my skin
and underneath it
everywhere I go

why?
every bit of me is disintegrating, I’m losing control yet-
balancing on the precipice,
Waiting for the end…I stand corrected.

Spoiler

I don't usually write poems, and when I do they are catastrophic. So I kinds hope this is only half bad. This is also unnaturally depressing -.- (Somebody needs a happy meal.)

i know this is depressing but i like the ring to it and the good use of english literature!

AngerManagement wrote:Spider Web.

sadness is slowly suffocating me
pensively rapping it’s delicate fingers around my neck
-intricately, calculatedly…quickly.
death has become my new lover I like the contradicting feelings here.
his scent clings to my skin
and underneath it I'm a little unsure about this here. Underneath the skin just doesn't sound right the way you're using it. I think maybe you should try something else here.
everywhere I go

why?
every bit of me is disintegrating, I’m losing control yet- I'm thinking that maybe this line should be broken into two, just so then the line doesn't look so out of place being so much longer
balancing on the precipice, <-- nice word here
Waiting for the end... I don't like how you used those three dots here. From what you wrote above, I think it would be better if you put another dash (-) insteadI stand corrected.

sadness is slowly suffocating me
pensively rapping it’s delicate fingers around my neck These two lines are wonderful-- the imagery is fantastic, and you managed to say it somewhat simply. I would recommend taking out "its", and maybe moving the dash up to this line though.You could also change "delicate" to "spiderlegged" or something, in order to tie in the title a bit more.

-intricately, calculatedly…quickly. "Quickly" feels odd here. I was imagining it kind of creeping up to your neck and slowly curling its fingers, a thoughtful expression on its face, but that last word changes that picture..

death has become my new lover
his scent clings to my skin I adore these two lines: the second is reminiscent of many love poems, but coupled with the line before it... simply wonderful.
and underneath it
everywhere I go I really like the line before this, but this one falls flat. It seems like you were trying to put something on the end of the stanza, because the last line didn't feel right for a break. That's never a good idea in poetry (though I'm quite guilty of doing the same) and leads to poorly formed and half-hearted lines. If you want something along these lines, maybe say something like "trailing after my footsteps like a ghost" or....something. That sucks. But something.

why? This really broke up the flow you had. But, I think I like it. You need to make it stronger in order to use this, continue your inquisitive tone. As of now, it kind of breaks up what you had, and then slowly goes back to it without an explanation.

every bit of me is disintegrating, I’m losing control yet-
balancing on the precipice, I like these two lines, but the rhythm feels a bit off :/
Waiting for the end…I stand corrected.