cicadian

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cicada shell rustles distaste
on tongue and language spells idiocy like love spells war--
mud in eyes now like blood on knees
and a fistful of teeth in the belly of
a burnt offering. forgetting
shift-shoft of broken
wings, plastered on plaster,
dust suffocates limbs like
a mental ward pillow and a noose hung high.
fingers tangle in sigyls of non-motion
and running away, feet pounding surf of highway
to a neverwhere, to a place beyond existence
somewhere out in the middle of dusk and morning,
to cicadian to circadian
pulse.


pulse in hands, in throat and jaw
and a jawbone hang on the wall,
sticky sweet with honey and hibernation,
when pa caught recoil in heavy hands
and taught survival like a veteran of war,
he said that this hand goes there and twist that and snap and
wait until the feet stop kicking.
fingers draw jagged on the teeth of the mountains climbed,
stark white with snowy calcium;
toes turned to stark sky, extremities
met with veins calcifying: frost.


sugarspun turns viscous, marshwater
and beating stomachs of bullfrogs, croak
creak, cracking 'cross water and reeds
to read with callous fingers--
there are magnolias in the heat and they
crackle underfoot like fireworks, brown and green and
dying fireworks, a decade more and maybe they'll be gone,
gone like you are gone,
past the horizon now, swampy and sharp.
your feet are sore; your mouth tastes of cicadas.




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Damn. Why must you write such confoundedly good poetry??? I have nothing to say about this other than that I am, once again, insanely jealous of your talent! Grrrrrrr...

^_^

Good job!

~Blue




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I'm not sure what kind of review I can produce for'ya (it's been a loooong time, looong time now) but I'm saving myself a spot anyway. so HA.




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This poem has strong sound and rhythm, which is fitting, considering the title of the poem and the reoccuring motif of cicadas. Also fitting is the play between the words "cicadian" and "circadian", one having to do with the insects themselves, the other having to do with the stages of sleep and wakefulness; the sound of cicadas on a hot afternoon is wearying, stultifying, lulling. Regardless, you've set up a theme of cycles, which causes me to pay more attention to the shape and current of the piece -- not structurally, but with regard to meaning and aesthetic.

One of these stanzas does not belong. I can't tell which. At first impression, I fingered the second for the odd man out, but the third stanza brings out a fat bass that I don't track in the first either. So either your intention was to provide fairly separate parts, or you have a case of inconsistency. It's difficult to tell, because I've got a rather opaque poem on my hands. There is a definite undertone of southern gothicism here, and a darkness which can't be ignored. You talk about running, leaving, being gone. You throw in a healthy dose of violence. On the lam from the law? Murder? After all, there is talk of nooses, breaking necks, and then the low-down rotting bayou taking up the caboose. But who taught how to kill? Dad did. Could this be a take on "family feuds" of a sort? Or the cycle of violence inherent in a dysfunctional family? I like that. Dysfunctional families. I'm going to stick with that. The narrator wants to leave his family, or already has. The first stanza introduces a feeling of oppression, distaste, suffocation. The second, violence, death, murder. The third, a furtive escape through marsh and swamp. A literal approach to figurative family trysts.

Now. Consider the result. Is this what you wanted me to come away with? It doesn't have to be what you meant, necessarily; just that I came away with the right feelings, impressions. If I didn't then there's your first task -- un-muddy the water. Be careful with all lowercase (a trope of mine), because somewhere down the line, people will confront you about it. Come up with a good reason for having it like that.

One of the things I heartily enjoyed here was the sonic nature of the piece. Lots of aural attention being paid with phrases like "shift-shoft", the lovely alliteration of the C sound in stanza three, the meter and rhythm in describing how to snap a neck in stanza two. Good stuff. You could work on your similes. In the second and third line of your piece, you give us two similes -- rather abstract and detached up front. I don't care about them, especially the first. With the first, you've set up an "if an apple is unto an orange, then a cow is unto a..." situation which doesn't jive. Lines 4 and 5 provide an eerie Blair Witch stomach sickness. Overall, I think your opening is rather incongruous with the rest of the piece. You hit us with a lot. Other similes are weak, such as the similes in stanza three.

The use of the word "sigyl" is great, but it's going to force 99% of your readers to the dictionary. Be careful -- not everyone wants to exert that kind of effort.

I want to cut stanza two off at "wait until the feet stop kicking". It kind of stumbles on after that. You've hit us high and fast, but you let all the energy out by continuing. What's more, it doesn't seem all that necessary to me. You bring in coldness with "frost", which contradicts the humidity and heat I find throughout the poem.

Anyway, good stuff. A little convoluted. Work on narrowing and honing -- be a little more organic. But you've got a great thing going on here. I'm looking forward to your future.

Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hi there

I'd like to start by saying this is a very dense poem. You have crammed a lot of imagery and descriptions into it. That isn’t to say it is not very good, because you have a lot of talent.

The only problem with cramming a poem this full is that it can affect the flow.

It can get quite clunky. Kylan wrote an amazingly detailed review above going into pacific about it, so take his word over mine. The one thing that annoys me in poetry is when sentences are cut off in the middle of joining words like "and" and "then". I know it is very popular to do this but it just gets under my skin. I feel it makes it clunky and difficult to follow

But besides that, very very good.
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland




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Hi.. So i really have no idea what to say..the brilliancy of the poem has taken away my words (i speak very truthfully)! It was a very well written and deep poem.. Very captivating too. Enjoyed readng it!!
Harshita:)
The answers lie within.. You only need to look.. :)




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Persy, it is wonderful to see you playing with your style, and you've done it very well. This type of poetry is hardly my specialty, so we'll see how much I can come up with.

The way you've laid out your story is interesting. The first stanza seems to reside more in the character's head than anywhere else, as it is filled with his/her interpretation of current and possible events.
and running away, feet pounding surf of highway
to a neverwhere, to a place beyond existence
somewhere out in the middle of dusk and morning,

This section particularly tells me that the narration is being influenced by the character's thoughts, as phrases like "highway to neverwhere, to a place beyond existence" suggest that the character is running blind with no purpose beside escape. I mention the connection between narrator and character because it is important and later on creates one of the most distracting inconsistencies in the poem. Keep this in the back of your head, I'll come back to it.

I thoroughly enjoyed your wordplay in this piece, and I'm glad you hit me with alliteration in the first line. It made me ready for the fact that the language of the piece would be just as important as the meaning behind the words.

I liked your "language spells idiocy like love spells war" line, but there are two things that keep me from saying that it should stay where it is.
-It doesn't really fit with the preceding and following lines. Its tone is entirely different and the idea it brings forward is not developed ahead of time, or even explained afterwards.
-The "language spells idiocy" connection is very, very unclear, which jams up the flow a bit. I had to go in reverse and say "love prevents war, so she must be saying that language prevents idiocy". People just don't have a clear relationship between language and idiocy programmed into their brains.

Stanza two shifts to be more external and more retrospective. There is less of the character's personality here; it's an illumination on what drove him away, what made him see insanity and suicide in his future. The description of the dad is really the foundation of this piece. Without it, none of your ideas would have anything to stand on. My only issue is that it didn't go deep enough for me. The character's dad was obviously tough and quite possibly violent towards towards the character, but I was still left wondering, "why is the character running?" because the dad's personality is never really connected to the narrator's thoughts. There is very little relationship given between the two characters.

The last four lines of stanza two felt entirely out of place to me. The ice/rock imagery were just too different from everything else in the poem. This could have been an attempt to create contrast between the past at home and the present on the run, but I think you can find a way to do that and still maintain the tone and feel that you've already set up.

Stanza three shifts into an external/present view. It provides a strong sense of conclusion, but I felt that some of the wordplay didn't work nearly as nicely as in previous stanzas.
croak
creak, cracking 'cross water and reeds

The alliteration throughout the piece is excellent, but this was too much for me. Alliteration does wonders when it's subtle and smooth, but if you aren't careful with it, things start sounding like a children's book. Here you seemed to be trying too hard (particularly by shortening "across" in a piece where there are no other spelling changes due to dialect)

crackle underfoot like fireworks, brown and green and
dying fireworks, a decade more and maybe they'll be gone,
gone like you are gone,

The repetition of "fireworks" and "gone" didn't work for me. I vastly prefer this reworked to only use "fireworks" once and the third line changed to be more interesting. The idea of the character being no more permanent than the magnolias is by far the most unique idea you have in this stanza, so I'd like to see it presented in a more powerful way.

Ok, remember what I was saying about the connection between the narrator and character up at the top? The narration is deeply influenced by the character's thoughts and feeling. In the last half of the third stanza you introduce the second person, which is what caused the biggest problems for me in this piece. The closeness of the narrator didn't allow me my suspension of disbelief. The narration is too personal, too conscious for me to put myself in the character's shoes, which is exactly what the second person asks me to do. The fact that the introduction of second person comes so late in the piece makes it especially hard to swallow.

This is one of my favorite pieces of yours, Persy. Really fantastic work.



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland