Friendship

Lies, secrets, gossip.
Are these the words
you connect with friendship?

Whispered lies behind my back.
Corrupt words off two Evil tongues.
Could she really care about me?

Two sneaky serpents
one naive friend
I can see how this will end.

Three against one.
One lonely me
in a battle of words.

I can't help but notice
the secrets passing between them.
Like money in poker.

"Don't talk to her, ignore her."
"Maybe she'll go away," they hiss.
Do friends say these things?

What else can I do
but let anger overtake me
as Evil overtook her.

And maybe one day
the one being corrupted
will see the light.

Maybe one day
she'll hear my voice
and listen.

But for now,
I think I'm alone.
Friends with liars, or no friends at all?

Some suggestions, and nitpicks as well:

Lies, secrets, gossips.

Are these the words,

Why words? They're ideas. But yeah, it's fine. (LOL) But I'll be serious now: I don't think the comma is necessary. Even for a pause. The "enter" is find.

"<no space>Don't talk to her, ignore her!"
"<no space>Maybe she'll go away!"

The only thing I'd like to nitpick here is the usage of commas. I don't think you should use it at all the lines' ends that doesn't have a period. As I said, entering a new line is find, if you're aiming for a pause.

Like money in poker.

I like this line. Never heard it before; and if it's uniquely yours, then nice! (LOL)

Friends with liars, or no friends at all?

...No friends at all?

This is such a sad song. Some people could really relate to this. I like the second stanza from the end. It slowly introduced the ending. Very nice! KEEP WRITING!

Jash ♥

Go CSI!

Peach wrote:you connect with friendship?

Good start with the question there.

Peach wrote:Could she really care about me?
Three against one.

So here you wrote 'she' meaning one person but then in the next line, you wrote 'three against one'. Do you mean they instead of she?

Peach wrote:" Maybe she'll go away!"
Friends say these things?

I have to question your use of exclamation mark in the first line. It seems a bit out of place and unneeded. Also, can I suggest you put a 'do' in front of the last line. I think it'll flow better that way.

Peach wrote:but let anger overtake me,
as Evil overtook them.

Lovely line here.

Peach wrote:I think i'm alone.

The 'I' from I'm alone needs to be capitalised.

Okay, grammatical nit picks aside. I liked how the story of the poem moved on. I don't have any suggestions (aside form the grammatical ones written above) to how you could improve this. It's pretty well written. Keep it up!

I really liked this poem. The story behind it was very clear and sad. I'm sure a lot of people can relate this to one point in their life, as some friends do drift apart, and some others just change. I liked how you kept talking about the evil that took over them, saying how they have changed, and you hope they will be able to change back. Even though they are treating you poorly, you still hope things will go back to normal. You can't yet abandon them. I think this made it easy to relate to, because I know I was in a similar situation, and all the while wishing they would change back. Eventually they did, and everthing is fine again. So if this poem is true, I'm sure the same will happen with you (:
I couldn't find any grammatical errors.However, I felt like the flow wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either. It just didn't flow perfectly between the different stanzas. Perhaps see if you can make the stanzas flow into the next a little smoother.
I loved your ending line:

Friends with liars, or no friends at all?

Very powerful!

Other than the little nit-pick about the flow, I really enjoyed this poem. Great symbolism and emotion! Keep up the amazing work! (:

This kind of things usually happen in life. It's hard to see someones true colors. I really liked the poem. The ending was very powerful. Keep writting.

Hello there,

I personally really liked this and I found it really powerful, very moving and straight to the point. The topic you have chosen is definitely something everyone can all relate to and I think that is maybe one of the reason's why it is so interesting to read and maybe why we are all drawn to read this poem just from the title.

I really liked the clear empathy and truth portrayed in this and I liked how well you told the story using a poetic voice. I also found the questions you involved in this really helped people start to think. I totally get the whole "two's company, three's a crowd". I think that was a really strong point in this and I liked that factor of this poem.

My favorite stanza was the third but I liked all of them and I found that each stanza flowed perfectly into the next which I greatly appreciate in any poem because I find some people try to write a disjointed poem which is really bad. So I'm glad you avoided that. Keep up the great writing

From Cute Jack Russell

Wow, that was powerful. I love your similism with serpents, evil, and friends gone bad. I also like the hope that is kept throughout the poem. But...

Two evil serpents
one naive friend

I'm a little confused by this. I may be wrong but from this, I get two 'bullies' so to speak, are taking your friend from you. And other than this part:

"Don't talk to her, ignore her."
"Maybe she'll go away."

Two other people are not evident.

Good luck!

~Brook

Team Bamboozle!!!

Hello there. I've got nitpicks for you:

Lies, secrets, gossip.
Are these the words
you connect with friendship?

- Nice opening. I also like the rhyming of 'gossip' and 'friendship'.

Corrupt words off two Evil tongues.

- Maybe, 'from' would be better than 'off' here.

Could she really care about me?

- This was vague and seemingly came random after the two first lines.

Two sneaky serpents
one naive friend
I can see how this will end.

- This seems erratic too. But I like the quickness of it and the rhyming of 'friend' and 'end'.
- Also, I don't like the lack of punctuation in the first two lines of this verse. Maybe, it's just me. o.o

Three against one.
One lonely me
in a battle of words.

- Wow. I love this verse. I like the the quickness and directness of it.

I can't help but notice
the secrets passing between them.
Like money in poker.

- That was a pretty nice comparison.
- Anyway, I'm not sure about the period in the second line. o.o It feels a little incorrect.

"Don't talk to her, ignore her."

- I think there should be a period instead of a comma after 'her'.

Do friends say these things?

- Nice question. (xD) I mean, it was well put after the two lines that preceded it.

What else can I do
but let anger overtake me
as Evil overtook her.

- The period should be a question mark since this is a question.

And maybe one day
the one being corrupted
will see the light.

- There should be a comma after 'day'.

Maybe one day
she'll hear my voice
and listen.

- Comma after 'day'

Friends with liars, or no friends at all?

- I don't think 'with' was the right word there. Maybe 'who're'?


Overall, I like this poem. It's really interesting to read and does deserve to be featured xD. Anyway, I like the wording and the comparisons in the poem. It was simple and easy to understand too. Also, the poem is realistic, which makes it interesting and relevant. The only problem that I think this poem has is the second and third verses which were a little bit messy in terms of coherence of the lines. (I hope that made sense lol) Nevertheless. nice job.

I guess I have nothing else to say. xD Never stop writing!

i would say gossips insted of gossip on the first line

Hola,
I'll be reviewing this nice piece of poetry of yours this hot afternoon while in Business class....XD So here it goes:


Well I must say I am impressed by this poem ^^ I really liked the connections you make with friends, snakes, and friends turning against each other. It is a topic every one of us people go through some point in our lives. You show hope and also the dark truth of people betraying their friends. I can't find anything that anyone didn't spot themselves so I would rather not point them out again XD. Anyways this was marvelous and I liked it.

I really can't find anything I don't like haha. You did a good job. Brings back some horrible memories but that only made me like it more since it shows the feelings and such that people go through with this sometimes. Whether or not to turn against them and do the same in retaliation. Either way I loved this and I will be waiting for more soon! Keep up the good work and may you receive many helpful reviews. Buenas Suerte y Happy Writing. Best of wishes. Adios, Peach.
Soulkana<3

Hey, I'm not real good at giving feedback when it comes to poems, but I love this! It's so true, about gossip and things when it comes to high school and friendship.

It was great!

TThis is very good. I think yuo have really lahed on to a intresting subject matter and idea here.

I really love the last line. It really sums up the poem and finishing on a question worked very well here. it left me thinking about the poem after I stoped reading it.

Hi.. So starting was very nice and it flowed pretty well, and that made it a nice read.. Secondly i love the theme of your poem. also the simplicity with which you have expressed the feelings to such an extent was very admirable.. So summing it all up I'll say that your poem was very nice.. Loved it!! Keep it up!!
Harshita:)