Shore line.

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1761
Reviews 29
On the island it was just you and I.
I was the only one around.
When I saw the wave come crashing down.
I watched it sweep you out to sea.
I couldn’t help you, I couldn’t breathe.
The nights were the worst.
By myself for miles.
My time alone was my biggest trial.
The waves always returned to the shore line.
And I was never returned my cloud nine.
The ocean’s heartbeat.
I could feel on some days, its steady rhythm wet against my feet.
I walked countless days around the island. Some days to the top of the high land.
I just kept looking out to sea.
The calendar stopped keeping up with me.
So I ripped out the month of February.
I turned it over and wrote you this note.
I rolled it up and stuffed it in a bottle hoping it would float.
Float across every wave, and find its way to you.
You are dearly missed, if only you knew.
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will.
[Chuck Palahniuk]




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1070
Reviews 3
Ever heard the saying what is taken into the sea isn't lost forever- it just appears on the other side of the world untarnished? I hope not 'cause I just made it up in my head now. This piece is wicked good and the images make everything so much better!
I.C.E.W.O.R.K.S




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1128
Reviews 7
Wow, really great poem. There is a lot of emotion here. I like how your rhyme was not always exact and very subtle (Not screaming "Look at me! I rhyme with the line above me!! Look!" ;)). I can't help but wonder if you wrote this about a particular person or if it was just something you came up with. Your phrases and imagery lead me to rule out the latter.
AtticusGallows wrote:The waves always returned to the shore line.
And I was never returned my cloud nine.
I think the "And" would be better supported here by the word "But." You say in the line above that to the waves always returned to shore and it sounds a bit as if you hoped that the waves would return your "cloud nine" as well. "But" they didn't. Just a small suggestion.

Other than that, I don't have much more criticism. It was an incredible poem!!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1761
Reviews 29
Hey guys! Sorry I never got back to reply on this. I haven't been on this in awhile.
So let me just start by saying thank you so so so much! I'm very happy that this poem was enjoyed.
:D
And I really do like your advice about switching the word "and" for "but". I will do this change in the future.
Once again thanks a million for taking the time out to read this, and sorry this is so late.
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will.
[Chuck Palahniuk]



what are we?? Writers!!! What are we allergic to?? Giving our characters happiness!!
— creeperfeverdreams