'Oh, please, no.' I thought as I felt a sinking my chest.
I was frozen. I couldn't breathe. He looked at my face and, surprised by the look on my face, looked behind him. His face mirrored mine as soon as he saw them.
We looked back at each other and quickly brought our arms back to our sides. We both crossed our arms at the same time. If it wasn’t this situation, I probably would have laughed, but the people closest to me just witnessed a make-out scene with a guy I wasn't supposed to be making out with.
Tony looked furious. He knew I had a thing for Hayden, but to do this?
‘What about Alyssa?’ I could see that one question in his eyes behind the fury in his face.
Abi's eyes had tears in them as she turned and walked into the living room.
Jaden’s eyes told me he was in pain, and talking probably wouldn't happen anytime soon.
I looked at Alyssa last. She looked as if she’d just seen a ghost. No, she saw worse. She saw the girl she told everything to making out with the guy she liked. She didn’t say anything. She just walked away. Jaden and Tony walked after her, not looking back once.
'Someone's going to tell their parents and we're going to die.' I thought. 'But, what about Alyssa? She's undoubtedly crushed'
He just sighed. Not wanting my hot chocolate anymore, I put the cup on the counter, looked at Hayden, and we walked out, my heart pounding so hard I thought it would come out of my chest.
As soon as I got to the living room, Nicky grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the kitchen, causing my heart to skip a beat.
“You kissed him?!” she exclaimed.
I shrugged and nodded, “We’re dating. If you didn’t guess. And yeah, that’s generally what couples do” I answered, looking at the carpet.
She looked at me, her mouth moving but no sound coming out.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she finally exploded, looking rather happy. I looked at her, shocked.
“Wh- What?” I managed to stammer.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! That’s so cool you guys are dating!” she exclaimed.
At first, I felt the same way, now I just wished I could share her enthusiasm. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I realized, ‘Wait. He’s worth it. I like this guy. If no one tells their parents, we'll be fine. I thought hopefully, Except for Alyssa.’ The crushing thought almost smothered me.
I shrugged, “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome”.
She looked at me, “But why didn’t you tell me?” She asked.
I knew this was coming.
“Cause Alyssa-” I began, but she cut me off.
“Alyssa? You think I tell her everything” she asked as more of a comment.
‘Yup, I’m a retard’ I thought, grinning at her. “Did Alyssa tell everyone?” I asked awkwardly.
Nicky looked at me, “No, just me. But honestly, I’m not sure what she’s gonna do”.
We were silent for a little while.
“If worst comes to worst I’ll just break up with him and when people ask me if we’re dating I’ll ask them if they’re on crack and he’s three years younger than me, that way it won't be a lie” I thought out loud.
Nicky laughed, “You were always good at finding loop holes”.
I grinned, “Of course. What else do you expect?” I winked.
“So things were getting hot in here, huh?” she asked, looking around, and looked at me with a mischievous gleam in her eye. We both grinned and walked out. Talking to the person who was probably my last friend gave me strength.
That night, after El and I had turned the light off and tried to go to sleep, I thought, ‘The person I told almost everything to decided to let a guy get between us. Oh wait. That was all me.' I thought sarcastically, hating myself. 'Least I don’t have to face Tony tonight. Not sure I could take that. She was fun to be with. I have no clue how I'm going to make this up to her’
Then the tears decided to come. I couldn’t keep them from coming out, I didn’t want to.
‘Better let them come now then later’ I thought.
El woke up looking groggy, “You look terrible!” El exclaimed,
I laughed, “You look awake now”.
El nodded, “Yeah, I am. You freaked me out! What’d you do? Cry to sleep?” she asked.
I nodded grimly. “Yeah, pretty much. Actually, that’s exactly what I did”
El sighed. I looked at my manicured nails El and I did last night before going to bed. She did her best to cheer me up, and I did my best to act like nothing was wrong.
I got off the bottom trundle bed and got dressed then headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth with a smile on my face and humming my favorite song, feeling empty the whole time. As soon as I got to the bathroom, my smile faded and a tear slipped from my eye. I’d forgotten how hard it was to hold a smile when my world fell apart.
“Why didn’t you tell me? What were you thinking? How could you do that to Alyssa?” Tony exploded at me after we’d gotten into my room.
Which he had pretty much dragged me to as soon as I got home. I looked at him. I was emotionally drained and, even though I hadn’t really talked to anyone about it, I was done. I exploded.
“Well, for one, I didn’t tell you because this is your response. Two, I was thinking I liked him and I did want to go out with him because, yes, he did ask me. Three, I didn’t think about her when he asked me. I was going to tell her when she stopped liking him so it wouldn’t hurt as bad. You probably would have done the same thing”.
He glared at me, “No; I wouldn’t have because I have something called respect!”
I looked at him coolly in the eye, more fed up than ever, “Then again, you. Aren’t. Me.” I replied, biting off my words. “Now get out of my room” I snapped.
He glared again and walked out.
‘What’s he think? I’m not hurting? He could at least try to see from my side. It's only day one and I’m done with this, I just want to go somewhere no one else is. There’s no way I’m dumping Hayden. It just may cause more problems if I dumped him though.' I thought as I lay on my bed. 'Dang it! Why didn't I think of this? Why couldn't I think of Alyssa when Hayden asked me out?'
I didn’t have a lot of sleep the night before, but the dreams were amazing. In it, there was no pain. Nothing had happened between me and Hayden. Alyssa and I were laughing just like we used to.
‘Too bad dreams aren’t realities’ I thought bitterly as I woke up for the day.
‘Great, just who I wanted to see’ I thought as I saw Alyssa walk by the next day at church, my heart beating rapidly as I remembered her face from the previous night.
I walked toward Nicky with my 14 year old brother, Samuel, and hugged her. I had told him what happened the night before. Even though he knew I liked Hayden, he was shocked me and his best friend were going out.
“She’s soo pissed at you” she said.
I looked at her and made a funny face, “I couldn’t tell”.
Nicky grinned. I knew she wasn’t enjoying this; she was just doing her best to make it all out as good as she could. I knew because we were almost the same in every way.
‘That,’ I thought, ‘Is probably why I’m so at ease with her, even with all this crap going on’.
Just then El and Hayden walked up. All my worries melted. I grinned hugged El, then high-fived Hayden. We didn’t hug around crowds. I usually waited for him to give it to me first. This never happened.
One thing that bugged me the most was that I had to make all the moves. Too bad he wasn’t a romantic person, at all. I wasn’t even sure how my kisses affected him, and he never told me he even liked me. Not even in his note when he asked me out. Yes, I said note. But I figured his kisses made up for that. I hoped they did, or this was a one-sided relationship that would never work out.
“So, what’s up?” El asked.
I grinned, “Alyssa’s totally ignoring me, if you couldn’t tell. She didn’t even look at me when she walked by”
We were doing our best to make light of it, but I felt heavy. Every one of us knew it to; except maybe Hayden.
He was the first person in my life I couldn’t read, at all. And I’m pretty good at reading people. But I could never tell if he was hurt, or in pain, or happy, nothing. No matter what the situation, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, or even feeling. The only time I could read anything from him was when we first kissed, a memory I replayed in my head multiple times. Even then, I couldn’t read him exactly. It was either love, or lust. Those are the two things that are hardest to distinguish.
I heard El ask my nick-name, “Nie?”
My head snapped up, “What? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention” I apologized with a half smile.
El and Nicky looked at each other and smiled a little sadly. Usually they would laugh and make fun of me for not paying attention, and laughing in a heavy atmosphere is a very, very hard thing to do.
“We were just talking about hanging out tomorrow, do you want to?” Nicky asked.
“Um.. will Alyssa be there?” I asked hesitantly.
El looked at Hayden in desperation, who looked like he didn’t care. But Nicky looked at me straight in the eye.
“Yeah, it’s a little hard to hang out when I’m her sister, and El’s her best friend” Nicky replied.
My heart sank, but I managed to laugh out loud, “Um.. thanks, but no. Take her. Entertain her and try to keep her from thinking about all this."
They nodded and looked at the floor. Before anyone could say anything after the awkward nod, the music for church started and we walked toward the service. Alyssa didn’t sit with us, but neither did El or Hayden.
‘They are best friends. If my best friend didn’t sit with me with all this going on I’d be way more than pissed’ I thought.
I leaned my head back and thought about what Nicky had texted me the night before.
‘Ok, imagine this. The ‘group’ is in a dark, square room. John and El are making out in a corner, Jaden is in another corner, crying his eyes out, you and Alyssa are fighting with Hayden in the middle, and Samuel and I are watching our group break apart. No! I will not think about that! I’m in church. Listen to the service. What he’s saying is important.’
I listened a little, and then I realized I knew everything he was talking about. I had heard almost every sermon on this specific topic four years ago when we were looking for a church to go to. For some reason, every one decided this was the topic to talk about.
‘Wow. This is perfect. The one time I need something to do besides think, I’m given nothing. I love my life’ I thought sarcastically.
The rest of the sermon went on fine, and he did have good points. It was kind of interesting. It probably would have been better if I didn’t have Alyssa running through my mind the whole time.
At the end, Nicky and I slipped in and out of the crowd going out. In the middle of our slipping in and out, I saw Alyssa, El and Hayden walking out. I felt jealousy rise in my chest like a bubble; a very big bubble. My boyfriend was hanging out with the girl that didn't talk to me. Any other time, just a little jealous. But right now, I wanted to strangle him.
Another thing that bugged me about Hayden was that he was always with Alyssa or Abi, The two I didn't want him with. But then again, I didn’t want to take away his freedom of hanging out with who he wanted, so I never talked to him about it. Not like we were ever able to hang out alone anyways, and I was not going to talk to him about it with people around.
After most of the crowd had got out of the small door way leading to the auditorium, I somehow managed to make eye contact with Alyssa, who was looking around as if looking for someone. She said something to El and Hayden, and walked over me as fast as the crowd would let her. I stayed where I was.
‘Maybe we can work something out’ I hoped.
“I need to talk to you”, she said, then looked at Nicky, “Alone”.
I nodded and we walked up the ten stairs to a more private place. My palms were sweaty and my heart was beating hard with nervousness.
There was an awkward silence, then she spoke, “I was so hurt when you did that to me, especially with all the talks we had about him, and I told you everything”
“I screwed up so bad, and I’m really sorry. I was going to tell you after you stopped liking him. I thought it would have been better for you and you wouldn’t get hurt as bad”. I answered softly, looking at the floor.
She looked at me sorrowfully, “But you lied. You said if he ever asked you out you’d kiss him on the cheek and say you were out of his league.”
I heard my breathing stop suddenly. Alyssa herself had told me almost four months ago, ‘Hayden said he just wanted to see what it took to be in a relationship, and that he’d take any girl’.
“That was because someone said something about him, then I realized it was wrong. It was after they told me that, and before I realized it was wrong that I told you that.” I replied softly.
“I feel like you’re a huge troll in a fairy’s house. You’re wrecking and destroying everything without even realizing it” she said.
I felt like something had slapped me.
“So, what do you want to do about us being friends?” I asked after bitting my tongue to keep from crying.
“I want to try and stay friends” she answered after a little while.
I looked up, shocked, “Wow, really?" I asked as with hope.
She looked away, "Things probably won’t be the same though, huh” I commented.
She looked away, “No. They won’t be”
“I know I screwed up, but I’ll do my best to rebuild it” I promised.
She just nodded and walked away.
But every time she looked at me it was like I wasn’t there. She never smiled or even looked at me. It was the exact same as before. Nothing had changed.
