Hypocrite

Hypocrites have ugly teeth
With lies well strewn in all they reap
And backs bent with tempers flaring
Hearts unworthy, thoughts are daring

Hypocrites have spiny hair
That cracks and sizzles in the air
With grease caking every trembling finger
And curled cryptic nails that love to linger

Hypocrites have yellow skin
That flakes and cakes like grease on tin
And shrivels in the dampest light
Their pride and hatred fits too tight

Hypocrites have shifty eyes
That holds the truth in all their lies
Their voices waver like leaves in wind
Defining worlds they’d never live in

Hypocrites have wild intelligence
To gently ease every muscle tense
With shrilling laughter like out of tune bells
And ideas and thoughts they share and sell

Hypocrites are you and me
They make up what we wish to be
Unhopeful dreams we hold in the air
Hypocrites disguise themselves as fair

The word an insult to all those daft
Hypocrites are held in your every laugh
Your smiles, your grins, your heart and love
A hypocrite marked from below to above

Angel wings grace not one’s back
And over our heads, we all hold a sack
Hiding our sadly faithful identity
A letter to all that we wish none to see

Hypocrites have broken hearts
And they spend their time picking up the parts
Their entire lives have been left behind
Hypocrites have been lost in time

Hi Quill! ^^ Here to review -- obviously.

The title of this poem is what dragged me into reading, I think - and I'm glad that I did. At first, I noticed that the poem rhymed, and I sort of grew iffy on the whole thing. The good thing? You totally pulled off -most- of the rhymes. (Which is something that I very rarely see, so am I happy about it? Absolutely).

There were, however, a few lines that didn't fit right and a couple rhymes that both sounded forced and disrupted the flow:

Hypocrites have yellow skin
That flakes and cakes like grease on tin
And shrivels in the dampest sunlight
Their pride and hatred fits too tight

The first part of this stanza - I really liked it. The imagery was good, and the rhyme was decent there. The last two lines, however are what threw me off a little bit. I think that it was mostly the word 'sunlight' - it has two syllables, and for that particular line, it was one too many, and it disrupted the flow a bit. You could take out 'sun' and leave it with 'light', or you could think of an entirely different word altogether. Whichever, or anything else that you can think of. xD

Hypocrites have wild intelligence
To gently ease every muscle tense
With shrilling laughter like an out of tune bell
And ideas and thoughts they share and sell

Again, I really liked the first two lines of this stanza, but the second ones threw me off quite a bit. The first one was too long, and the second line was okay length-wise, but the rhyme came out sounding a bit forced. Those two lines just didn't fit together or with the rest of the poem. I would suggest trying to reword them a bit?

Angel wings grace not one’s back
And over our heads, we all hold a sack

These were probably my least favorite two lines in the entire poem. Okay, so that's a lie, I suppose - the first line was pretty good, and I liked it. The second line was my least favorite in the poem. Not because it's a bad line, really, but because it really doesn't fit with the line above, and it doesn't really make a lot of sense. This is one of those lines that sound like you had just thrown it in there just for the sake of a rhyme. It sounded unnatural - is there any other words or phrases that you could use here?

Otherwise, I really honestly did like this poem. You had awesome imagery, and like I said before, I was surprised at how well you managed the rhyme-scheme. The concept was awesome, ontop of that, and it was just overall enjoyable.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

I really liked reading this because as I continued to read through it I felt like I was looking into a distorted reflection of myself and I think it's great when I can relate to poetry because most times I find that incredibly hard. I liked your use of imagery, and the way you described Hypocrites but I didn't see the point to it all. I feel like there should have been a huge explosion of beautiful words at the end, and a beautiful resolution but it didn't happen. It just kept going on.

Hope this helped,

Anger

Hypocrites have ugly teeth
With lies well strewn in all they reap
And backs bent with tempers flaring
Hearts are unworthy, thoughts are daring

Hypocrites have spiny hair What do you mean spiny?
That cracks and sizzles in the air
With grease caking every tremblingfinger
And curled and cryptic nails that love to linger

Wow, I went a little Striker crazy there! Couldn't help myself, but I stopped!

I really enjoyed this! As a reader, you painted entertaining pictures, some I still wonder about.


A few of the last stanzas fill a bit forced, like you had to rhyme, so you didn't take the time. Hahaha I just did!

Anyway! This is a beautiful piece! Love it! Keep up the good work!

And backs bent with tempers flaring
Hearts are unworthy, thoughts are daring

I don't understand the "backs bent" part. Also, the wording is somewhat awkward, to me.
.....I don't know about this stanza. *frowns* (And the frown is at myself.)

And curled, cryptic nails that love to linger

You need a comma.

Their voices waver like leaves in wind
Defining worlds they’d never live in

The rhythm seems a bit off here. "Their voices waver in the wind" would flow better, but I don't think it would convey what you want..... hmmm....

Hypocrites have wild intelligence
To gently ease every muscle tense
With shrilling laughter like an out of tune bell
And ideas and thoughts they share and sell

Interesting way of making the second line rhyme. I think I like it.
Not sure about the repetition of "and" in the last line.

Hypocrites are you and me

OUCH. Yes, but ouch.

Hiding our sadly faithful identity

Sadly faithful? Why?

Hypocrites have broken hearts
And They spend their time picking up the parts

A few corrections here.

Overall.... this was interesting. I don't like descriptions of ugly things (I just can't help it!) but you did it well.

Hypocrites have ugly teeth
With lies well strewn in all they reap
And backs bent with tempers flaring
Hearts are unworthy, thoughts are daring(period) Other than that, this is perfect.

Hypocrites have spiny hair
That cracks and sizzles in the air
With grease caking every trembling finger Good imagery, but this line is too long, as well as the one following it
And curled cryptic nails that love to linger(period)

Hypocrites have yellow skin
That flakes and cakes like grease on tin
And shrivels in the dampestsunlight
Their pride and hatred fits too tight(period)

Hypocrites have shifty eyes
That holdsthe truth in all their lies greatt two lines here
Their voices waver like leaves in wind
Defining worlds they’d never live in(period)

Hypocrites have wild intelligence
To gently ease every muscle tense 'tense' is the wrong word to use here because it sounds so similar to the end of intelligence
With shrilling laughter like an out of tune bell
And ideas and thoughts they share and sell(period)

Hypocrites are you and me
They make up what we wish to be AHH SO GOOD
Unhopeful dreams we hold in the air
Hypocrites disguise themselves as fair

The word(comma) an insult to all those daft
Hypocrites are held in your every laugh
Your smiles, your grins, your heart and love
A hypocrite marked from below to above

Angel wings grace not one’s back
And over our heads, we all hold a sack This image comes off as funny rather than deep.
Hiding our sadly faithful identity 'sadly faithful' sounds bad for some reason
A letter to all that we wish none to see if it's hiding it wouldn't be so obvious as a letter... or if its a warning then I'd make this line a little more clear

Hypocrites have broken hearts
And they spend their time picking up the parts
Their entire lives have been left behind
Hypocrites have been lost in time They seem pretty prevalent if we are all hypocrites

The imagery in this poem blew me away, very nice job
-KatTrain

Thanks for the reviews, guys. :3