Poured Out

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nekros
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Points 740
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Sun Apr 24, 2011 8:52 pm
nekros says... · Sun Apr 24, 2011 8:52 pm
You might think me daft,
but I poured my blood out
like a breaking glass.

And so you scream and laugh
at the same time
as they prepare to call your debt.
Though you wouldn't look at that.

The world forgot me,
and broke apart my heart.
Then distributed it among fools
only to paint a picture that looks like ash.

Will you remember?
Will you remember?

Through cold lies and squinting eyes,
I lit a flame in a blackened sky.
It burned like gas,
And crushed every crooked wing.

Apparently,
Blind men don't want to see.
So they put clay in their eyes
in a fake miracle,
and wouldn't wash it free.

Just listen to the lie
that lions love to flee.
That's why they plastered to a scroll
what we weren't meant to be.

Will you remember
my flowing scarlet bath?
I poured out all my blood
Though you call me daft.
"He laid emeralds in our eyes. Oh, but I'd already tried a bracelet made of gold and scarlet thread around her wrist. And everything was wrong, so we sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong, but how elegant our kiss." -Norma Jean "Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste"
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housecat
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Points 2531
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Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:18 am
housecat says... · Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:18 am
My oh my, we have some amazing imagery here. You have talent.

The only thing that personally bothers me is the lack of emotion. Every poem should make you feel, whether it be pain or inspiration. I can't tell whether your angry or possibly sad.

I also don't exactly understand the topic, but I don't know if you even want readers to, so thats okay. All in all, great job! Keep writing (:
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popatemyheart1994
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Points 923
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Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:57 am
popatemyheart1994 says... · Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:57 am
nekros wrote:You might think me daft,<<<<<<DESPISE THE WORD DAFT IN POETRY
but I poured my blood out<<<<LOVE
like a breaking glass.<<<<LOVE

And so you scream and laugh
at the same time
as they prepare to call your debt.
Though you wouldn't look at that.[color=#FF0000<<<<]Didn't seem to make much sense. Remember you ae trying to convey a message to your readers. This made me feel alienated and stupid.[/color]

The world forgot me,
and broke apart my heart.
Then distributed it among fools
only to paint a picture that looks like ash.<<<<<To me the word "ash" seeme a bit off here. Remember to read your poem aloud before you publish it :)

Will you remember?
Will you remember? I like your use of repetition. Simple but effective way of reinforcing a point or idea.

Through cold lies and squinting eyes,This stanza is so powerful. I have to say I am more than a bit jealous at your use of language here :)
I lit a flame in a blackened sky.
It burned like gas,
And crushed every crooked wing.

Apparently,
Blind men don't want to see.
So they put clay in their eyes
in a fake miracle, Religious imagry. Powerful stuff. Be careful where you use it and that it fits the context of what you are writing in future. I t seems to go well here.
and wouldn't wash it free.

Just listen to the lie
that lions love to flee.I do not like this at all. I don't know why, just doesn't sound right at all. Change!!
That's why they plastered to a scroll
what we weren't meant to be.

Will you remember
my flowing scarlet bath?
I poured out all my blood
Though you call me daft.
WHAT HAPPENED!!! Such an amazingly powerful stanza and the word "daft" seems to just completely strip away the beauty of it :'(

Hi! :D I really liked this poem, although it still has a long way to go it has tons of potential. I'd be interested to see if you take my advice on bored because I really do love the themes and ideas you have put together to create this art. Good luck and keep on writing!!! Hope I helped!! :D xxxxxxxx Matt
Im the best :)
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MiRaCLeS
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Sun May 01, 2011 2:12 pm
MiRaCLeS says... · Sun May 01, 2011 2:12 pm
Hello nekros,

You have some powerful imagery in your poem. They painted a really vivid picture in my head. However, I don't really get the story behind this. There's some parts about the narrator being forgotten:

nekros wrote:The world forgot me,


And then there's some bits where the narrator get called daft:

nekros wrote:You might think me daft


Then there's those about the narrator pouring their blood out:

nekros wrote:I poured out all my blood


I don't really understand how they all connect together. Maybe you need to put an explanation of how they all tie together somewhere, perhaps write a little paragraph about itand put it below the poem. At the moment it seemed like this big, beautiful abstract painting that I can't seem to put together.

Other than that, this poem is really good, the flow, the way you use imagery and such. Keep it up! :)
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Rydia
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Sun May 01, 2011 5:38 pm
Rydia says... · Sun May 01, 2011 5:38 pm
Hi there! You've got some very strong imagery in this poem and lines or words that really intrigue me, but they're intermingled with poor language or word choice which is really clouding the beauty of this poem. I'll try to point out where I think your flaws are and give you a few ideas for polishing this up:

You might think me daft,<<< [I agree that daft is a bad word choice. It doesn't work in a poem with a serious nature. It's fine in a children's poem or for humorous use but here you want to be building up a dark, serious atmosphere. The emotions you want to show in this poem are closer to anger and despair, rather than laughter.]
but I poured my blood out
like a breaking glass. <<<[There's soomething I like about this image but it would be even better if you made it clearer. How do you pour out a breaking glass? I'm not quite sure what picture I should be getting in my head so as nice as the juxtaposition of poured and glass is, I think you need something more here.]

And so you scream and laugh
at the same time
as they prepare to call your debt.
Though you wouldn't look at that. <<<[This stanza doesn't have enough substance. It's too vague to give the reader any clear image of what's going on and there isn't any interesting or strong language. It's not far off plain prose.]

The world forgot me, <<<[I'd like to see this extended. It's a nice line.]
and broke apart my heart.
Then distributed it among fools
only to paint a picture that looks like ash. <<<[Interesting image.]

Apparently,
Blind men don't want to see.
So they put clay in their eyes
in a fake miracle,
and wouldn't wash it free. <<<[More like this would be good. The imagery is strong, the languge is simple but powerful and it's easily the strongest part of your poem.]

Just listen to the lie
that lions love to flee. [Very out of place. Doesn't quite work as there's not enough supporting imagery.]
That's why they plastered to a scroll
what we weren't meant to be.

Will you remember
my flowing scarlet bath?
I poured out all my blood
Though you call me daft. <<<[The ending could have been more powerful. Your use of language here reduces the imagery found earlier in the poem. I don't like the use of bath or scarlet or even flowing for that matter.]

Welll I hope that helps a little. I do have very mixed feelings about this poem but if you do a re-write I'd love to read it so feel free to get in touch. Take care!

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
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nekros
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Sun May 01, 2011 6:28 pm
nekros says... · Sun May 01, 2011 6:28 pm
The best way to understand this is that it was written as if from the view of Jesus. It wasn't meant to be angry or dark, but you are right in that I like my poems to be like beautiful abstract paintings. Apparently, I did something right.
"He laid emeralds in our eyes. Oh, but I'd already tried a bracelet made of gold and scarlet thread around her wrist. And everything was wrong, so we sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong, but how elegant our kiss." -Norma Jean "Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste"
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silentwords
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Sat May 07, 2011 4:52 pm
silentwords says... · Sat May 07, 2011 4:52 pm
I loved this poem. The imagery and emotion were both very strong I thought. The story behind it was a little fuzzy and confusing. It did allow the reader to make inferences and guesses as to what was happening, but to be honest, I had no idea that it was about Jesus. Perhaps you shuold try to make this clearer. On the other hand, poetry can be depicted in different ways, so you could always leave it and allow the reader decide what it is about. Depends on how you wanted this poem to be read.
Other than the story, the images in this poem were beautiful.
I really enjoyed these ones:

Through cold lies and squinting eyes,
I lit a flame in a blackened sky.
Beautiful :)

Apparently,
Blind men don't want to see.
So they put clay in their eyes
in a fake miracle,
and wouldn't wash it free.
Loved the imagery, but I'm not sure if the line in red really fits? It didn't seem to go with the rest of the stanza.

I also loved the repetition here:
Will you remember?
Will you remember?
These lines really stood out to me. Very powerful.

You are definetly very talented. Enjoyed reading this, keep up the amazing work :) !
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
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