No Evil

Spoiler

>>Obviously, I'm feeling particularly poetic this week... Hope you like this one! Please review! I wrote this poem during math class...

No Evil

No one heard my cry for help,
No one felt my pain,
No one saw the terror in my eyes,
As I hurtled down to Earth,

See no evil,
Hear no evil,
Speak no evil,
Do no evil;
That’s what you lied,

Will I haunt your dreams at night?
Will you hear my cries?
Will you hear my moans and groans
From that night I hurtled down to Earth?

See no evil,
Hear no evil,
Speak no evil
Do no evil;
That’s what you learned,

I lay against the cold hard earth,
My head felt strange,
I couldn’t move,
And I saw you both approach me.

The two of you,
You looked so tall,
Looming high above me.
You looked at me
And made a face
And turned around and vomited.

Am I so ugly,
So ugly I made you puke?
All I wanted was to be your friend,
So why did you hate me?
Why did you hate me so much?

See no evil,
Hear no evil,
Speak no evil,
Do no evil;
That’s what you forgot.

You wiped your mouths and looked at me
and smiled, cold and mean.
You reapplied your cherry lip gloss
And whirled around and left me there,
Lying on the ground.
Mindy, you always were so nice,
Cass, you were so funny.
I thought you were my BFFs,
So why did you hate me
-Hate me so much?

Was it because I bought that purse you liked?
Was it because the boy you liked liked me instead?
Mindy, Cass, I hate to ask,
But was it because you were jealous?

See no evil,
Hear no evil,
Speak no evil,
Do no evil;
That’s what we learned.

Did you forget that?
Did you forget that when you pushed me off that bridge?

No one heard my cry for help,
No one felt my pain,
No one saw the terror in my eyes,
As I hurtled down to Earth,

You set yourself up for a nice flow, and then throw it away by not rhyming the last line. It's fine, just an observation-- I couldn't think of another way to word that last part.

Also, I think you need a period on the end, there, to avoid making this and the chorus one big run-on.

You forgot speak no evil! :3 That was a change, for me, because I was expecting it.

Also, you should put a hyphen or something on the end of the chorus.

Will I haunt your dreams at night?
Will you hear my cries?
Will you hear my moans and groans
From that night I hurtled down to Earth?

You do the same thing, here. What are you doing, exactly? Because I expect it to rhyme, and then it doesn't.

"My head felt weird"? Snerk. It sounds strange in this style of poem.

Aaand again with the not rhyming. XD

You lose all flow in these last few paragraphs. It's strange.

Overall, this was pretty good. I'm not sure what to do with it, to be quite honest. :p

Ou, I liked this poem. It was definetly interesting. There were some parts when I was a little confused, but that's actually a good thing because it kept me guessing, and interested by trying to figure out what was happening. I'm still not entirely sure that I understood it properly, and so I wouldn't tell you what I thought it was about, incase I'm wrong : P

I thought that there were some parts where the flow was off. I agree with animekaratepup about what she said about the first stanza being a little interupted. I doesn't have to rhyme, but there was something off about it I thought.

There was a tense disagreement in this stanza:

I laid against the cold hard earth,
My head felt weird,
I couldn’t move,
And I saw you both approach me. (It should be "laid" instead of "lay")

The two of you,
You looked so tall,
Looming high above me.
You looked at me
And made a face
And turned around and vomited. This stanza is really good, but the last line doesn't really flow. I think you should put "and vomited" on the next line.

See no evil,
Hear no evil,
Do no evil;
That’s what we learned.
Did you forget that?
Did you forget that when you pushed me off that bridge? Loved the ending, but that last line is also too long.

Also, I just wanted to say that I loved, loved the repeatition in here with the:

See no evil,
Hear no evil,
Do no evil;

I felt it really added to the poem.

Overall, great poem with a unique concept!