Goodbye

Spoiler

I had this as a creative writing assignment, and liked it. I had to follow these rules:
· Quatrain stanzas
· 1st and 3rd lines are in iambic tetrameter (eight syllables alternating soft and hard)
· 1st and 3rd lines have an internal rhyme
· 2nd and 4th lines in iambic trimeter (six syllables alternating soft and hard)
· 2nd and 4th lines will rhyme

Tell me what you think, and please review to pieces! Also, what should I make the title be? 'The End' or 'Is It The End?' or 'Goodbye' or 'Farewell' or...

I have grown old, my bones are cold,
In sadness I do wait.
Time’s gone by; it isn’t a lie,
I long to see death’s gate.

The days are long; they say I’m wrong,
But I shall die tonight.
I wish in vain to end this pain,
I’m ready; I won’t fight.

“I love you so, please dear, don’t go,”
Begging; I don’t listen.
“When I am gone, please love, be strong.”
Words make tears to glisten.

“Bye, my love. I’ll watch from above.”
“Don’t you cry now,” I add.
Nothing is said, after I’m dead,
For they are much too sad.

I was right; now I, pale and white,
In a coffin am found
In the grave, I try to be brave;
It’s dark beneath the ground.

“It’s not too cold,” or so I’m told,
They were wrong; it’s icy!
Warmth soon glows, and breaks my dark woes,
Greeting me so nicely.

Brightness I see flying to me,
I’m once again a boy!
A song I sing, as I take wing,
And enter heaven’s joy.

Hello there. You did an okay job with this poem but I feel that the poem scheme was too predictable, that is always a bad thing. The reader likes to be surprised. I like that you kept to the four lines per stanza, I'm a sucker for a pattern. Death is a dramatic theme that everyone can relate to and I like how you expressed it. You just have to polish up this poem a bit. Make it more gripping, emotional, dig deep in you and you'll find just what is needed. I review around the clock and I am happy to be of service if you need any tips.
Keep working.
Upile.

Hello.
I'm pretty sure this piece is going up on my favourites. Why? Because it touched me, which is what you should be aiming for when people read your stuff.
Keep it up.

Kirah

I have grown old, my bones are cold,
In sadness I do wait.
Time’s gone by; it isn’t a lie,
I long to see death’s gate.

The days are long; they say I’m wrong,
But I shall die tonight.
I wish in vain to end this pain, you would be wishing in vain if you're actually going to end it.
I’m ready; I won’t fight.

“I love you so, please dear, don’t go,”
Begging; I don’t listen. great line
“When I am gone, please love, be strong.”
Words make tears to glisten. tears to glisten? This is an awkward sentence made for the purpose of the rhyme

“Bye, my love. I’ll watch from above.”
“Don’t you cry now,” I add.
Nothing is said, after I’m dead,
For they are much too sad. 'sad' is really plain and cannot convey your meaning dramatically

I was right; now I, pale and white,
In a coffin am found
In the grave, I try to be brave; you repeated 'in' twice too closely together
It’s dark beneath the ground.

“It’s not too cold,” or so I’m told,
They were wrong; it’s icy! good line
but a Warmth soon glows, and breaks my dark woes,
Greeting me so nicely.

Brightness I see flying to me,
I’m once again a boy!
A song I sing, as I take to wings,
And enter heaven’s joy.


I really liked this poem

helloo
I don't have any criticism for you and I don't really know what else to say than that I love this write!
Especially the happy end..It's beautiful

Favorite part:

Brightness I see flying to me,
I’m once again a boy!
A song I sing, as I take wing,
And enter heaven’s joy.

These last stanzas will not easily be forgotten XD
nice work!
-qaralynn-

Great work, I'm sure your teacher will love it! I definitly do! Very touching, which makes poems like this one very succesfull! I enjoyed it. Keep Writing!
Panda X